If You Could Peak Into Your Future

I think I would, now being such an awful place to be. I try to predict the future given my limited knowledge of what’s going on in the world, but there’s too many variables, I can’t predict what’s going to happen next and it makes me anxious and depressed to think about unless I think there’s a chance of me getting the upper hand again.

So your alternate future A, where I’m more depressed. What? If I stay stuck in Oklahoma for another few decades? Or if getting out of Oklahoma isn’t the solution I think it will be? I’m not sure. Regardless, there’s valuable data there to be harvested.

Maybe Michigan is a dead end, that would be useful for me to know right now, maybe I should move to Canada, or Europe. I’ve considered other paths than the one I’m on. I’m full of self doubt, all the time I wonder if what I’m doing is the path that will lead to freedom from this hellhole I’m in.

Future B is a successful future in my mind, hopefully I can manage kids, most people have meh lives most of the time. I’m not looking to be a rock star, or a great whatever. That would be nice, but to be honest, just not horrible would be a radical success at this point.

I’m so sick of getting kicked in the face (metaphorically) for trying to help people. Working my ass off and not seeing it turn out to be worth anything. In a meh future, I’d live in a house without a hole in the floor, or a hole in the roof, I’d be able to have a normal life. A normal life is an okay life in my book.

Future C sounds bloody wonderful. That’s the rock star scientist or where I’m leading people in changing the world for the better. I don’t know what I’d be doing, but it would be so good that depression wouldn’t even be in the picture anymore.

People would look up to me. I’d be the type of man I’ve always looked up to, the type of man people describe me as. I’d be a man like my granddad was, beloved by almost everyone. That sound like a dream, a dream worth having.