I recently remembered a “thought experiment” I had in my freshman year of high school. I asked my biology teacher if he’d rather live one more day but get to do everything he wants to do. No rules. Or if he’d rather continue living doing what he’s doing now. Of course he picked the safest answer. I was always doing that sort of thing in high school. Giving stupid hypotheticals. This particular hypothetical just reminded of my situation. Back then the main reason I was depressed was because I saw no point to life. As I mentioned before.

I keep trying to unravel my feelings about my current predicament. I’ve felt dread before about going into something new. An internship and my graduate studies. But I don’t think I’ve ever felt mad about it like I am now. As I said before, up until now I’ve done everything I wanted to do. I never had to do something I didn’t want to. Like on a fundamental level. I technically didn’t want to go to A&M. I applied to MIT and predictably got shot down. I knew I was. And I guess I was mad about going to A&M. But I was still going into an engineering program. I was still doing what I wanted to do. This though is just a giant inconvenient step backward.

My mom (How predictable. Mother issues.) pretty much spent her entire life doing stuff she didn’t want to do. She hates being a CPA. She hates being a professor at a community college. She hated living in our area instead of Houston near her family. She hated driving back and forth from here and Houston to take care of her aging parents. She hated taking care of her aging parents but was bound by familial responsibility. For close to sixty some years now, she’s put up with stuff she hates. The one thing she likes doing is working out. And admittedly spending time with her family. Sometimes. And I guess that’s why I don’t want to do things I hate. Because I’m just going to get stuck in a life doing shit I don’t care about finding pointless crap to fill my time in between all of it to make me feel better. It feels like because I accepted a technician role, I’ve given up and compromised on that. And I had no control over it.

Which I guess leads me to my next point. I’m still clinging on to my goals. I keep saying that I know I’m not good enough to reach them. But I still keep trying regardless. I took a risk by trying a capstone with Dr. Lee. I stuck with graduate school even though I was scared out of my mind at the beginning. I did an internship with Amazon even though I blamed them for my manic episode. I grinded away at a thesis that I knew was going to be crap. I did alot of it half assedly. I could’ve been better. I was lazy about a lot of things. I could have studied harder and make up for the stuff I didn’t know. And that’s why I know I’m not good enough. But accepting this technician job is me finally admitting it. And that’s why I’m so mad. I had control of the situation but I still failed. And the thing is I know I’m probably going to fail at this technician job too.

I guess in a way this is just me rationalizing my childish tantrum and belief that a life doing things you don’t want to do isn’t worth living. That I believe it’s beneath me to do technician work. That because I have a masters degree (which was given to me, not earned) I deserve a high paying engineering job that I’ll just fuck up anyways. I don’t know. All that’s left to say is that the next 6 months is going to suck dick.