It’s been a while since I’ve posted here in this website. Last time I’ve posted was September 2023. Now, it’s February 2026. I’m 43/M from Indonesia. People might look at me on the surface from the outside that I’m ‘okay’. That’s how shallow, superficial, & fake this world, society, & people are. Nobody really/truly cares about how/what I think/feel deep down inside. In reality, I’m just a loser/failure, especially in today’s ‘capitalistic’ world/era. I’m just a sad, pathetic, useless sack of meat who’s just better not exist. If only there’s an easy way to disappear. If only Thanos’ finger snap was real. If only the ‘red button’ really exist to press immediately. But, reality is cruel. The world is cruel. It’s a cruel world & life/existence/reality. So now, I’m stuck & trapped everyday.
I’m even posting here ‘secretly’, because people IRL (in real life, whether it’s my parents, family, friends, etc2) might probably judge me ‘negatively’ & even more harshly, as a ‘sad pathetic useless middle-aged loser’! Even though at this point now, honestly, I just don’t give a fuck anymore, to be honest. I’m sick & tired with everything. I don’t know where else to channel & vent out my deep frustrations with all of this. Not to human beings, because most people probably will just only judge me ‘negatively’. Fuck them all! And not even to AI too, because sadly, even chatting with AI have yielded the same boring, ‘safe’, repetitive generic cliche answers/responses (whether it’s ChatGPT, Grok, DeepSeek, AI Overview, Meta AI, etc2). I just can’t seem to find any more ‘answers’ to all my ‘deepest’ questions, thoughts, feelings, predicaments, frustrations, longing, crying, praying, etc2.
I don’t know what I’m living for anymore, seriously. Why I should keep living? A person like me should just not exist anymore. I’m just an useless burden. I’m useless in this ‘capitalism’ 21st century ‘modern’ / ‘post-modern’ era, society, & world. I’m just a broken cog in a machine of ‘hustle culture’, ‘flexing’, ‘productivity’, ‘output’, profits margins, money, likes, followers, FYP, trend, hype, blue tick Instagram/IG accounts of influencers, selebgrams, & all the ‘noises’ that 8 billion humans everyday makes without any rest. People keep chasing this or that, ambitiously, While here I am, alone just by myself, keep thinking & asking all the ‘deepest questions’ (& even the so-called ‘Life’s Biggest Questions’ of all/everything!), existential depression, cosmic nihilism, etc2. “What’s the point of all this? Seriously? What’s the meaning of life? Why is life like this? Does God exist? Is god real? Life is meaningless? Life is absurd? Why life is not fair? Why life is so unfair? Life is random?” etc2. And perhaps, the most frustrating aspect about human’s consciousness (even said to be a ‘curse’, especially in the ‘Philosophical Pessimism’ related!) is, personally, about the: “reality .vs. imagination” deeply existential dilemma! Why we can imagine unlimited possibilities, only to be bound, crushed, destroyed by reality?
My life is also just a series of failures. I know that I’ve blamed myself mostly, for being such a sad pathetic ‘no good’ useless piece of shit. Even despite all my ‘potentials’, ‘talents’, & ‘privileges’, I’ve still failed in all areas of life. If you’ve read my ‘older’ posts here in this website even from many years ago back then, honestly, nothing has changed that much. I mean, sure, to be fair, again, some people might perhaps look at my life from the outside / on the surface level (superficially!), and think that I’m ‘fine’, I’m ‘okay’, or perhaps people even look at me (& my ‘social media’ accounts, especially Instagram/IG!) & simply think: “Oh, he’s fine! Niki is doing great!”. But, little do they know, they just don’t understand anything. People are just too simple-minded, sadly/unfortunately. People are shallow, superficial, vain, ignorant, & judgmental. But, maybe that’s just how it is. Maybe that’s just how the world works. Maybe I *am* the ‘loser’, the ‘failure’, the ‘outcast’, the ‘weird, crazy’ one, the ‘edgy’ one, the ‘useless’ one, etc2. Maybe I’m the wrong one. Maybe it’s all my faults for not being ‘normal’. Maybe I’ve been ‘making excuses’ for all my life. Maybe I’m just ‘lazy’. And ‘useless’, ‘pathetic’, ‘ungrateful’, a ‘disgrace’, etc2. That’s why I should not exist. I’m just a waste of space, a waste of oxygen.
