It feels more like I’m counting down to an execution than to freedom like it originally was. I could set that as the time limit before I try to kill myself, but every time I set a time limit I never end up following it. Something’s just got to give and for as long as I’ve tried I’ve never cracked the code on what that is.
Family left today. Bought me breakfast and we said our good byes. Was able to skip buying half a weeks groceries since we went out to eat so much. I’d say that’s great if I didn’t blow that saved money and then some on something stupider. They came and left without much issue. They knew something was wrong, but wouldn’t push. Not like I’d say anything if they did. I just had to made sure my anger didn’t spill over and we end up getting into an argument. And we didn’t. Even if I did tell them everything I’ve said on here, it wouldn’t change anything. When I tried talking to them as a kid I’d just get some inane lecture about faith in God or working hard or other trite bullshit. My beliefs are just fundamentally different from what theirs are. In nearly everything. They would never understand why purpose matters so much to me and why it can only be what I’ve chosen.
Things are looking up again. And I still don’t want them to. I just want off the ride. My mentor mentioned that a guy from Motivo is looking for engineers. It’s a company I’ve already tried and failed to get into a long ass time ago. But with my mentor’s recommendation who knows. Of course I got far and failed with Vecna after using my manager’s name to get in. So can’t say I’m all that confident. I set up a meeting with a career counselor from WPI. They might be able to give me better pointers. Probably just tell me how to make my resume better and interviewing tips. But they won’t give me the magic answer that’ll get me a job. My mom reminded me about headhunters yesterday. People who look for jobs for you. Probably should really look into that. The mind numbing struggle of looking on linkedin and indeed is making me waste away. I imagine it’d take another big chunk out of my already tiny salary. And I’d just end up right where I am. When is the disappointment finally going to break me?
I can’t quite remember the feeling of that gun in my hand. That’s the biggest step. If I can get the guts to buy one, I’d be closer to finally getting off this miserable ride.