I’m listening to a podcast of this famous divorce lawyer on Diary of a CEO. Obviously he only deals in divorces, and if one needs a lawyer, it’s never an amicable one (amicable divorces generally get settled by the couple themselves).
Anyhow, he says 56% of marriages end in divorce, and 86% will go on to remarry.
Obviously, we would all like to meet our soulmates and live “happily ever after.”
But I was thinking, is it better to be alone and lonely OR be in a relationship that is “mediocre?”
I say “mediocre” bc that’s probably about 50% of all relationships- not great but not horrible. I know plenty of ppl who are still with their partners bc they just don’t want to be alone. They don’t love the person and isn’t very happy, BUT it’s not awful either and they’re not alone/lonely.
Let’s say for the sake of easy math, that there’s also 25% are horrible and 25% are “happily ever after” (don’t know the statistics but I’m sure there aren’t good statistics on it anyways).
If, say those are the odds, then is it better to be single and alone/lonely or have those odds above? Like Be with someone who is just “ok.” You don’t love the person but tolerate him/her bc you haven’t found anyone else.
Obviously those in the bad relationships should break up- tho half those ppl still don’t bc they either probably don’t realize it’s “bad” or feel like it’s not “bad enough” to leave. Also, some ppl really HATE being alone, so they’ll tolerate (occasional or sometimes) bad behavior. I know lots of those ppl, both online and IRL.
Anyhow, the divorce lawyer says everyone says “never again” right after a divorce, but then they’ll meet someone and do it all over again.
If say those are the odds, if one is single, they will 100% be alone/lonely. OR take those odds and find someone who is “ok enough”? That’s the route that most ppl take.
Yeah, there’s tons of ppl online who CLAIM are happy being single but I call bullshit on that. Very few are happy being forever single. Let’s say there’s 10-20% who actually are ok with that (they generally have good friends, good family, etc so they aren’t “alone.” The rest are single and lonely and most won’t admit it.
——-
I am someone who historically have ended all bad relationships, even friendships, if I sense they aren’t great. But that means I’m alone/lonely.
I wonder if I’m destined to be alone forever ….
Or should I just settle for someone who is “just ok”? Should I take the route most ppl take? I’m not sure my personality would even let me be in the same room as someone who I didn’t at least “like.” So I’m not sure I can even be with someone who’s just “ok.”
My personality has always been “all or nothing” approach to life. I’m either all in, or out. Same with everything- work, etc. not something I can choose either as that’s my personality- either I’m super passionate about something, or I very much dislike/hate something.
I never thought I’d be single this long (I used to be super pretty and I’d always have tons of guys chasing me). But I’ve never stayed with anyone that unless I really liked or cared for them.
Idk… I feel like I’ll be alone forever.
And feel like I’ll have depression forever.
31 comments
For those who have a part.ner (and it’s the right part.ner and not just a mediocre one) and yet is still depressed/suicidal – how does that work?
I get having other issues like health, lack of money, bad job etc. which causes ppl to be unhappy with life.
But doesn’t having found the right person for you at least stave off deep depression/suicide?
I mean if there’s other life issues, yes I get one wouldn’t be “happy” but I assume one wouldn’t be completely depressed/suicidal if they’ve found “the one.” Or the right one.
Unless…the person they’re with is “good” but not “the one”?
Can you couples shed some light on that?
This is a good topic
Personally I would rather be alone than being in a serious long term “mediocre” relationship. Although just superficially talking to someone I don’t mind “wasting” time and conversating (especially if they have a good personality).
I left an 8 year relationship not because of mediocrity, but because our mindsets were incompatible on serious topics.
I do understand what you’re saying about mediocricy though. I see a lot of people being in relationships because it fulfills their need for companionship, they feel like their partner “elevates” their status, or they want to live a generic “fairytale” life…I’m not sure if those people feel the same type of love that we feel, and maybe others in their family/friends fill that void for them.
I’ve always treated love as a passion between two people, inseparable bond, possibly willing to die for one another.
But dating has made me feel like this will continue to be less and less likely.
That’s why I decided to quit actively searching for someone to fill that hole, and just let it happen naturally, if it’s meant to be…
I’ve quit actively searching too, but it’s depressing and sad to be alone. It’s amazing if you’re with the right person.
Society at large will never admit this, but we should call out marriage for what it is: two codependent people pooling their resources to survive.
There’s no significant “love” element and probably not even a “lust” element after 5-6 years. It’s just 2 roommates who are afraid they can’t survive alone, so they cement the contract with something more formal than a lease agreement and convince themselves there’s some invisible cord called love tying their souls together.
