I think I’m destined for abuse and to be hurt by others. My parents made sure how much they hated me and wanted me to fail. When they kicked me out, I thought my friend – turned boyfriend – would lead me to a softer life. I guess it was the naive of youth that would think a 21 year old man I met on the internet would genuinely love me. After the teenage pregnancies and subsequent abortions and supporting him financially for years, I decided to return to education. I discovered how twisted he is compared to the people on campus. Maybe I always knew.
And when I finally decided that I have had enough and reached out (not something I do), and I moved into a new household for a temporary time – I am attacked again my their dog. I would joke how the pain in refreshing. I could joke about how I’ve never been attacked by a dog before. But I cannot focus on my studies. I cannot finish this semester. I was raped in the morning and showed up for class in the afternoon multiple times during this year. I could compartmentalize all the trauma and psychological torture, but this recent attack hasn’t been that. And it’s not even the dog attack itself. It’s this fatalistic acceptance. I was just about to feel okay. I’m exhausted at being resilient. I don’t want to be an inspiring story of overcoming challenge after challenge or trauma after trauma. I just want to be okay.
2 comments
I don’t think anyone is destined for suffering. It happens to some people more than others. But I don’t think it’s a law you have to suffer. I’m sorry your life has been so rough. You’ve gone through things that nobody should have to. I hope things get better.
I concur with JDoe…don’t fall into that trap of thinking it’s your fate…I’ve had my ups and downs in life, things just happen because of the situations that you’re in.
The goal is to get out of those situations causing you suffering. I hope you got treated for the dog attack and you should report both that and the rap to the cops.
There are millions of weirdos out there, so you have to be careful who you meet online…meeting someone in school/college is better, because those people are usually screened before they can join.
I’m living in a crappy place, dealing with noise issues-so I’m looking to move hopefully in the coming spring if not sooner. There’s nothing like peace of mind….if you can live in a place where people cannot disturb your mental peace, then you’re set and can focus on your life.
I would’ve probably achieved my personal goals (like getting my own house by now), if not for these issues that get in my way.
So don’t assume it’s your lot in life…you can change your situation, you have to work hard at it…and be really picky about who you let in your life and don’t let people get away with hurting you, they’ll do it to others too.