What are some good books written by people who killed themselves?
I’m halfway through “It’s Kind of a Funny Story” by Ned Vizzini who killed himself in 2013. It’s about his suicide attempt and lockup in a mental ward when he was 15. Good book, breezily written but it touches on moments of deep psychology, and anyone who’s also been locked will find it immediately relatable.
Couple months ago I posted about “By the Time You Read This” by Cheslie Kryst who was Miss USA 2019, a lawyer, tv host, model, activist. Jumped off a building in 2022. The book isn’t specifically about her mental health but it was intended to be a memoir of her Miss Universe days and how she dealt with the stress.
Haven’t yet read Sylvia Plath “The Bell Jar” but it’s high on my list. Anyone read it?
What I like about reading these books is knowing that they would eventually lose the battle and kill themselves unbeknownst to them at the time of writing, but still feeling a sort of hopeful vibe that at least they would live long enough to finish writing the book and maybe feel a sense of accomplishment before ending it all. Maybe that’s all I really want with what’s left of my life.
12 comments
Love this post.
Part of me wants to read Ned’s book, but why?
Is it to find validation? Explanation? Justification? Or is it just a voyeuristic, morbid curiosity on my part?
Often I felt that I ought to have given a better explanation for my suicide attempt while realizing that no explanation would reflect the totality of personal experience or be sufficient for the readers’ understanding or acceptance.
Ultimately we are on an intensely personal journey despite our shared commonality. As such, despite my interest— intellectual, psychological, or voyeuristic—I will pass on the grounds that it may unduly influence me. The decision to live or not must rest upon my Maker (and myself?).
Ned’s book probably won’t influence your own decisions, it’s more like a window into the life of someone who’s totally different, a sort of alien himself (rich kid growing up in Manhattan–very Catcher in the Rye-ish). So it’s like you said about our individual journeys. His life is for him, ours is for us.
It’s that “shared commonality” that keeps me hooked. That plus the light-hearted, sometimes hilarious, way he presents crushing depression. Reading bits of this book has become sortofa comfort activity for me.
Something deeper, which may be up your alley on intellectual grounds, but possibly influencing, is the Pulitzer Prize winning David Foster Wallace (“The Pale King”, “Infinite Jest”) whom I’m avoiding. But I want to read his work sooner or later. He strikes me more of a philosophical writer whose ideas may seep in and influence us.
Back to the first part of your comment, all of those things are swimming in my head too… a need for validation, justification, and plain old voyeuristic morbid curiosity. Not sure what that says about me. But these writers had their reasons for laying themselves out bare, so I guess there’s no harm in it(?)
Cheslie Kryst – idk her whole story but I read an article on her. Ppl like her SEEM like they have everything- successful, beautiful etc.
I used to be that too- obviously not Miss USA or a lawyer. But I was pretty, was a model, was in commercials, movies, etc. I worked at a VERY prestigious financial place, did very well academically, also was ex-military, etc. So I had brain, Braun, and beauty. Needless to say all women hated me. And men only went after me for my looks.
I was very successful on the outside. On paper.
Idk Miss USAs whole story or what she was going through, but there’s a commonality among beautiful people- we tend to be attacked by both men and women – women via backstabbing, lies, gossip and jealousy. And men via using us just for our bodies. And lying and manipulating to get what they want from us.
I’ve met so many pretty girls who have been raped or sexually assaulted. Like so many. I didn’t know how many of my friends were actually SA’ed until I mentioned mine. And people who have been friends of mine for over 15 years, finally told me their story because I told them mine. It’s not a thing women share. But once I told my friends then they told me what happened to them. No one realizes just how often women get SA’ed or raped. Well first off most women do not report anything because no one believes the woman, especially after the stupid “believe all women” movement. Regular people don’t believe us, cops don’t believe us, and majority of women either never reported or even if reported nothing happens, no investigation, nothing.
I did want to see a statistic in one of the articles I read I forget the exact number but it was a friendly large percentage of women who have been either SA’ed or groped or raped in their life.
