What does one do at that point? I see no joy in living. The bacterial infection from 2.5 years ago has destroyed my legs (as well as other body parts) and I was already disabled to begin with. But at least I was more mobile before. I was sick and disabled but not THIS sick and this disabled. I can still walk but my legs are not in great condition. I can’t walk very well. Hell, I have trouble even bending my legs.
There is no time machine for me to go back and never have come here to thus state, to this shitty house.
I was already broken from a car accident 17 years ago.
And I was mentally broken before that (years of childhood abuse).
I’ve never once had a good life. I’ve never ever had a real chance at life. No matter how hard I tried (worked at a Sweat shop at the age of 7, Joined the military at 19 because I had no money to pay for college and that was the only way).
I’m no stranger to hard work. All I’ve ever known was hard work and hard times. Used sheer grit to get through life. But no matter what I did, No matter how hard I worked, no matter how nice and kind I was, I always get screwed by the universe and by shitty humans.
I’m tired. I’m tired of it all.
I don’t have the strength to go on. I do not see joy and happiness In the future. All I see is my hardship and my struggles. And more physical issues.
I have no more hope.
I also have no family to help me.
I have no friends to help me. My friends to even listen to me when I am depressed and down.
I have very little money and I’m too sick to work to make more money.
I’m too poor to have any kind of decent or happy life.
I have no boyfriend or significant other. Because no one wants to be with a disabled person.
Even if I wanted to suicide, it’s nearly impossible to do it properly. That is if you want it done quick and painless and 100% effective. There is nothing that is 100% effective and there is always a risk of something going wrong.
Anyhow, I am tired. All I ever wanted was to be happy and have a decent normal life. I can’t have that after the infection. It’s destroyed my body.
And also something else has happened recently that has affected my brain so I’m having issues with that now too.
How can I live or be happy without my brain and my body working properly?
I have zero connection with anyone. No one understands me or cares about me.
What is the point of living when you’re all alone and no one cares?
All I’ve ever wanted was to have a happy meaningful and productive life with friends and his significant other that care about me. That’s it. I don’t need to be famous or rich or anything. I just need to have enough money to have a comfortable life free phone worry about money and things money related. And yes Health- that also fall into that category Because it’s difficult to be healthy- Nay- impossible to be healthy When when is poor and can’t afford things. Especially when you live in a shit neighborhood and have shit housing
Anyway, this was a much longer rent than I want it. I originally just wanted to buy the title and one sentence but here we are.
My life fucking sucks. I don’t know how to be happy or how to get out of this shit hole.
Well at least thanks for reading.
Please comment so I know you’ve read it.
20 comments
You really got screwed by life 🙁 I’m not doing as badly, but for what it’s worth, it’s hard for me to find a stable job as well due to medical issues from my attempt.
It can also be difficult to explain because many people still assume that everyone and everything in the US must be better than other places, along with other stereotypes. Like why would any parents give up better conditions to come here if it’s worse?
Anyways, does the VA help out with anything? I didn’t hear too many good things about it in the past, but maybe it has improved?
No. My current injuries are not service related. And no, you do not want to go to the VA.
American “healthcare” is a fucking joke.
Bc America is a lie. It’s shit here. Low wage jobs. No social safety net. High crime. Cost of living way too high for the avg person to afford. America is the 3rd world country. We live in a police state. Our “rights” disappear as soon as we speak out against our government or our speech inconveniences a mega corporation. We are ranked one of the lowest in education. I could go on but you all know life isn’t good in the US. Life is only good here if you’re rich.
I’ve been to both good areas and bad areas, and they can look like different countries. In a way the division is more observable and difficult to square in the US. Other countries usually have a small minority living either good lives or falling through the cracks, so everyone else can more or less agree on how good or bad things generally are. By all metrics, the avg American is getting poorer and poorer.
