Every action is starting to make me sick. I can’t stand anything. I can’t stand walking into that place. I can’t stand sitting there. I can’t stand trying to apply for jobs. I can’t stand thinking about PhD programs. I can’t stand playing magic. I can’t stand any of it. My sleep is restless but I’m acclimating. Through the course of the day I slowly began to calm down. I stopped thinking about it as much. But that lingering hatred was still there. In the back of my mind. Where did this big of a reaction come from? Was it that rejection email last week? Was it the yellow vest? What was it? It’s going to begin to be a problem. Being non functioning is only an option if I can finally get the guts to get a gun and blow my brains out. Until then I need to rip and tear my carcass across the floor as I drag it to work. My flailing will only serve to keep me stuck here. But I don’t have the stomach to keep applying for jobs that will never take me. I still haven’t heard back from my advisor’s company. I have to wait until Wednesday to do a follow up. At least that’s what gpt says. It’s sad I still rely on that thing.
My beliefs have always been strange. Ever since I was a child I’ve needed this desire for control. For something to justify my existence. Some sort of structure to the way of the world. My purpose is supposed to be a part of that structure. And without it my body reacts like this. I’ve gone on and on and on about purpose and control for so many years now that sometimes I start to believe I’m full of shit. I just haven’t had an opportunity to really crash out. The last time I can think was more than a year ago when I shorted my board for the 4th time and I went home crying, sat in a bath tub, and lazily pressed a dull kitchen knife against my throat as if anything was going to happen. This crash out will be more angry and violent I think. I want to break things. I want to cave in a head. I need something obliterated. I must always keep in mind not to hurt anyone though. I’m worried about that.
Can’t go wrong with an Elena Siegman song.
1 comment
Hey, you ever just wake up, and then you realize how out of charactee everything in your life and how you’ve been acting is, and you have contempt for it all, but then it quickly fades as you are sucked under..