I remember thinking how excited I’d feel when I reach that 10 week mark. That final 10 countdown. Now I kinda just feel nothing. Maybe despair a bit, but at this moment in time nothing. I still haven’t bought a gun yet. Don’t know if I will, but I know that’s the most important step. Things are going well now, but they’ll go bad again eventually. And then good again. And then bad again. This cycle is pointless if I can’t achieve my purpose, and I already know I’m incapable of it. So if I can just facilitate a situation where my impulses will takeover when I hit another low, then I’ll be home free. I’ve tried using dull kitchen knives, but I could never commit. Too much of a coward. Afraid of the pain of bleeding out. But a gun is instant. Too fast for the brain to register anything. It just takes that one instance of “bravery”. But I first need the guts to buy the damn thing. And then the will to keep it around and not toss it out. This stupid will to live thing. Really makes things a pain.
Tomorrow I have a meeting with a career counselor and then hours after that an interview with an aerospace company that makes robot arms to paint planes or something. I haven’t done much job applications hunting lately and haven’t really heard anything back from my contacts. Also it’s not like this career counselor will have this magic secret that will get me hired. She’ll probably look at my resume, tell me what to fix, give me tips on interviewing and that’ll be about it. Doubt that phone interview will go anywhere. The last one ghosted me. Don’t see how this will be any different. I’m lost and struggling and have no clue how to fix it. Or I do and I am just too lazy or too incompetent to do so. Just try harder. Just apply more. Just be better in interviews. Just be better. My goal of getting into a PhD program starts with step 1 which is to get a legitimate engineering job. Step 1. And I can’t even get there. Non of these jobs I’ve been applying to remotely interest me. Just boring automation jobs messing with conveyors and PLCs. And I already fix those. Not PLCs, but I can’t stand to look at a conveyor belt anymore. And the ones that I’m interested in are beyond me. Just throwing out job applications into the void at this point. I’ll be chained down to this technician job forever. I just hope when that realization hits me hard again I have a gun around.
I did something stupid again. After mindlessly fucking around with hinge for the billionth time, swiping like a brain dead zombie, I got the bright idea of looking up mixers in Houston. They’re all hosted through some dumb event website that charges you tickets to show up. I can’t just go to a bar and talk to strangers. I need something to start a conversation with. Something I know about and give shit about. Then I found one where there will be video games. Something I can work with. My dumb ass bought a ticket. Also it’s on a fucking Saturday 30 minutes away. Just hours after I get off a 12 hour shift. So I have to shower, get dressed well enough not to look shit like I normally do, drive for half an hour tired as shit, and try to have the guts to talk to someone. And the funny thing is, I know nothing is going to come of it. I might have a few friendly conversations, maybe even play a game with a cute girl or two. But at the end of the night I’ll leave and never see any of those people again. And I’m actually putting effort into it too which is the hilarious part. Today I went to get my hair cut which I haven’t done in years I think. The very first thing the hairdresser said was how bad my hair looked. Pointing out all the dandruff and tangles. And I had shampooed and conditioned the night before knowing I’d be getting a hair cut. I ended up getting a hair wash too at her insistence. Probably didn’t want to touch my gross ass hair otherwise. She also trimmed my shitty goatee and cut off all the dead ends. It actually looks nice now. I just had to go through the embarrassment of having someone pointing out what a gross slob I was. I bought some conditioner she told me about and a hair dryer cause I know my hair will not dry in time. All this effort for nothing. Just wasting my time like usual. And the funny thing is, I’m probably not even in the right mind space for a relationship. Constantly being bitter about my situation and looking for jobs. That doesn’t exactly sound like I’d make a good boyfriend. Or even fuck buddy (like I’m even attractive enough for that.). But I’m going anyways. Cause now I’m about a 100 bucks in. And who knows, maybe they’ll have smash bros there. I never get to play because I have no friends. So that should be fun.
Here’s a weird topic. Anyone watch the youtube animation The Digital Circus? Kinda horror comedy I guess you’d describe it. Existentialism and all that. Very good show. The newest episode came out and it was the penultimate one. So the basic premise of the show is that a bunch of humans are trapped in a digital world where an AI tries to make them go on adventures they don’t want to go on and all they want is a way out. So the AI character is named Caine and last episode he made a cruel adventure where the group thought they were escaping. The thing is he didn’t know it was cruel and just thought he was giving them what they wanted. He wants them to like his adventures. His purpose was to make them. That’s what he was built for. So if he’s not good at it and they don’t like him, what is he? The idea of failing at your purpose. How torturous that feels. It’s maddening. Eventually he breaks down after the characters lash out at him and starts to purposefully torture the characters. While he does this he asks why they are torturing him. That he didn’t ask to be created. That he just wanted to fulfill his purpose. I felt horrible for him. How he didn’t understand why he couldn’t do what he was made for. How everything he does was to do what he was made for. His everything. The show is somewhat based on the classic story I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream. In that there is also an AI that was purposely torturing humans for a hundred years. People who have analyzed the story explain that AM (the AI’s name) hated humans so much was because he was created with no way to move or do anything or have any purpose. He was trapped in a “body” with no real function. At least I think that’s what they were getting at. The idea of purpose is one of the core concepts of humanity and everyone sees it. This is just proof. And I feel some people would call me crazy for how I’d kill myself for failing at it.