If 50% of Americans can’t afford a $500 emergency, then no, the majority of the population are NOT doing well. Ofc there are good areas and bad areas. That doesn’t mean there isn’t an economic crises here in the US, of which there is. The majority of the population are getting poorer and poorer, and unable to afford housing. Things are NOT good in the US. Doesn’t matter if you’ve “seen” good areas and bad areas.
For some reason, your first sentence was merged under my comment. I don’t know how to fix it since not all functions are available if I’m not the original poster.
Primary and secondary public education does seem to lag behind peer countries. I’m going to compare apples to apples. My original school was in a metro area and more or less unremarkable in terms of rankings. Sometimes we had to scrape by as in the teachers may have to buy their own chalk to write with, and the students wrapped bits and ends of crayons too short to hold to make “new” ones out of the scraps. But the quality of the teachers was excellent, because the colleges and universities that trained teachers usually accepted only the best students. Everyone was held to high but reasonable expectations in class. If your grade dropped from an A to a ‘B’, you would be reprimanded. A ‘D’ student would be expected to improve to a ‘C’; they would be chewed out as well if they dropped a grade. The teachers generally wanted the students to succeed, come up with their own solutions to problems, read ahead of the pace they were teaching if possible, and do well in external, interschool competitions. They would tell students to help prevent cheating, but only the cheaters would get an F on the homework assignment or exam. There was zero tolerance against bullying, which was rare in my experience.
My American school was also in a metro area and supposedly above average compared to other schools, but I don’t think the school itself was that great. The average was probably pulled up by students from wealthier families who (didn’t want to pay for private schools) would have done well regardless of the school system. Anyways, the educational quality was very uneven. There were only two teachers that I know of that performed at the level of my old school, which would have been considered “average” because that’s what everyone there would have expected from teachers. Many of my American teachers hated students who did well in class. They lowered standards to make a level playing field, punished students who read ahead in the textbook, misgraded papers and exams, told students not to apply to competitive colleges. If you reported plagiarism because someone else took your homework by force without permission, both you and the cheater would be punished, because the good student was “allowing cheating to take place.” Bullying was common. Bookbags and homework assignments often ended up in the garbage bins. One time I saw three kids kicking a fourth one who was curled up on the cement pavement in tears, and their assistant coach was cheering on the bullies! All of this took place on school premise. I was very shocked. In the most advanced country in the world, why were these kinds of adults placed in schools serving as harmful role models?
We are not the “most advanced country in the world.” You’ve been brainwashed by MSM and by American exceptionalism. Have you seen Japan? They are arguably the most advanced country in the world.
Even third world countries like China have high speed rail while our trains are so old and slow and loud and crappy. Have you seen cities in S. Korea and Singapore? Or Scandinavian countries ? They are clean and modern and their government takes care of their people, unlike here in the US where all of our money goes into war instead of anything to help the American people. Our cities are falling apart. Our infrastructure is falling apart. We have rampant corruption where our government colludes with giant corporations and the wealthy to funnel all the money from the middle class up to the wealthy. Look at our real economic data and you’ll see how things are NOT good for the avg American. And we are definitely NOT the most advanced country in the world. I’m sorry but things are NOT good in the US. The rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer. People can’t even afford healthcare here let alone the exorbitant rents.
Health is a funny thing, we all know “in theory” what it’s like to see others become disabled, get cancer, heart attack, etc…but you can’t imagine it’d happen to you…esp. when you’re in your 20s-40s.
But then so much crap happens in your life and we neglect our health and the internal problems pile up until you get hit with something terrible.
I had a health problem a few months ago, had a short hospital stay…but I was in disbelief esp at the start (until the evidence convinced me)…luckily it wasn’t severe but I could’ve died, if I didn’t get it fixed asap.
This was not the way I wanted to go anyways…I still want to be around for a few family members I care about. And I’m sticking to that plan, unless my health fails or my life irreparably falls apart, though I can fall back on family.