Anyhow my point is – if Miss USA was that pretty, I am 100% certain she has been sexually assaulted at some point by someone.
I am also certain that there has been many men in her life who has lied to her, manipulated her, abused her, just because she’s pretty. Because it happens to almost all beautiful woman.
So on the outside, she may appear super successful and super accomplished. But we don’t know what is going on with her on the inside.
The fact that she became a lawyer probably indicates that Something did happen to her and that she wants to go after bad ppl. Also, the fact that she is a type a personality who has the ambition and drive to do this this and that, is a defense mechanism. It’s the same one I had – I was exactly like this ( Prior to my being disabled obviously). Being constantly on the go, costly achieving this high-level thing, or that high-level thing, is very much a defense mechanism from trauma.
I haven’t read her story, but I don’t need to. Statistically, most beautiful women have been assaulted at some point in their lives. Usually at a very early age. most women are very good at hiding and concealing rape / SA. You wouldn’t know it happened to them unless they told you.
Also like I said, being so beautiful, I am 100% sure that there have been many many many many women who have hated her and wanted to sabotage her. Or bullied her or stabbed her in the back. There’s no way a pretty girl has not had this happen to her. Growing up constantly being hated is definitely going to make someone depressed for life.
When you go through life like that, with both men and women treating you this way, all the time, most beautiful women do not grow up unscathed.
Anyway, my point is, people may seem to have everything on the outside, but that doesn’t mean their life is anywhere good or great.
I guarantee you that Miss USA woman has had something traumatic happened to her. Something that she’s been dealing with for decades. She may appear on the outside like she has everything, but she is broken on the inside. I feel for her bc she sounds very much like me. I only read an article or two- Did not read her autobiography. But nobody commits suicide if “they have everything.”
Despite popular belief, beautiful people are not happier. Beautiful people tend to be very Broken people. That is the sad reality of life.
Brawn*
Used speech to text so errors
Ugh, wish I could edit. So many errors when you use speech to text.
Did her book talk about her depression and why she was depressed?
“I haven’t read her story, but I don’t need to.”
Holy smokes for real. You summarized her without reading a single page. Whether it’s due to your own parallel life, or whether it’s due to your understanding of her type (beautiful, incredibly confident on the outside probably masking a suppressed vulnerability like SA), um. Yeah you nailed it.
What’s funny is she doesn’t talk about SA at all. It’s very conspicuously absent, which makes me wonder if the book is part of her attempt to portray herself in an artificial pageant-contestant way. But some of us can read between the lines.
For example to answer your question, no she doesn’t talk about depression, but she mentions all these times when she flipped out crying over insignificant things. Like her first manicure in NYC was way more expensive than she’d expected, and she had a total crying meltdown over it. That screams depression to me.
Also back to SA, which I think you’re very astute to key on (despite not having read the book lol), she talks a lot about her on/off relationship with this one guy who seems to be kind of a passive jerk but she keeps going back to him. Isn’t that textbook SA victim? Always going back to bad or abusive relationships even though Miss USA could have literally her pick of any man on the planet?
That’s another place where we have to read between the lines.
What’s frustrating is since she doesn’t talk about her depression there’s no hint of why she was depressed. Did she suffer SA or some other buried trauma? Also why was she so insanely over-achieving? As a double-minority (female as well as non-white) she probably knew that success meant being twice as good as the best white man, so I bet that was driving her to destructive levels, but there had to be more?
I dunno, from what you’ve told me about your own story, I bet you’d be able to answer a lot of these questions (without even reading the book lol)
Of course she isn’t going to write about her depression. Especially being a pageant winner. 99% of all women hide their SA/rape. It’s not something you can talk about even in 2026. Because both males and females will blame the women, always has always will be.
I don’t need to read her book to know who she is. Like I said, she is a type A person, Just like me. People who become type a people are generally people who have had a rough childhood, and have a need to prove themselves to the world. They drive for success for the validation. And to quiet the internal turmoil.
I guarantee you she has self-esteem issues, despite being a beautiful smart successful lawyer and pageant winner. People who have self-esteem issues strive to achieve the most to prove their worth to themselves as well as to the world.
