am i six years and two months past my expiration date?
ive contemplated the above question thousands of times over these past six years, never really found an answer, or maybe the answer was dependent on my mood at that instant. still, pretty inconclusive.
i wonder if i can continue running for much longer now. my knees hurt, i’m out of breath, my vision’s becoming blurry.
it is quite funny, if i’m being honest. i had convinced every iota of my existence that no matter what happened, i could always just run away from things and escape them, all by myself. i guess i wasn’t thinking about getting tired, exhausted to the point where i feel nothing. well i do feel things- i still love my parents, my family, my friends, but i feel nothing when it comes to myself. and as time has passed, i’m afraid i’ve reached the point where i’m running out of parts of myself to hold on to. i’m being held at gunpoint and i don’t even want to move because there is nothing to move, i don’t feel myself.
it has been a long time since i’ve created all these imaginary scenarios as to what would happen once i’m gone. how would my friends be? would i be responsible for sending anyone else over the edge? would my parents be called out for not being there for me? would all these years of their love and parenting be questioned? would my sister be able to survive on her own? would anyone bring yellow sunflowers to my funeral?
i really wish there was a way for me to know the answers to these. sometimes i wish being a ghost was real- at least, that way i could try finding answers to all these. i could see my family slowly moving on from my absence. i could see my friends getting drunk on my birthday instead of mourning, as a few years go by. maybe i could even see my sister getting married and having a family of her own.
yeah i really wish i turn into one of those cute little flying ghosts just to look over the people i love. because as of now, the longer i stay, the more harmful it is for my own self since i am six years and two months past my expiration date.