Sorry for what you’ve been through. You’re obviously smart and well read.
Ya infections can be terrible if not treated properly. I’ve had a few in my time, but antibiotics always worked for me. God only knows how much people suffered before they existed.
You’ve articulated very well what I think most of us really want, just a normal life…get a decent job, afford a nice home, find a great pa.rtner to live with, etc.
But if health and the other pieces of life aren’t in place then that goal becomes harder to attain.
I saw your vid about friends, it’s pretty informative. One thinks only they have problems with friendships, but clearly it’s pretty bad out there for many people.
People just take, they don’t want to give. They don’t understand relationships take time to build and you have to be tolerant of others and vice versa.
So many people are anti-social/maladaptive without knowing it.
Anyways, whatever you decide to do with your life, I wish you all the best.
I’ve pretty much got my own plan laid out too. I’m hoping 2026 is finally my turnaround year, but anything can happen.
I try to make things better every day. Of course, it often doesn’t turn out that way. It would be even harder for me to think about whether this or that year will be a “turnaround”. My condition isn’t as bad as what ED has described, but eventually my health may slip further downhill, so I’m planning ahead of that and doing what’s most important for me while I still can.
Good to know you’re on top of your situation also.
Too bad Canada doesn’t offer Maid to Americans, it’s a badly needed service.
Ofc Maid is my final resort if everything goes to shiit in my life…at the same time, I do want to live and do some things I felt I missed out on.
My mom worked like a dog to help raise me and my siblings, she never had a real vacation or much of a life.
So I’d like to take her on a nice cruise or to an island resort…just to bring a little fun/happiness in her life before she passes away and while she’s still able-bodied to travel.
I won’t be able to do much until I first move out this spring. But at least I’m focused on my goals and motivated to make them happen.
Getting rich would be nice, but I’ll settle for a cozy, relaxed, middle class life if I manage to get a house by my 60s or sooner.
Then I’ll shelve the idea of maid for a while, until my health fails…hopefully that’s in the cards for me.
Well, I feel a bit worse trying to talk you into bucking up and pushing on, when it sounds like there really isn’t any bucking up and pushing on. You lose your legs, you lose your mind….. and you don’t have any resources to regain either. Well fuck, I’d be looking for the exit too.
and I’m in the same state you’re in so you don’t have to tell me about what a shithole it is. Absent drugs to make the place seem nicer, and you don’t have the finances for that, or the body to take it, chances are. Better living through chemistry only works so far.
I mean my stomach is going, I need to get out of here before it goes the rest of the way. Stomach and intestine aren’t working like they used to, and I don’t want to have to rely on pills to make them work. Damn food doesn’t taste right. It’s why I was on THC to begin with. THC makes everything taste good. That’s why Oklahoma made it legal, make no mistake. Because we don’t have enough good food.
That and it cuts through guilt and anger like a weedwacker.
As I said, better living through chemistry. Nicotine and THC are the only things Oklahoma has to offer to most people. Well, and caffeine, but everyone loves caffeine in this country….. it’s no better than anything else for people.
They cover it up, but people die from caffeine overdose every now and then too. Not coffee, but energy drinks, every now and then they come up with one that is too strong. The FDA is a fucking joke.
Well, I mean cautious people don’t tend to die from such things because if you don’t try new products you don’t die from ODing on such things. It’s usually teenagers.
The type of people that just blip out accidentally, teenagers and people in their 20s, and there really isn’t any sense to it. I guess children do too, unsupervised they come across chemicals they shouldn’t or do something they ought not to do.
You get to our age, 30s and 40s and you’re shackled to this planet. I’m not ready to check out, mind, I’m just saying that’s the way it is, the planet has a grip on us, life doesn’t want to let go.
There’s always disease though. Heart gets more likely to go, more years go on, and if a decent disease sweeps through the country it might strain the heart enough to end you, or me for that matter. I’m not attached enough I wouldn’t mind going like that. Our current head of health and human services is a first class idiot. Lungs too, get more likely to go the older you get.
