Every action is starting to make me sick. I can’t stand anything. I can’t stand walking into that place. I can’t stand sitting there. I can’t stand trying to apply for jobs. I can’t stand thinking about PhD programs. I can’t stand playing magic. I can’t stand any of it. My sleep is restless but I’m acclimating. Through the course of the day I slowly began to calm down. I stopped thinking about it as much. But that lingering hatred was still there. In the back of my mind. Where did this big of a reaction come from? Was it that rejection email last week? Was it the yellow vest? What was it? It’s going to begin to be a problem. Being non functioning is only an option if I can finally get the guts to get a gun and blow my brains out. Until then I need to rip and tear my carcass across the floor as I drag it to work. My flailing will only serve to keep me stuck here. But I don’t have the stomach to keep applying for jobs that will never take me. I still haven’t heard back from my advisor’s company. I have to wait until Wednesday to do a follow up. At least that’s what gpt says. It’s sad I still rely on that thing.
My beliefs have always been strange. Ever since I was a child I’ve needed this desire for control. For something to justify my existence. Some sort of structure to the way of the world. My purpose is supposed to be a part of that structure. And without it my body reacts like this. I’ve gone on and on and on about purpose and control for so many years now that sometimes I start to believe I’m full of shit. I just haven’t had an opportunity to really crash out. The last time I can think was more than a year ago when I shorted my board for the 4th time and I went home crying, sat in a bath tub, and lazily pressed a dull kitchen knife against my throat as if anything was going to happen. This crash out will be more angry and violent I think. I want to break things. I want to cave in a head. I need something obliterated. I must always keep in mind not to hurt anyone though. I’m worried about that.
Can’t go wrong with an Elena Siegman song.