Hey, I haven’t been here in like a while, I keep thinking maybe eventually I will grow and the feeling will go but I have now officially lived 25 years and the feeling remains. It feels hypocritical of me to still be here when I’ve been feeling it for so long.
I was gonna wait a month more (didn’t wanna be the monster who did it so close to their birthday), cleaned up around me, finished some projects at work, chose the notebook and all, many loose ends you know, then now ww3 seems to be right here 😀
I’m in the midst of it all, if shit goes to shit I don’t actually have much I can do, and now all I feel is anxiety? and that feeling is strange because technically I don’t want to live? truthfully the biggest part of the fear isn’t actually dying in a war, it’s living through it? I can barely live and life was roses supposedly (even my work was going great), now im so damn panicked that if shit goes bad I’d Have to live and also suffer way more. I’m not asking for advice necessarily but I also don’t know what to think? how to feel?
this is definitely not asking for advice I’m just ranting because I can’t rant to anyone about this fr, it’s that what I’m scared of the most is that I’d be put in a shit situation where i would live a significantly worse life quality and I wouldn’t be able to access a way to end such misery? my plan has always been to go even when times are peaceful so what if times are dire I definitely would want to go? it’s so complicated, esp where I am it’s not like I’ll for Sure be gone but i Would suffer I dont know how to explain it.
If you read so far Thank you truly. I am paranoid as hell these days and obsessive, and not a single thought is leading me anywhere
I was gonna wait a month more (didn’t wanna be the monster who did it so close to their birthday), cleaned up around me, finished some projects at work, chose the notebook and all, many loose ends you know, then now ww3 seems to be right here 😀
I’m in the midst of it all, if shit goes to shit I don’t actually have much I can do, and now all I feel is anxiety? and that feeling is strange because technically I don’t want to live? truthfully the biggest part of the fear isn’t actually dying in a war, it’s living through it? I can barely live and life was roses supposedly (even my work was going great), now im so damn panicked that if shit goes bad I’d Have to live and also suffer way more. I’m not asking for advice necessarily but I also don’t know what to think? how to feel?
this is definitely not asking for advice I’m just ranting because I can’t rant to anyone about this fr, it’s that what I’m scared of the most is that I’d be put in a shit situation where i would live a significantly worse life quality and I wouldn’t be able to access a way to end such misery? my plan has always been to go even when times are peaceful so what if times are dire I definitely would want to go? it’s so complicated, esp where I am it’s not like I’ll for Sure be gone but i Would suffer I dont know how to explain it.
If you read so far Thank you truly. I am paranoid as hell these days and obsessive, and not a single thought is leading me anywhere
5 comments
It’s as safe a place to rant as I’ve ever found.
If someone else wrote this post, what would you want to say to them.
Sometimes see in my thoughts on a page helps me to distance from them emotionally and see possibilities I would not have seen otherwise.
to be honest, in any other case i could be able to tell someone who’s going through something that things might get better, or that we can look at the events objectively, but even if someone told me that they are feeling what im feeling right now, i cant even come up with anything to calm them down. I’m carrying so much anger and sadness that i’ve carried all my life but now in concentrated doses. It’s like you go through life thinking maybe a purpose of this shithole might reveal itself one day, but then it never does.. no even worse, it shows you that you were right all along and that you should’ve died at 18
You brought up some great points. When WW3 breaks out, life will certainly get worse. I suppose most of us are in denial or just trying not to think about it.
I always figured I’d either get cooked in the initial attack (I’m right in the prime target zone), or if I survived I’d just kick into survival mode like in some dumb movie. But if we think soberly about what’ll happen, especially for those of us who don’t have much to live for anyway, it’s like the suicide clock just sped up.
very much so, i have been losing it even more so recently and I don’t understand how people are not losing it as much as I am. the problem is I am a huge coward, I am so scared of things that can go wrong when I would try to kill myself you know? I laughed at the survival mode comment but I also agree. I’m scared if shit hit the fan that I wouldn’t be able to get out, even not being able to kms, then I’d have to “survive”, fuck no Idk
lol not even a hint of survival mode then? Like when the pandemic hit, how did you react to that initially? My first reaction was almost like a burst of adrenaline, like “sure life sucks worse than ever but at least something interesting is happening.” So i didn’t think about suicide for a while. But as things dragged on and life got normalized to a new low, yeah that’s when suicide came back. I guess you won’t find too many unlikely heroes here. Movies are dumb.