It’s so easy to just fall back into the pit. I’ve been slowly falling the last couple weeks, I thought it was getting better.
Tonight my boyfriend was in a standup show. He started doing standup 2 years ago but took a break. He promised me when he started that any jokes that involved me would get run past me. He didn’t do that this time. He made up a fake joke about me and it was an embarrassing one.
He had a couple friends at the show and they were saying “oh we know you and those jokes are definitely not true”
But I felt like everyone else was staring at me. I felt completely embarrassed. I only found out about this joke last night and I should’ve said something, but I didn’t want to mess up his set, and I thought I would just tell him to not use that joke in the future today. Well now he’s sleeping in another room and I’m desperately trying not to cut myself. I started scratching up my arm with my nails because I just am falling apart and I need something to pull me back in. I’m gonna be up all night savoring the pain from the scratches because it’s the only thing keeping me from falling in deeper. I hate myself for feeling this way about a joke, but I was hiding my face at the show cuz I couldn’t handle it. My boyfriend was already upset cuz I forgot to get a photo of him on stage, but I just couldn’t focus through that joke. I spent nearly half the show crying with no escape.
I don’t know who to talk to right now. It’s been a while since I’ve been here and I just needed to tell someone. I just want to run away. I just want to get in my car and drive somewhere. But I can’t. I have to face this tomorrow. I just feel so embarrassed and disrespected.