Anyone else suffer from this? I’m not talking about physical speech impediments or aphasia where you literally can’t form words. I guess the term for what I’m talking about is “selective mutism” but when I read up on that it doesn’t seem to apply either.
What I’m talking about is, you want to talk to people, you’re even good at it, but it’s just such an effort like getting out of bed to a depressed person. You just isolate and rot.
I’ve long since ghosted all my old friends, even though they’re good people. I figured that was because they reminded me of my past (a logical assumption). But I find myself ghosting even new friends, people who have done nothing wrong and represent, if anything, a new beginning. It’s all because communicating, texting, phones, email and god forbid in-person, is like a heavy weight I just don’t want to deal with.
4 comments
Very relatable post for certain points in my life.
I am like water, transforming from vapor to liquid to solid and back again.
“I’ve long since ghosted all my old friends”
>Is that bc you don’t want to them see how you are now, but rather as how you *were* back then? That’s one of the main reasons why I ghosted everyone from the past- I don’t want them to know how I’ve ended up. I was very smart and successful back then, and I was one of those ppl who “made things happen,” unlike most other ppl. So for me, I’d rather take ghosting everyone than have them see me unsuccessful and broken.
“What I’m talking about is, you want to talk to people, you’re even good at it, but it’s just such an effort like getting out of bed to a depressed person. You just isolate and rot.”
>But do you REALLY want to talk to ppl tho? It’s analogous to cleaning- we all WANT to have a clean home, but we don’t really want to do it. Talking to ppl, making friends- it’s the same thing. It’s a chore bc it isn’t easy, and also even when one does try, oftentimes it doesn’t pan out, so then it just becomes wasted effort.
>If you REALLY wanted to talk to ppl, you’d go and do it. But it’s a chore, and oftentimes, ppl turn out shitty. So why bother? That’s many SPers mindsets (and not necessarily wrong).
“So for me, I’d rather take ghosting everyone than have them see me unsuccessful and broken.”
That has a lot to do with it I’m sure.
Back when they knew me I was still in the upswing of life. Everything pointed to me being hugely successful. Although I haven’t changed physically and I can still put on a good show of being in control, what’s the point in being fake? Why bother impressing anyone? That’s for people who want to be remembered. At this point I just want to be forgotten.
As for wanting human contact, I suppose I want some idealized version that only exists in my mind. Like back when we were all young & wild & didn’t think about the reality of this shit existence. I think, to a degree, that’s how all friendships & relationships start out: pleasantly superficial. But as you get to know each other, here comes that shitty reality again. Traumas, demons, skeletons in the closet. That’s when I stop wanting to talk to people.