The more time goes on the more I question if karma exists.
My happiness has been on a sharp downward trajectory since July. That’s when I decided to leave a stable relationship of 8 years. I had everything…love, loyalty, acceptance, and commitment, but something wasn’t right. My main excuse was disagreements on how to live together, financially, and family wise. After years of arguing, I decided to call it off before we would get married and a divorce would become inevitable. Truthfully I thought I was doing the right thing, but honestly I was also being selfish.
I broke her, I hurt her worse than anyone could have, she was desperate to make me return, but I was stern with my decision and I refused to stay. I thought “if these problems haven’t been able to be fixed these past 8 years then a marriage would only make things worse.” So I left…
I’ve tried dating again, I met a girl that had a strong affection towards me, and I felt the same towards her, but she is tied up in a cult and refuses to pursue things further if I don’t join (which I will not). Nowadays we have a hot and cold relationship that won’t go anywhere, so it’s pretty much dead.
I dated another girl for about a month that was super emotionally invested in me from the start, painted a beautiful illusion of us together, and was super “into” me. Turns out she was hooking up with half my coworkers lol.
I just recently stopped talking to a new girl who was very honest about expectations, and very respectful in a relationship sense. She was always available, and always showed interest, then out of the blue she just says “I’m not interested in pursuing this anymore ” again kind of hilarious.
It just seems everyone I’m saying is leading me to a dead end, and maybe I deserve it all. Maybe it’s karma for hurting someone good to me, maybe I’m just not giving these girls what they’re looking for. Maybe I’m dating the wrong age group (currently 30, dating girls in their early 20s). I’m not sure, but I’m getting lonelier and sadder as the months go by. And maybe I deserve this.
2 comments
Interesting thoughts. I don’t think karma exists in a cosmic or supernatural sense, but I do think “instant karma” exists. Certain choices we make have instant repercussions that send shockwaves through the rest of our lives.
An extreme example might be the story of “Crime and Punishment” where a guy who thinks he’s amoral commits a crime without any real motive but to prove that he can do it. He immediately starts experiencing a karma of conscience, unable to enjoy life the way he once did.
Maybe you’re experiencing that phenomenon. In other words, there’s no cosmic justice that’s sticking you in doomed relationships, but your own mind may have made itself incapable of being happy.
I’m going through something similar, not just with relationships (I’ve quit looking for a perfect soulmate for reasons below) but with jobs, career paths, goals and dreams. There were breaks I’ve made in life, ending stable relationships, quitting great jobs, torching dreams, that were due to me wanting something better. While ambition can be a good thing, always wanting better, it can also become an addiction that never gets fulfilled. Now I’m at the point where my standards are so insanely high that I can’t be happy with anything, not even who I am. Is that karma? No I think it’s just psychology.
You’ve singled out your abrupt ending of a stable relationship as the event that may have caused all subsequent failures. Maybe so, but not in a karmaic sense. Maybe that fateful decision was nothing more than your mind saying to itself “I want something better and I always will.”
Ouch…that cut deep.
I do tend to obsess over wanting “better”, and I end up falling into a depressed state when i realize i ‘m stagnant. I don’t know where the obsession comes from, but I can definitely see where self sabotage can arise from it.
I think I was happiest when I didn’t have anything in life (broke, young, and dumb.)
I will mention these new relationship failures have not been my fault (or so i think.) I provide everything a relationship needs to succeed (time, effort, affection, etc), I honestly think im just barking up the wrong tree with these young women that aren’t looking for anything serious. Or maybe im just not high enough energy for them? I don’t drown them in attention, just match their energy….ehh whatever lol