I have been more resolute to kill myself recently. I think this one is finally different. I’m not emotional about it. I just really see no future. But I need to take baby steps.
I called a crisis hotline. I’ve been thinking more and more about buying a gun recently and needed to tell someone. Just needed to get it off my chest, so a hotline where they can’t do anything to stop me was good enough. I told them my plan, argued with them a bit about how hopeless it was. They gave me some check in calls, but like I said there’s nothing they could do.
Today I took another baby step. I went to academy and looked at the guns for sale. Looked at a 38 special revolver with 6 chambers. So I could do Russian roulette like I always said I would. Talked to the sales representative about the process of buying a gun. He let me hold it. It felt awkward in my hand. But I tried to really think about that sensation. What it would be like to put it to my head. It was only for a moment, but I gave it back. I left the store.
Some things have been looking up. There seems to be a career counselor from my Alma Mater. They reached out to me so that must mean they won’t ghost me like others have. Maybe there’s some secret they know that I don’t. Or it could always be a bust like usual. I took one more shot at asking my advisor for help. Just if he even knew any other companies like his. Going to bug him tomorrow. The controls engineer at work wants me to help him build controls cabinets and start messing around with plc software. Closest thing to engineering work I would be doing and I might actually learn something. Something I can say I did in interviews so might give me a slightly better chance. I talked to a friend recently about my plan. I was planning on saying nothing so no one could stop me, but I don’t know I guess I just didn’t see the point in hiding it. Or maybe I was asking for help. I don’t know. I got to vent some.
All this combined should mean things are getting better. But that other part of me says I don’t want it to get better. I don’t want it to get worse. I don’t want it to get anything. I just want none of it. There is no future. We need to do this. I’m not sure if I was as resolute as I was earlier in the week, but all I know is I still took that baby step.