Is it hope that “things will be better?”
Is it friends/family/SO? (ie love and care)
Is it drugs/alcohol/etc to numb yourself from this world?
How do we not fall into the abyss?
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What kept me sane was an intrinsic trust. When world and belief system was collapsing around me, everything was looking like a lie, when I wasn’t sure of my third step let alone next day, when I didn’t know how to behave, an intrinsic trust was there. Trust that the world may be lie, I may be living a lie, but there is some truth there somewhere. And its search kept me sane. There is a core and core remains unchanged no matter what is going on in life. It is the anchor when everything else is falling apart.
Suffering is a great integrative force, it burns a lot of identities. One comes closer to that singular, unchanging core… closer to true self.
Hope is nice, it really does look like I’m getting out of Oklahoma.
My wife does love me, and I do have issues leaving her and several other people behind.
There’s the therapy, we can’t ignore the effect that has had.
The drugs definitely help, even if I got off all the ****** I’m always going to like some stuff that alters my mind.
I have some projects I’m attached to, having purpose and goals is meaningful for lots of people, myself included.
The bottom line is I’m bribable though;
Digitally speaking, there’s nothing I can’t have. I’m addicted to that power. It still gives me a rush when I go out and find a hundred and sixty dollar book for damn free as it should be because knowledge is the lifeblood of civilization. I have these weird noble impulses that enable this addiction in ways that keep me going. Then I download about seven other books just to prove a point. Three or four of those books I already owned in print so it’s not even theft. Others are available at the local library and would be a copy machine and a scanner away, or that’s how I rationalize it.
Yet digitally, everything is just there to be had now. Any research, any books, anything at all. For someone of my education……… of my ambition, it’s hard to find a better bait to dangle.
I saw God firsthand, and came to understand that killing myself was an impossibility. A lot of people would brush that away as nonesense. But I, too, took a third step, just like quaero.
Normally, I am someone who like to conform my beliefs to demonstrable evidence. So a third step was difficult to make for me.
The key is Surrender. To let go of your thinking, and just experience it. To just try. Just do. To let your intellectual defense mechanisms fall and fail against it.
There are many pathways to the sacred. My experience has shows me the great oneness in everything. Seperation is an illusion, and I no longer believe in death. (I’m not crazy or schizophrenic, and can detail this if requested…although its far better to figure it out on your own).
Also, making efforts to be of service to other people. When I help other people by volunteering, or holding doors open, by asking people how theyre doing, etc., I get outside of my own ego.
Focusing on others helps a lot. And people tend to like you better too
I think I’m staying “sane” by slowly figuring out my own weirdness, if that makes sense.
I’ve found a therapist that’s been helping me, and I feel like I’ve been taking real chances for myself.
Like, I’m moving away from expectations that I’ve burdened myself with for many years and I am (slowly) figuring out the type of person that I am and the person that I really want to be.
I’m doing all of this shit for myself, carving out my own path finally, for the first time since I graduated high school I feel. Financially in the shitter, which sucks, but feeling a lot more mentally clear, despite days where I sometimes feel mentally unstable.
I really am trying hard to maintain and keep good relationships with family, friends, and trying to actually do stuff more outside of the house. I find I just like driving out like 30+ mins to see what’s out there, and try to do something to relax the mind a bit.
I will absorb the good parts of myself and try to discard as much of the bad as possible. Make a new version of me that I can be okay with in my head.
We are all inherently social creatures, even the loners need to have someone they can talk to/interact with sometimes.
1. My dog
2. Drugs
3. Books & sometimes old movies
999. Thin thread of a feeling that I can beat this. Usually after taking drugs.