Have had a SHIT life since literally the day I was born. Been nearly half a century now and life has NOT gotten better, only WORSE.
-WHEN THE FUCK DO I GET A BREAK?
-WHEN WILL “THINGS GET BETTER?” as I’m constantly being told this by everyone for the past 22-32 years.
6 comments
post 50s is a mixed bag, as I understand it. Statistically it becomes more likely someone will die and leave you money….. so there’s that. You’re also about to hit a few parts of the social safety net that activate better as you age. I’ll stick to the ones I worked on, though of course recent changes are going to screw these up for the next few years.
When I worked for the agencies applying them around 58 you stopped having to have the work requirement for food benefits and medical benefits. So that meant if you could figure out housing which some of our clients were able to then you could have your material needs looked after.
It looked to me that maybe late in life could be a good time in life for some people. I met people who managed it.
Yet right now my parents are not experiencing it, and I know a lot of older people who are struggling hard.
So, maybe some of it is luck, I’m not sure how you get into the position. My wife and I are working really hard to try and set ourselves up better later in life, but you can’t be sure of anything.
There are 2 ways to survive a shit life. 1 – accept the shit & adapt. Or 2 – embrace the delusion that it’ll somehow “get better” even though all logic, rationality & physics points to your trajectory continuing deeper into the shit.
Or 3 – embrace suicide, or the hope that death will end the shit, which is just a darker version of the 2 delusion.
I’m not willing (or not able) to adapt to shit, and from what I gather you’re not ok with it either. So that leaves us with deluding ourselves that it gets better.
Some people have a natural delusion mechanism that kicks in, a natural survival mechanism that all animals have I suppose. “Food is out there sonewhere…” And who knows, in a lot of cases the delusion becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. But I’m guessing if you’ve been living with chronic suicidal thoughts for years like me, your survival mechanisms aren’t so hot.
I think that’s where people typically fall back on friends, community, external motivation. With me it’s a cocktail of brutal coffee and a wisp o drugs that keeps me pushing forward in search of that mythical food source in a fucking desert. Until the crash hits and I realize I’ve been digging holes in the sand.
What friends? What community? It’s not just the depressed that don’t have any- seems like so many ppl are friendless (or have few friends) these days compared to pre-social media days.
That’s the problem isn’t it? For us, we can’t delude ourselves- we’re too logical for that. We also can’t accept and embrace like idiot lemmings. And suicide, well…that’s why we’re here right? But suicide is like letting this shit world win…and we don’t want that either. I don’t. Half of the reason I’m still here is to SPITE all those assholes and shitholes that want me destroyed. I refuse to let them “win.”
Hell yea full spite is what keeps me alive most days. I guess it’s the only reliable thing we have left.
Have you seen the movie Monster starring Charlise Theron? It’s about a real life serial killer who was driven to kill after years of sexual abuse. Anyway there’s a line in the beginning of the movie where she’s under a bridge planning to shoot her brains out, but then she realizes there’s a $5 bill in her pocket. And she says something like “If I kill myself now, then that last $5 blowjob was all for nothing”
I think that’s one of the best suicide prevention mottos I’ve ever heard. Way better than “it gets better” or “help is available”. Plain & simple, if you kill yourself, then all your suffering, all the pain & humiliation you took, all those bjs you gave life were for nothing!
yes i’m familiar with her story- watched documentaries on her. she’s labeled as America’s “first” female serial killer. Shit, maybe it’s about time shitty men get offed. Real life serial killers are almost always a male who kills women and children. You notice how they RARELY ever target other men? They always go after the small and weak. Fuck that.. So yeah, I totally get it.