The 7th year anniversary of the day I committed my crimes recently passed, so I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately. I did kind of a stupid thing and read the news stories that they wrote about it. Its funny how people remember the same event differently.
Here’s what happened: One night, I was suicidal and homicidal at the same time. Was drinking and abusing Adderall simultaneously. Didn’t sleep at all that night. And somewhere along the line, I decided to kill myself. But I was angry at some classmates for calling me a ****** all the time and antagonizing me to no end (me and another guy were dating, gay couple). They had given me and my bf so much shit. And he ended up breaking things off. Months passed before the night I was drinking. But that night, I decided to kill them first and then force the police to kill me after.
Got to school, had the weapon. A friend of mine in the class, a girl, was begging me not to do anything. I had told her to get out of the classroom, but she didnt. And we talked back and forth for a while. Ultimately, I decided not to kill any of them after all, and I went home. Hung myself in my closet. Police busted my door down, united me, brought me to the hospital, psych word after, jail for 8 months after that, prison after that. Convicted for making terroristic threats and carrying a weapon with unlawful intent. Felonies, of course. The city awarded that girl for stopping me.
I got out of prison, and now, Im not sure what the purpose of my life is. Im working on a college degree, but its a huge risk. Not sure Ill be able to get a job with that degree just bc of my record, but the alternative is a lifetime of Entry level jobs, so the risk is worth it. Rather die having tried. But social skills, finances…hell, I dont even have friends. Havent hung out with one person as a friend in the years since my release. I feel like an alien walking around on an unfamiliar planet. Its hard to see the point in a life where my ability to create financial stability is hindered, where I have nothing in common with people my own age, where nobody wants to be friends bc of what I did. At least I managed to get sober though. 8 months so far.
Anyway, Ive been thinking about killing myself again. Im not sure that Im able to create a happy life for myself, and prolonging the suffering of wanting and not being able to obtain is a lot.
I just want to be normal, like everyone else.
15 comments
What degree are you working on?
How long were you in jail/prison for?
How long have you been “out”?
Im working on a language degree. I was sentenced to 20 years maximum, but got out really early bc I qualified for some programs that I completed. Ive been “out” for most of my life, unless you mean prison. I got out in April of 2020.
Wait- you had a max of 20 years but got out in 2? What program did you complete?
Yup this is what I hate about the American system and its preoccupation with punishment, or “judicial revenge” as I’ve heard it more accurately described. The system immediately writes you off as hopeless and does everything in its power to destroy you, even long after you’ve paid your dues.
As a result it pushes people back to the fringe where they’ll either go right back to crime, die a death of despair (alcohol, drugs) or outright kill themselves. It’s almost as if this is the intent.
You didn’t even do anything for chrissake. If anything you showed the ultimate restraint by stopping yourself and you should be commended for this, not punished for the rest of your life?
I’m also in their crosshairs for causing trouble, although I didn’t commit any crime, I’ve got the guvment’s red dot on my forehead, and I tell you it’s that and nothing else that’s turning me into a monster. Because every time I try to play nice they remind me that I’ll never be welcome, never be normal.
I think it’s amazing that you’re sober 8 months. A year is just around the corner. With me it got much easier after that 1 year mark, so I hope you’re seeing the light at the end of that tunnel. That plus bettering yourself through a college degree, dude what a turnaround. Maybe you can move to another country where they’ll appreciate how much you’ve done and where they can see how much untapped potential you still have within you.
Lets hope so. Thanks for the comment, I feel you on a lot of it. A lot of it.
Why and How does the government have their “red dot on your forehead?”
Years ago I stumbled on a library book called “Hide Your Assets and Disappear”. This led me on an obsession with not just erasing myself financially but becoming aware of (and sabotaging) the government’s efforts to keep track of me. Mostly basic stuff like driver’s license, voter registration, etc.
But the irony is that just by getting yourself off the books, it triggers extra scrutiny because they assume anyone trying to get off the books is a fucking criminal. Yay I’m now on their special watch list.
It’s so messed up because when you’re labeled something, you start to become it. Like if everyone at school calls you ugly, or the opposite if they call you gorgeous, you start acting the part. So I guess I’m a criminal now.
You literally can’t win in this country -_-
This is the way in the US bc we have a prison industrial complex. When private corporations stand to gain by having more prisoners, then more people will be put in prison, kept in prison, An incentivized to keep putting them in prison.
Other countries don’t do this shit because they don’t have private prisons.