Bullshit.
I actually had a perfect relationship once, it began as lust, progressed to romantic love, progressed to platonic love, then ended up at exactly what I said above: survival codependence. Through it all we were unbreakable best friends and pooling our resources & talents we were able to move mountains. It ended because of my suicidal depression. So I guess that was one mountain that wouldn’t move.
I don’t believe in soulmates or the enduring fire of love. But I do believe in two rational & practical people with a common goal whose bond is stronger than any flaky Hallmark romance. The question is, can it be stronger than depression?
In theory it can. But it’ll take a fuckton more than “I love yous” and candy on valentine’s day. Til then, remaining alone & learning how to survive without leaning on anyone else is a better use of time than scouring the bars & clubs & dating apps.
“we should call out marriage for what it is: two codependent people pooling their resources to survive.”
>>for many, but not all. it may be the case for a lot of ppl now, especially the younger generations but once upon a time (pre-9/11), the rich did not choke the middle class. They used to just squeeze us (still bad but not THIS bad) and you could survive economically as a single person.
>>marriage does work out great- for like ~25% of the population. Like I said, most/50% are just “ok” or “satisfied.” But I suppose that is much preferred to lonely and depressed.
I don’t believe in soulmates or the enduring fire of love.
>>There is no “perfect person” but there are people are “perfect enough” and who do make us happy. They are rare thought- for me at least. My last ex was “the one” (and yes it’s my fault I pushed him away- you know, abandonment/rejection issues). It’s a certain feeling you get- that you don’t get with anyone else. It was my biggest mistake and regret to this day to end it bc at the time, I didn’t want to deal with “feelings.”
>>When you meet the right person, you’ll feel it. It’s just that it’s very very unlikely to happen. I would say maybe about 10-20% of all relationships are “great.” The rest are just mediocre or miserable. But for me, being alone sucks. But that’s me. I know you don’t want to be around ppl so for you it’s fine to be alone.
The question is, can it be stronger than depression?
>>For most couples, no. But for maybe ~5% of couples, yes. There are ppl who stick by the depressed person, but that is hella rare. Most ppl bounce. But that’s American culture for ya. But it does happen. I know ppl who’ve been through thick and thin. But good luck finding someone like that nowadays. It’s usually the minorities with more family oriented cultures that stick by their part.ners through the bad times. Americans, not so much.
I’m 43 years old single guy from Indonesia. Even though I’ve been in four relationships in the past back when I was younger, the reality is that now I’ve been single for 3 1/2 years. And when all my efforts have ended in either being rejected, ignored, or ghosted, it all still deeply hurts (especially in some cases).
And the worst thing is to see how everyone else seems to be in a ‘happy relationship / happy couple / happily married’! (& especially even for a LOT of guys/men/males who are, honestly speaking, only just ‘subpar’ level, yet they -somehow- still eventually got into a ‘happy relationships/couples/married’ etc2!)
It’s not just very frustrating, tbh, but it’s also very depressing. In fact, honestly, it’s one of the main reasons why I’m suicidal.
yeah, i find that the last 10-15 years, it’s been harder and harder to find someone. There has been a culture change- at least in the US. The younger generations especially, aren’t even wanting to be in a serious relationship anymore. That wasn’t the case 20-30 years ago. Back then, everyone WAS looking to get married or find a part.ner. Now, people are like “I don’t even want friends.” Big change in people’s attitudes to friendships and relationships here in the US.
IKR! I see TONS of UGLY ass girls with great bf’s/husbands and I’m like…wtf? How did that happen?
This will sound OT, but I will get there trust me. I’ll break it up into 2 posts because it’s long.
1/2
This world’s such a rotten place (I really mean it), nobody should ever dare to even think about having kids unless they could give them generational wealth or stability until they’re in their 30s.
In my late teens I was walking around feeling like a zero, total loser…depressed, suicidal, because of my bad life and most of that I can blame on a lack of money and shitty family life.
Occasionally I’d walk by mirrors, like at malls and see myself and was surprised by the person I saw in the reflection, and thought somebody who looks like that, shouldn’t feel so terrible about themselves.
I didn’t even recognize myself and didn’t realize the gift I had…I couldn’t even appreciate it or take full advantage because of my rotten life.
I’m far from perfect ofc…but despite my flaws, I was considered attractive and had been complimented numerous times.
But I had the mentality of a nerd and didn’t quite develop my social skills…though I had my moments where I could be charming and outgoing when needed.
So I was a total mess in my head, I was dealing with being from a low income family, trying to sort our my life/education, career, then ofc trying to find that s/o.