Even when I’ve tried (at least), but I don’t know why(?), it seems/feels like I’ve just got ‘bad lucks’ too, in the end. I don’t even know anymore whether it’s god, universe, karma, fate, destiny, or just pure random chances & chaos? I’m tired, that’s all I know for sure. I’m just very tired, existentially, deeply, even to the deepest ‘soul’ level. Life is not fair. Some, or even a LOT of people / most people just seem to be able to get what I’ve always deeply longing for the most, especially in the past few years: a happy relationship with someone loving, someone who can (deeply) understand me, care about me, love me, talk, laugh, & cry with me, & accept me unconditionally. I don’t know why I’ve already tried & tried again & again, just only to always fail, rejected, ‘ghosted’, ignored, especially girls just leave me alone, in the end. God knows how many efforts I’ve even tried, especially with this one girl (Felicia, if you’re reading this somehow… & also Carissa, thank you for still being a ‘close friend’ online even still until now, even if your life is so much more harder than mine, I can deeply empathize with you too… )
I don’t know…
It just hurts so much (deeply!)… to see how my life turned out to become like this now…
and especially when I look at everyone else here just still seems to be ‘happy’ …
yes, I envy & jealous of all those ‘normal’ people…
I wish I could also have a ‘happy life’ … just like everyone else… just like everybody else…
Why am I like this?…
Why my life is like this?…
Why I’ve become like this now?…
Why my life become like this now?…
WHY ??!! . . .
.
There’s no answer
Just silence
So, why I’m still alive then?
What am I living for anymore?
Why live?
Why?
What’s the point of it all, really?
.
…I wish I could just ‘disappear’ …
.
.
.
7 comments
And also, I want to add some more points to my original post above:
My existential depression is mainly caused by the ‘reality .vs. imagination’ dilemma (just as I’ve write above in the original post). And if you check my ‘older’ posts in this website, from many years ago, then you’ll see what I mean exactly by that. Basically, our human’s imaginations can create the most imaginative fantasies/fantasy, stories, fictions, art, movies, games, novels, comic books, anime/manga, & even create another worlds/universes/dimensions/realities! But, in the end, just only to be severely limited by this mundane, boring, petty, trivial, ridiculous, nonsensical, stupid, & depressing reality / real life / real world!
Reality is very limiting / limited! not only in what we can do/be, but mostly in what we CAN’T do/be! We are forced/pressured to survive, to work, or be in situations / conditions / circumstances / predicaments / problems that we’ve never asked to! Unless for some people in this world who are lucky. But, not everyone can win. Not everyone can be a ‘winner’ in this world / life / reality. There are winners, & there are losers. Same like in nature: there are ants who live, ants who die. Some live, some die. That’s it. That’s all. Nothing special. But, we as humans are cursed with consciousness, to be aware of all these absurdities (life is absurd!) & meaninglessness, pointlessness, & stupidities, yet, we can’t really do much to change everything just like we want /wish / expect / dream / imagine! And that’s depressing! No wonder suicide cases happen everyday around the planet!
Also, people don’t think ‘deeply’ about all these stuff. Most people just simply live everyday. “Ignorance is bliss”. That’s why people are happy, content, ‘grateful/thankful’, feeling ‘blessed’, etc2. Because they don’t think much more deeper.
“Enjoy life!”
“Just be happy!”
“Live in the present!”
“Practice mindfulness!”
“Live, Laugh, Love!
“Thank god! Thank universe!”
“Life is good! Life is great!”
“What a time to be alive!”
“Life is a gift! Life is a blessing!”
etc etc etc
And then, there are also many people who just simply accept things & say things like:
“That’s life! That’s just how it is! Just accept it! Grow up! Grow some spine! Suck it up! Just grin & bear! Be strong! Be tough! Don’t be weak! Don’t complain! Stop whining! Just do it! Stop wasting time! Get back to work!” etc etc etc
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It’s all basically just human’s survival instincts. Nothing more than that.
But, some people can think (& feel) deeper than just the ‘normal’ life everyday. Of course they will be in a minority % percentages/numbers, compared to the majority / most people in this world. We can ‘see’ that the truth/reality is depressing.
Assuming you’re right, can you still be useful to yourself though?
no I can’t. I’m a loser. just a sad, pathetic middle-aged loser who is no good at anything.
I wish I could just disappear. .
SP keeps blocking my post because there’s a trigger word? Anyway I’ll try posting in sections to see which word is the problem.
Part 1
Hey man I can’t remember if we’ve ever talked, but I remember your posts from when I first joined years ago. You’ve always been a deep thinker, an existential thinker, and that always seems to lead us to the inescapable emptiness.
From what I remember you’re a musician, right? A good one. There was another good musician on here, I think he went by Antony something. Posted some great compositions. Eventually killed himself according to the police report. Dunno where I was going with that… maybe what you were saying about trying to escape into creative fantasy.
Part 2
nothing’s posting wtf
Part 3 since SP censored the paragraph I wrote about an anime?
My opinion is that it doesn’t really matter. It’s like a drug addiction. If you take the drug, then it’ll eventually kill you. If you don’t take the drug, then reality will kill you. I guess it doesn’t matter. But at least if we “take the drug” (escape into fantasy) then we have a few moments of peace.