Take a look at the Scandinavian model. They have extremely low recidivism. The prisons don’t even have locks on them so the prisoners can even like just walk out if they wanted to. And nobody wants to leave because the prisons are actually nice and they teach people skills for after they are let out. Their prisons actually look like college dorms.
And the Japanese prisons I so clean and immaculate and the prison food is way better than the food we feed our children in schools. I just saw a clip on that a few days ago. It Showed prison food and it was actually healthy and good quality. I made in the US we can’t even feel good healthy quality food to our own children, let alone prisoners.
Everything is disgusting here in the United States because we have privatized everything that should not be privatized. Healthcare, prisons, schools, etc. this is why everything we have is shit.
This is what happens when you let capitalism be in control. And all the right wingers are brainwashed to scream “oh but communism!” Or “oh but socialism!”
When in reality the most democratic societies are Scandinavian countries where they are democratic socialist countries.
You cannot have capitalism Runamuck. Just as you cannot have government being complete control. The best government is what the United States had in 50s, 60s and 70s. But since the 80s we allowed corporations to be in control and here we are.
Trillions in debt and the rich keep pillaging the coffers. While the masses suffer and suffer.
*Used speech to text so if there are grammatical errors and weird words, it’s because of that
Damn I never really thought of it that way but you’re right, any time private corporations get involved in “solving” a problem you can bet it’ll turn into a forever cash cow that nobody wants to fix because it’s too profitable.
Same story as medical care, the drug industry, and fucking war for that matter. All those private companies that do nothing but build bombs, they don’t want world peace. And the billionaires running privatized prisons and prison services, they sure don’t want to see anyone get reformed.
For real, capitalism is so messed up. It’s nothing but a smokescreen for billionaires to become trillionaires while we’re basically reduced to cattle. Scandanavian countries figured it out, and they consistently get ranked as the best places on the planet to live.
This is what happens when one is an intelligent person and a thinker. And all too aware of all the bullshit and chicanery that is going on. The masses get more and more fucked every day while the rich get ever richer and richer by looting our coffers and putting their boots on our necks. When one is aware, there is nothing but unhappiness and depression.
Yeah, thats so true. When I was in, I kept getting told that the prison system is the biggest provider of mental health services in the country. But…its BS. It couldve helped to see a therapist, and when I got to see one, it lasted literally 2 minutes. He told me to exercize more, and then told me to get out. Thats all I got for the entire stay.
And then you get out, and the world is different. I remember being blown away by things like Alexa. And even though Ive worked my ass off and still am, trying to make something better of myself, society isn’t so forgiving. Sometimes, I wonder why they bothered to let me out. Im not behind the wall, but with all the barriers to a life, Im still doing time. Watching it pass
Well that’s another area that’s BS. The “ mental health care system.” It does nothing but keep ppl depressed and unwell.
There is no money to be made if people were healthy and happy. They would have no customers- which is what we are- if we were happy and healthy. Or the system purposely keeps us unhappy and unhealthy, both mentally and physically.
The mental healthcare system is one of the biggest lies in America.
Are used to rail against the fact that it is so hard to access mental health care in United States- ie therapy and therapists etc. But haven’t seen a few therapists and gone to “therapy” and been in-patient, All the systems in place are the ones that are making us even more unhappy and insane/unbalanced.
The people who work in a mental health care system off and even more fucked up than we are. And the amount of gaslighting that these fuckers do is insane.
*ugh, Use speech to text and there’s so many grammatical error. Wish there was an edit button on comments, At least for 1-2 minutes after posting
Pffft, American Society is unforgiving not just to prisoners and ex-cons but to so many other groups.
Americans are very hateful and punishing to: the disabled, the chronically ill, the non-working ppl. Let alone the obvious hate against all minorities- not just illegals but ALL minorities- Including legal non-white US Citizens.
If you are not white, you are discriminated against in the US. I am a legal US citizen. It does not matter if you are legal or not – the Republicans just use “illegals “as a talking point as a cover for their hatred against ALL non-whites, legal or illegal. I know the Democrats are not any better because they have their “preferred minorities.” If you are not their “preferred minority” and you get massively screwed as well.
Well that’s another topic in of itself but yeah- so many groups are just written off or get hated on , not just ex-cons. But yes, In other countries it is about reforming. But in the US it is all about punishing. And so many Americans are so hateful that they also believe in just locking everyone up. Or deporting everyone.
Heck, I think Americans are super hateful in general- since it is not directed towards a single group but to many many groups- but in different ways. Anyways that’s a whole ‘nother rant