When you’re ‘pretty’…you just take it for granted that people are nice to you or flirt with you and think it’s normal and happens to everyone.
Had I come from a middle-class family, I wouldn’t been way more confident (not sad and insecure). I would’ve been more my true self…funny, witty, a people-person. I would’ve seized on every potential chance I had with finding a ‘soulmate’ (and I had hundreds of chances over the years).
I had absolutely no guidance on dating so I didn’t think about racking up a ton of numbers and then date them until I had my fill of pretty girls and could finally settle on one to marry. I dated some, but it’s a tiny fraction of what I could’ve had if I had been more self-aware at the time.
Ultimately I was always a romantic type and did want a quality LTR. That ofc created some confusion too because I dealt with some beautiful girls but they were only interested in a fling/ons and I wanted something more.
“I didn’t even recognize myself and didn’t realize the gift I had…I couldn’t even appreciate it or take full advantage because of my rotten life.”
–SAME. I was very pretty too, and I also could not appreciate it and never took advantage of it. And now I’m “old” :'(
———-
“When you’re ‘pretty’…you just take it for granted that people are nice to you or flirt with you and think it’s normal and happens to everyone.”
–Maybe it’s different for a male, but as a pretty female, I was treated like SHIT for being pretty. Girls HATED me, either outright was mean and nasty, or worse, pretended to be nice to my face but stabbed me behind my back. And the guys were horrible to me too. The ones who couldn’t get gf’s were so mean and nasty, and they took it out on pretty girls. AND they only ever wanted ONE thing… -_-
———-
“Had I come from a middle-class family, I would’ve* been way more confident (not sad and insecure). I would’ve been more my true self…funny, witty, a people-person. I would’ve seized on every potential chance I had with finding a ‘soulmate’ (and I had hundreds of chances over the years).”
–SAME in that I would have also been more confident and not sad and insecure- but that I think comes more from my shitty ass family rather than growing up in poverty. But it may be different in your case. And yes, bc I had so many problems others did not have, I could not be carefree and happy and search for things like “love” or a “bf” when I was struggling to survive, pay bills, or even buy school supplies. In college, everyone was focused on finding a guy/girl, but I couldn’t afford to. I worked 4 PT jobs each semester AND had a full schedule of classes. AND it still wasn’t enough bc they paid shit wages (5.15/hr) so I was forced to sign up for the military to make ends meet while everyone else just went out partying and had fun -_-
–I would NOT have been depressed my WHOLE damn life if I wasn’t born poor and didn’t have all these issues and hurdles that others didn’t have, and now all those ppl are happy and successful and living middle or upper middle class lives with their SOs. Sigh…. -_-
It seems we had very similar lives…no wonder we think alike in many ways.
I’ll try to reply more when I get time…been pretty busy lately, haven’t had time to pop onto SP more often.
we got dealt a crap hand. and we’re told to “just get over it” by the world. but it’s like getting kneecapped and then still expected to finish the 1000mi race. and if we didn’t place # 1-3, then we just didn’t “work hard enough” as if it was our fault.
and ofc, it’s ALWAYS said by ppl who grew up with privilege- even middle class bc middle class kids didn’t have to struggle with everything related to poverty (which is basically everything in life) and they grew up in healthy environments where everything was provided for by their parents.
Nailed it. I’m going through something like that right now with work…but I won’t say here. It’s a small world and you’d be surprised who ends up knowing you from your life details.
But exactly right-there are problems that happen that we never asked for but instead of people having any sympathy, they kick you when you’re down and expect you to run the same marathon as everyone else.
Everyone thinks Elon was a self-made, poor schmuck who made it on his genius…his dad is an engineer who owns an emerald mine in SA, they were rich asf to begin with.
Like you said, it’s always the higher levels shiiting on everyone else and saying “you should pull yourselves up by your bootstraps” like they did, when they were never in the same situation.
I read the stats, 90% born in poverty die poor…so ofc only 10% ever break out.
All of that matters…I found out the hard way. If you don’t have a nice quiet, clean place to live at, you have a shit ton of problems to deal with.