Get a DNR, a Do Not Resuscitate signed if you’re really serious about checking out when whatever tries to take you takes a swing at you. Heart attack can happen at any age, top killer in the United States. Stroke is pretty common too, but not as common as heart attack.
I mean there’s got to be a way, a diet to encourage such a thing. I know my nicotine consumption encourages such things. It’s not a bad way to go, is my point.
High risk behavior, there’s stuff you can do to take your body closer to the death you want, and that’s what I’d be doing in your situation. Because that high risk behavior is probably pretty fun anyway.
The thing is, most people, people like me have people to stop us from engaging in high risk behavior. If I was to start drinking for example, drinking REALLY pushes your heart to the limit, my wife would stop me.
You though, you don’t have a boyfriend, you don’t have anyone to stop you from doing stuff to harm your heart. You exist in a world without consequence for whatever you want to do to yourself.
Now you talk about it like it’s this horrible curse, and I’m not saying it entirely isn’t. However, you can run for the fences in terms of death. You can make a true friend of death, and try whatever you well please to use up your body. Consider that blessing.
Where as me, I’ve got to try and make this life thing work out. I’ve got to take care of people. If I was to behave as recklessly as I am currently suggesting you to, well, I’d hurt a lot of people.
You are in a truly privileged position if you could behave as I suggest and harm no one. Run for the fences, get free of this shit world and only leave a few confused people in your wake.
Well if you managed it I’d be impressed.
My personal take on this right now is that unless you’re really technical or experienced, trying to end things yourself or accelerate by not taking care of your body or health is still too risky; you may survive and only end up suffering more severely.
exactly.
Agreed, you want to take care of your health/body as best as you can until you are ready to end it.
The worst thing that can happen to any of us is to lose mobility and then we’re stuck in a hospital bed, kept alive by machines or dependent on people doing things for us.
We’ll be trapped in this living nightmare until our body fails and if we’re kept alive that could mean living for many years of endless suffering.
So long one is able-bodied, there is a chance of taking matters into your own hands and making sure the job gets done right.
I’m lucky we have Maid, though one still has to get approved. But if you have health conditions like I do, they’ll easily give you a pass.
If it wasn’t available, then I’d be looking for other proven methods that have worked for others.
There’s no way I’d want to botch the attempt and end up a vegetable and make my family suffer seeing me in such a bad state. I’d probably combine ways in case one failed.
Imo, dro.wning, suff.ocation, CO or other ga.ses have been pretty reliable means for many people to ‘exit’ life and probably what I’d consider.
I read an article about hundreds of sui.cides in Ontario simply from plas.tic baags. As we can’t really discuss mthds, I’ll end it there.
wait- weed really gets rid of guilt and anger? and makes everything taste better? (i’ve only tried it once)
i’m pissed bc i am not ready to die without having achieved or accomplished something first. but my legs are toast (along with other health issues) as well as some major brain issues. so it feels impossible for me to “get my life straight” and actually accomplish anything or attain any kind of happiness. I DID have that potential BEFORE i cam to this shithole and gotten the infection that destroyed my legs and health. and before this other thing damaged my brain and eyes/ears/balance.
and no, as i stated in other posts, it’s so risky to attempt. 97% of all attempts result in failure. not being successful at it is one thing- it is entirely a different matter to survive and be MORE maimed. so attempting has it’s consequences.
and like i said- i had wanted to achieve SOMETHING first before quitting. but now it’s too difficult to do ANYTHING.
In our situations making small improvements already is a great accomplishment. It can be challenging to come around to this attitude given how society defines expectations for everyone in ways that are not appropriate for most people, but more often than not I think it’s a better mindset.
also, the ways you mention are SLOOOOW painful deaths- death by eventual heart attack or drinking alcohol or excessive caffeine.