I can sometimes peer into my own head, and see myself laughing like an idiot, like insane Joker laughing.
The other version of myself is holding him back, keeping it together.
If I’m doing something different, it becomes background noise in my own head, but right now? Not so much.
Am I insane?
The last thing I want to do is act like the stuff I’ve been dealing with is abnormal. It’s not. Part of life is juggling a lot of these things.
I feel like I’m no good, that maybe I’m just not a good person.
I can’t live with anyone, I wind up causing problems.
Now my best friend of damn near 2 decades is pissed at me, because I’ve really been trying to fix myself. I’m trying to apologize, to get him to understand.
Work’s been insane lately, I’m trying to study for an exam to upskill and get a promotion, I’m trying to get myself physically and more mentally healthy, and yet, I feel like I’m breaking myself apart.
I don’t like any of that.
The one person I’ve found who does listen to me vent is dealing with her own shit, and it’s not like I can go see her, she’s thousands of miles away.
The state of the US right now, the cost of living. It’s all making me so angry.
Everything costs more, for less quality, less quantity, and I’m getting so damn sick and tired of so much of this crap.
I’m almost ready to just nomad the rest of my life and try to find a job somewhere else outside of the US, but idk how I’d survive. I only know how America works pretty much.
I am close to even just saying fuck it and get rid of any extraneous things. Idk if anyone would even buy a lot of my stuff in this economy, I’m no salesman.
I refuse to give up on myself, I will make it through all of this shit. I have to. If I don’t, then my life is nothing, and I go back home, defeated, and truly given up.
I think I’m just masking very hard outside of the house and around people without realizing it. I think I’m an idiot for getting myself into a position where I feel so fucked up about myself. I think I’m stupid for not being better to people I was living with, so that I could live with them again if shit went down. I feel like I’ve failed, because I wasted my parents money to go to college, just to drop out.
I can’t start a business, I have no capital to really get anywhere with it. I work 40 hours so to try a “side hustle” where I basically have to put in any remaining time to try to get something off the ground probably isn’t happening. I really really don’t want to kill myself with work, but I need some extra money.
I don’t know man. I have specific skills, but the market isn’t looking good for that, unless I can upskill and get more experience.
I don’t expect to need much in this life. I don’t own all that much overall anyway, but I’m trying to improve myself so I can ease up my parents that I’m burdening, my brothers, to support my nieces and nephews, to try to have SOMETHING that I can give back.
I don’t know what I can even do at this point.