Half way there. Keeping track is quickly becoming meaningless. We all know how this ends. Another horrible week. More stupid bullshit I had to deal with at work. More rejections from engineering companies. More restless nights. It’s not going to end any time soon.
Friday was particular miserable. Got a rejection email like I predicted from that AMR company. At least they made their decision fast. Something about seeing the email though really pushed something inside me. Just pure hatred and fury. About everything in this situation. I wanted to crash out so bad, but I was at work. So instead I just become despondent as usual. Then to add insult to injury I got my yellow vest. The first 3 months on the job you are technically in training. That means you basically need people to watch you do your work and help you and shit. You wear a red vest during this time that tells everyone you’re basically a helpless idiot that doesn’t know what they are doing. Fine whatever. But after 3 months you “graduate” and get your yellow vest meaning you’re basically a regular employee. They made me go over this stupid fucking checklist I didn’t want to sit through and made everyone gather around as they handed me my yellow vest and clap and shit. The whole time I looked like I wanted to kill myself. This milestone is just a reminder that I’m stuck here. Getting a rejection and seeing their stupid fucking faces as they clapped for my yellow vest made Friday unbearable.
Another hail mary. It won’t go anywhere. They never do. I recently remembered that my old advisor has a consulting company that specializes in soft grippers for robot arm EOT. It was something he never talked about so it’s easy to forget. I think I saw their company once at a trade show I attended at the end a spring semester. So I shot my shot. I contacted them seeing if there was any open positions and that I worked under their co founder. Of course I notified my advisor before hand about 5 minutes before trying to contact his company, so I don’t know if he saw it. But if there’s any chance I’ve got, this would be it. I know the fucking co founder for god’s sake. But I can think of a million and one reasons why this wouldn’t work. They seem to be a small consulting company. Probably don’t have many employees and thus no open positions. My advisor can recommend the DON’T hire me cause of how incompetent he knows I am. I get to an interview with them and I just end up fucking it up like I always do. A million and one reasons. But as much as I hate to admit it, it gave me hope. Which is the worst thing to have.
As my life continues to spiral and am becoming more and more irresponsible with my money. All I can think is “Why the fuck am I saving? I ain’t going anywhere.” So I end up making stupid irresponsible purchases that just leave me feeling hollow in the end. It doesn’t help that I have a shameful addiction that I’ve probably talked too much about and don’t want certain people reading this to know too much about. But all you got to know is that it’s expensive, it’s really pathetic, and I end up feeling like shit every time. It doesn’t help that my loneliness through all this just fuels the dumpster fire that is my non existent impulse control. Speaking of loneliness, the Hinge experiment is still complete shit. The two people I was talking to have fizzled out. I’m just not interested in them and I can tell the feel the same. So we have nothing to say to each other. And so I continue swiping hoping I meet someone who gives a slight fuck about me and I give a slight fuck about them. Not knowing if my efforts to get the fuck out of here will even make such a thing feasible.
I’m halfway there. And I don’t see myself making it out.