The 7th year anniversary of the day I committed my crimes recently passed, so I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately. I did kind of a stupid thing and read the news stories that they wrote about it. Its funny how people remember the same event differently.

Here’s what happened: One night, I was suicidal and homicidal at the same time. Was drinking and abusing  Adderall simultaneously. Didn’t sleep at all that night. And somewhere along the line, I decided to kill myself. But I was angry at some classmates for calling me a ****** all the time and antagonizing me to no end (me and another guy were dating, gay couple). They had given me and my bf so much shit. And he ended up breaking things off. Months passed before the night I was drinking. But that night, I decided to kill them first and then force the police to kill me after.

Got to school, had the weapon. A friend of mine in the class, a girl, was begging me not to do anything. I had told her to get out of the classroom, but she didnt. And we talked back and forth for a while. Ultimately, I decided not to kill any of them after all, and I went home. Hung myself in my closet. Police busted my door down, united me, brought me to the hospital, psych word after, jail for 8 months after that, prison after that. Convicted for making terroristic threats and carrying a weapon with unlawful intent. Felonies, of course. The city awarded that girl for stopping me.

I got out of prison, and now, Im not sure what the purpose of my life is. Im working on a college degree, but its a huge risk. Not sure Ill be able to get a job with that degree just bc of my record, but the alternative is a lifetime of Entry level jobs, so the risk is worth it. Rather die having tried. But social skills, finances…hell, I dont even have friends. Havent hung out with one person as a friend in the years since my release. I feel like an alien walking around on an unfamiliar planet. Its hard to see the point in a life where my ability to create financial stability is hindered, where I have nothing in common with people my own age, where nobody wants to be friends bc of what I did. At least I managed to get sober though. 8 months so far.

Anyway, Ive been thinking about killing myself again. Im not sure that Im able to create a happy life for myself, and prolonging the suffering of wanting and not being able to obtain is a lot.

I just want to be normal, like everyone else.