Anyway, beautiful women have always been damaged. Always have an always will be.
The “lucky ones” Become successful models or actresses. And even then the majority of them have been SAed or raped or treated as a piece of meat. Very few beautiful women grow up to be well-adjusted happy people. Of course they will appear to be on the outside, because no one is going to want to show their depression and insecurities on the outside.
I feel for her because she is just like me. Well maybe she’s attend more success because I happened to get sick way too early in life. Had I not gotten sick I would have achieved so much more. Just my luck and lot in life Huh?
Granted, I did achieve way more than the average person by the time I even turned 21.
But still, whatever I achieved was not enough for me to be satisfied. And to be in that old disabled due to injuries, fucked me up real bad mentally because I am someone like that pageant winner lady, that NEEDS to achieve success. Sure, our success does not equate to inward peace, But at least I wouldn’t feel like a total loser had I Achieved more outward success
I worked at sweatshop at age 7- in the US. I skipped a grade of school, started college at 15, am ex-military, dabbled in modeling and acting, worked at the Fed, been on my own technically since 17 but realistically on my own since age 7.
It’s just a fucking tragedy that I wasn’t able to accomplish more because of my car accident and brain injury. And now I’m poor, sick and have NO help.
Life is shit.
Anyhow, even if I choose success, I’m more success if I hadn’t had the car accident, I still completely understand that pageant lady. Winning all those I would accolades don’t mean that much. I mean it’s certainly better than nothing obviously, but she is messed up on the inside.
No one jumps if they weren’t all messed up on the inside.
And Like I said, she has self-esteem issues. Because why else would someone go out with shitty men?
It’s like Whitney Houston – she is so amazing is the singer. She doesn’t need that loser. But he knows that she’s insecure and has all sorts of issues that he manipulates in capitalize on. Which is what all bad men do When it comes to controlling and manipulating and using beautiful women. They purposely cut them down to make them feel small and insecure.
That’s why I hate humans. Both males and females do this shit. It’s called gaslighting and manipulating. And one of the fundamental rules For controlling and manipulating someone is to make them feel small, insecure, and insignificant and unsure of their abilities.
So us broken people try to be perfectionists, But no matter what we achieve, we remain broken. Especially when we have assholes purposely trying to cut us down so they can use and manipulate us
Like I said, I don’t even need to read her book to know who she is. All I need to know is she was a pretty pageant winner, a lawyer, and killed her self. That’s all the three details I need to know who she was/is.
Being born beautiful is a curse. It is not some amazing fantasy world that people believe it is.
Most beautiful women get either sex trafficked, raped, SAed, used, manipulated etc.
That’s why you see so many models jumping to their death.
Might even be able to guess what was the last straw that pushed her to jump. Since the book only covers up to the year 2020ish, that part remains a mystery.
Probably the shitty bf was messing with her head. That’s what manipulators and gaslighters do. And they always latch onto beautiful nice women.
Sadly, beautiful evil women don’t get targeted 10% of beautiful nice women. Bc in order to manipulate, these AHs always go after nice ppl.
Hence, my hatred for humans.
And yes, it works both ways. I am not just blaming evil men. There are a lot of evil women out there to who do the same thing to nice guys. And that shit pisses me off more than anything- that Super nice people are always being targeted. Always.
Following up with my final review of the Ned Vizzini book.
**MILD SPOILERS**
The end was kinda disappointing because as you can guess it kinda fell back on the same ending that all these kinds of books have: not cured but coping.
Optimistic. I suppose that’s what he felt at the time (supposedly he wrote the entire book in 1 month after he got out of the mental ward). But as we saw in the years to come, his optimism didn’t hold up.
I got to researching more about Ned Vizzini’s last days, and apparently it was a slow hopeless spiral. Success actually burned him out, which is the exact reason why he had a meltdown in the book 10 years prior.
The 2nd time didn’t end as well, although he tried to clear his head, he left California and went back to his parents in NYC, but suicide followed him. He jumped off the roof of his parents building.
Bc NYC sucks ass