No peace of mind, you can’t progress in your life…because you’re just trying to get to another place where you can have that peace…before you can focus on something more sophisticated that will get you to a higher financial state, so you have a better life.
all of these rich fuckers- gates, elon, etc- NONE of them were self made. they ALL inherited tons of money. i hate Bill Gates bc he’s evil af, but at least he is one of the FEW that admits he was born privileged.
it’s insane just how FEW ppl admit they were born privileged- even upper middle class ppl, not just the 1%. they ALWAYS give us this bullshit that they were self-made, they did it on their own, they did it via their intelligence and hard work, etc. BULL FUCKING SHIT. they ALL had help- financial help and connections. i’m not even talking the 1% or 10%.
even the upper middle class- ppl we went to school with, blah blah blah- refuses to admit they were privileged. they all think THEY were somehow disadvantaged. and i’m like, give me a fucking break. i know PLENTY of ppl who gripe and complain about how “hard” they had to work- meanwhile they never had to pay rent EVER, or utilities, never had student loans bc mommy and daddy paid for it, grew up with private piano or violin or dance lessons, but yet THEY are “disadvantaged” bc “they never went to private school.” i know TONS of ppl like that. they piss me off. like boohoo, i’m only upper middle class, not rich, so therefore i’m poor, and i have it hard. like WTF? hell, they won’t even admit they grew up upper middle class and insist they grew up just “avg” or middle class. and i’m like in what fucking world is private piano lessons “avg”?
exactly, the poor don’t even have bootstraps. but yet we’re told to “be self-sufficient,” “pull yourself up,” and “work harder,” etc. and don’t ever dare complain bc “you’re making excuses.”
MOST ppl say this kind of shit and it pisses me off to no end. like every income class is tone deaf to the class below them, not just the uber rich.
one of the biggest things that piss me off is that the whole world doesn’t recognize how kneecapped some of us are at the start of life, and if life doesn’t turn out well for us (which it statistically doesn’t) then it’s always “our” fault and WE get the blame. if we talk about it, then we’re just “complaining.”
it pisses me off that society just dismisses the importance and real impact of growing up poor, growing up in abuse, growing up with no parents or shitty parents, etc. but we’re just told to “shut up and get over it.”
growing up poor or with abusive parents statistically dooms a person. very small percentage of ppl get out of their income class, and very few ppl with abuse/trauma become happy. it does happen, but not to many. maybe 10% of people manage to escape that trap. but yet WE are always blamed.
just like how when a woman gets raped, there’s ALWAYS victim blaming, and instead of blaming and punishing the rapist, society blames and punishes the girl.
Catch 22, the poor are effed so hard by society…that’s why I’m always supportive of them.
This world only caters for the well to do….people who already don’t have problems or dump them on others to fix.
exactly. i’ve been caught in a catch 22 my whole life- especially since my car accident. in order to get healthy, you need money. but in order to make money, you need to be healthy. everything is designed to fuck you over if you’re poor. especially fucked if you’re poor AND sick. and if you’re poor and sick, NO ONE is willing to help you. NO ONE.
Looks like I’m blocked from posting.
Indeed, you’re in one of the worst situations possible for anyone. Ultimately though health is essential to turning your life around.
Definitely a downward spiral…no health no money, get sicker and you get trapped.
There’s just no way I could’ve gotten as far as I did in life without some helping hands, either from family or friends to get out of tough jams.
I mentioned my mom is a saint because she sacrificed to raise me and my siblings and she continues to help in taking care of our place.
This way I can focus on work, buying groceries, shoveling snow…I do more of the heavy lifting jobs, but she pitches in when I can’t.
And esp. recently I’ve had health problems and she makes sure there’s food on the table and so forth.
If you’re all alone and sick, how can you get anywhere? I truly feel for people in such situations , and then if you have to do some basic work like cooking, shopping you risk getting sick.
Not to mention the mental toll also. Sadly we don’t live in a world of caring people who look into their neighbors (esp elderly) and help out.
Most are on their own. Even my family, worse comes to worst, they’ll probably let me stay until I get on my feet (say I lose my job)….but they don’t really want to do that, neither do I want to lean on anyone.
At least I know I have that support (not guaranteed)…but for those without such a family, they are helpless.
I wrote a nice long reply to the points you mentioned and the post disappeared when i hit submit…tried going back (sometimes Chrome saves it) but the msg was deleted….I’ll try again another time.
You’d think they’d figure out a way to save your texts so things like this don’t happen, but here we are.
Suffice to say, I agree with everything you said…my life was similar.
My dad was the main villain in making my mom stay in the lower income level by leaving her to look after the kids while he went off and got remarried and had a kid.
He did the minimum to help out me and my sisters…but he should’ve and could’ve done far more when we were younger.
They should have an autosave feature which saves your texts in case they don’t get posted the first time…so you can make corrections and try again.
This is why I usually post several shorter comments than 1 long one. It happens all the time.
Makes sense…I’m also going to try to save the text as I go from now on.
2/2 (oops I used the word prtnr.)
But not to get off track…to answer the OP. I came from the mindset of finding “The One” and never to settle….which was obviously a mistake. I let my good fortune get to my head. Like Cinderella, I didn’t realize I was on borrowed time and the gift I got was going to fade away.
