When he said he didn’t know of any companies, my immediate thought that he was a lying piece of shit. But I guess I’ve just cooled off and am now being back to despondent. I tried one more time asking my advisor for help. For anything. I just asked him if he knew of any companies that specialize in soft robotics. Not if any of them were hiring. Just if they exist. And he said he didn’t know any. A man who has spent his entire career dedicated to this subsection of his field. A man who is the principal investigator of an academic lab specializing in this field. A man who own a company that specializes in that area. And he couldn’t think of a single other company off the top of his head. Are you fucking kidding me? You can’t think of one?
I know he just doesn’t want to help me. He doesn’t want to deal with me. Because it’s give and take. I have nothing I can provide him. I never wrote a paper for a journal or conference. My end product for my thesis was laughable at best and a disgrace at worst. He gained nothing by letting me be a research assistant in his lab. Only gained a burden. So I guess I have no right to take his help then. I texted two other contacts today seeing if they knew of any work. I’m sure it will end just like this has.
I spent the day with my family. They could tell something was wrong with me. I have never been good at regulating my emotions much less hide them. The suicidal thoughts, hopelessness, and anger keeps breaking me down. While we were driving, I saw an article with a video on it where some panel or hearing was being recorded. Some dipshit cocksucker from DOGE (stupid fucking name) was being questioned about how reckless it was to let 20 something year olds who have no fucking clue how the government works cancel grants and federal funding. Smug **** insisted what they were doing was right and that they didn’t need any experience. These are the same people who scrambled the federal budget. The same budget problem that made it so I couldn’t go back to WPI. I was furious watching it. I couldn’t stand it. So that anger built and later in the day I let my mask slip on some unrelated conversation my parents were having. Police killing of some teen spring breaker from last year. The way the police and ICE have been acting I questioned if it was an accident like they said it was. They took notice. The anger was spilling out in unrelated areas. I try to shutdown to avoid getting more heated and starting an argument. I later get a lecture about needing to be some smiley faced dipshit when interviewing from my mom. And how “it’s frustrating” and to “keep going.” That just made me even angrier, but I remained shutdown.
It keeps screaming in my head how this is the only solution. All these problems will go away if I just take that leap. No more worrying about purpose. No more being stuck. No more anger. I’m losing hope.