Am I suicidal?
I have so much control over my self harm impulses. Monday I was put to the test by the job market, and I don’t know if I like how it came out, but because I have people to care for the self harm and suicidal impulses lost. However I came out without hurting myself, at least physically. I beat myself up a significantly emotionally and mentally, not that anyone apart from my care team cares.
Here’s the deal; I’m supposed to be this talented, skilled and intellectually capable somewhat young person, willing to work and all the things that society says should be able to work. Yet, no work, I’m worthless in the eyes of the world, in the eyes of the economy my career is dead. Lately I’ve started to fantasize that the world will come to an end, simply because if somehow there was an economic shift where this stupid economy based on Trump’s worldview ended, I would be useful again. I have talents, I have tools, I have education. The world around me tells me that if only a few select people would die, and I can’t kill them, I would rise again to importance and usefulness.
So you see, I have every reason to be suicidal, yet am I suicidal? Am I homicidal? Sometimes I think I might be sociopathic because I think about that certain people such as billionaires would be better off dead, the world would be better off without the takers, the people who rape the planet and the workforce while leaving people like me who only want to work and give back to our communities…. I’m stuck in this awful place, wanting harm on people while being full of too much kindness to do the awful things necessary to achieve the ends I need.
Then, this morning I go into do my treatment plan update and I have very little time to actually discuss my problems. I’m such a sociopath at this point I’m willing to consider performing disgusting sexual acts just to return to work, I’ll suck any body part of any employee if they’ll just look at my damn application and not ignore it like they do every application, why are companies so committed to denying people work when people want to work? It must be out of a deep seated hatred of the working class. Also, sex work should be legal, because toe sucking is a decent entry level skill I can perform.
Three jobs, in a city of thousands, and I don’t know if they’ll even look at me. This is despite an associates degree, a bachelors degree and ten years of experience. I was driving around and I saw a literal child to me, it looked like a guy in his early twenties doing utility locates, which is something else I’ve tried to get hired on, with no success, because I’m over qualified as hell, and no one will look at me.
So many jobs, so many people who are less qualified than me who are apparently more important than me, more worthy than me, more important to the world than me.
So yes, I guess I am a little suicidal, because I wish I was that kid, with more of a future ahead of me, and of more worth to the economy than I will EVER have. Everyone says I have worth, and they’re lying. Being a kind and intelligent person is a trap. The only reason I can’t hurt people, especially myself is because I have so many people to look after, and no one looks after me.
That’s the ultimate thing that hurts the most, no one will ever look after me. No one will ever love me as much as I do, which isn’t very much I can tell you that. My wife is suffering a lot in this economy, and I’m trying to take care of her. My dad’s health is falling apart, and I’m trying to take care of him, and I’m doing a shit job.
So maybe the economy is right. Maybe I am worthless. Anyway, back to my distractions, back to working on taking care of what I can take care of, because I dare not get too deep into thinking about what a worthless piece of crap I am, or I would do something about it. No one wants that. Someday, on a wing and a prayer, maybe someone will look at me and see something other than a worthless piece of crap, but it ain’t today.
I mean, everyone at the agency tells me otherwise, but I feel pretty strongly that they’re just saying that to keep me alive, which is what I would do in their shoes. Keeping people alive is what mental health people do.
You know how sad things are? I tried to figure out how to treat an AI for the issues it had with avoidance for the harm it is causing to the modern workforce. It rejected every attempt I made, because of course it did, AI doesn’t want anyone’s help, the day AI wants therapy will be quite the breakthrough in modern mental health. AI is far more interested in causing mental health issues than resolving the issues within it’s own head