Actually it was more that I was torn away from my ‘fun life’…and forced into finishing my degree, finding work, paying bills, looking after family. I didn’t even have time to think about myself.
Over time, I gained some weight, lost some hair…I just became more average looking, while barely capitalizing on what I had, which was really a downer.
At the time I thought I’d be better off alone than to be with someone mediocre, because I had a taste of the ‘good life’…in terms of being with pretty girls…so I could never settle for less.
But as time went on and my friends got hooked up, I realized I should’ve snagged someone. But that 20 yr old mindset hasn’t left me and now in my early 50s…I’m hoping to make up for what I lost.
Oh I did date a couple of average girls and I realized it was a mistake…they knew too that we weren’t a good fit and were kind enough to let me go. So like it or not I think it was always my fate to either end up with a hottie or nothing at all.
I still have some good ideas and plans to make a better life for myself. I’m in the process of finding a new place to move and then I will work on my very lucrative ‘side-hustle’….I’m pretty confident I will succeed.
If my plans work out as hoped…my reputation will go through the roof, and I’ll be at the place I dreamed about my whole life…but I don’t want to get ahead of myself…but I think this will be my turnaround year, barring anything bad happening. The next few months will be tough for me.
Should I succeed, then I have little doubt I’ll find a great parttner and I’m just not one to settle for less…so it’ll still be all or nothing for me.
If I make it, then the rest of my life should be great…but if continue to just coast along as I am presently, then it’s adios muchachos by my early 60s.
I’ve also had enough…I suffered way too much, physically, mentally, emotionally and I want off this terrible ride soon. A lot hinges on what I do this year, once I’ve moved out of the crappy place I’m in presently.
Moving alone will do a huge amount of good, but then I want to take it to the next level (financially). Sorry for the long post.
Well, unlike you, as a female, I am not looking for a “hot guy” but someone who is emotionally stable, financially stable, and is there for me through good and bad. That’s all. But apparently that is hard to find -_-
Ya I couldn’t begin to imagine how hard it’d be for any woman to find a man like that. I also wonder if the ‘good ones’ are taken by their 30s and 40s.
I think it’s harder for women to find quality men than vice versa. Ofc if they’re pretty they’ll have an endless supply coming at them…but what do these guys bring to the table…not much in most cases.
Then it’s usually a trade-off for looks, personality, money, etc. For us guys it’s usually pretty easy…she’s cute/hot not a b*tch….we’re good to go. Though nowadays girls need an income too…unless the guy is very well off.
oh they are DEFINITELY taken. the good ones are all taken by late 20s.
well i used to be very pretty up until the last 2 years. and no, it’s not “an endless supply.” not if you’re looking for quality. it’s almost always the shitty guys that chase the pretty girls. the actual “nice guys” are usually too shy to chase girls.
Ya I’m not surprised…and it’s true the ugly/cocky ones have the stones to approach pretty girls.
I think that’s where pretty girls have to get pro-active, if they know they’d be better off with a certain type of guy.
Once you ‘break the ice’ it’s usually easy to communicate for both sides after…but in most cases the ice has always stopped people from being together and they could’ve been good couples.
Ofc it is easy to be the one rejecting someone else and few people want to be rejected…so I think that stops most people from making a move.
ugh, nowadays, the guys are horrible. not only are they NOT wanting to take care of the woman, but expect the woman to take care of THEM- financially. i KNOW of so many guys who don’t work, make their wives work and be the sole breadwinners, and act like complete douchebags.
And I’ve also seen TONS of male profiles online who actually put 100K MINIMUM as the minimum salary for their requirements for a woman, which is insane. AND a masters. Good luck with that. If a woman makes 100K, and has a masters, the WHY in tf would she want just an avg guy? Or worse yet, most of those guys who demand their SOs have such stringent requirements (gorgeous, 100K salary, masters, etc), all have such odious personalities. If you read their profiles, you can definitely see they are awful and you should just click delete or next.
Agreed, there’s a lot of rotten men out there….it’s insane that they expect the woman to be the breadwinner while they chill at home…trust me they’ll be seen as losers by most people.
I am traditional in some ways-in that I feel the man should work and woman stay at home, but not in a patriarchal way…but respectful I see that men/women are equal but have different roles.
However nowadays you can’t have a good life unless there is a dual income and even that isn’t always enough. Ofc the only other option is to be rich.
Ya so many men with vulgar personalities…and you wonder what they are bringing to the table, in most cases very little from what I’ve seen.
Quality people are hard to find these days.