15andfuckedup

In the morning I wake up feeling down and just too bad. But I just lock this stupid feeling because if I don’t then I am not able to get up from my bed. Then the day goes on, and I get up brush my teeth, take a shower, maybe a breakfast, and then basically keep doing something or the other the entire day. The day passes just like that– me forcing myself to do things that a 15 y/o is supposed to do. The sun sets down. The night comes in on little cat feet. (that’s a metaphor i recently learnt). And I’m left with myself because everyone else is sleeping because apparently they’re normal. And that feeling that I had locked inside myself in the morning, gets unlocked and everything bad comes to my notice, more clearly, more closely than the day. I personally am not a big fan of late nights but I can’t fall asleep before like 5 am or something. And the night starts, it’s so weird to think about this but like overthinking just sucks. It fucking sucks. But I can’t help it, the more I try not to think about overthinking, the more I overthink. At night, I feel like I can see parts of my mind, like memories and feelings and stuff (not frickin pituitary gland or medulla), flying in the air around me. I come across every bad thing, every bad thing that has ever happened to me. Like every fucking night, it’s so repetitive that now I think it’s just like school where you basically do the same things everyday and new things add up to your list. I would just lay there in my bed and stare at the ceiling and look at these thoughts, feelings and memories float around me. Some are even written on the ceiling, like maybe a picture of what happened or maybe in words. And then there’s these pictures of younger me, hanging on the wall. I look at them and feel bad, just bad for that 2 or 3, idk, year old girl. Then there’s like a shit ton of trophies that I earned or whatever, that constantly make me feel even shittier, they are just in that shelf, peeking out, mocking me. It’s all bad. Even when I close my eyes to avoid seeing all this, they remain open, like it doesn’t matter if my eyes are shut close or open. My brain just makes me see stuff. So yeah, nights are really dark.

I’m a fucking let down. I disappoint everyone including myself. I know some of you think that I should try to be a better person instead of whining. But I can’t. I’ve tried working hard these couple of days, I did everything that could possibly improve my thinking. I talked to an old friend (altho she talked to me first but eh). I focused on my studies more than ever. I read books. I spent time with my family, playing games and stuff. I made a new friend. I tried eating more. I told myself gazillion times a day that everything will be alright and that I got this. I even tried pushing away the thought of dying. I shouted at that thing inside my head.

Now, why don’t I just continue doing all of this so that eventually I’ll get better? I wish I would’ve been saying “this whole trying to improve thing has more or less helped me” instead of ” this fricking thing didn’t do shit”. But I can’t really lie to myself about this.

I never took a moment to think whether I was improving or not. Because I was too scared that if I checked on myself then I would start doubting myself and the whole hard work would come crashing down. But now that I’ve realised that my effort didn’t do shit, I can analyse that I didn’t improve, nothing fucking changed. These past few days, I had been trying to get out of the spiral, to climb up and get out of it. But there’s no point

Is change good or bad?

Its so bad. I want human contact. I want a shoulder to cry on. I want to cry and no matter how much I cry, that person should not leave. I need someone desperately to talk to. I want to let my heart out and just tell that someone everything about me, and they should not leave me even after that. They should love me for whoever I am, selfish, rude, liar, ugly, pathetic. I really long for human contact and touch, like not being physical but they can just hug me and let me cry as much as I want to.

These thoughts, they just get buried within us, with time. They dig their own grave. But they’re not dead, they’re just chilling inside the coffin aka our mind. And the more we try to fight them, the weaker we become. I used to believe that these dark feelings get powerful with time but no, it’s us who become weaker. Because let’s face it, as we fight with these thoughts, the mind turns into a battlefield. And amid this ongoing war, we lose control because the thing at stake is, control, it’s the kingdom that the thoughts wanna take over. So we turn full war-ready, forgetting the fact that it doesn’t matter who wins this battle, because in the end, it’s our mind who has to witness and carry dozens of dead corpses called feelings. It’s our mind who was innocent but now has become pure evil.

Okay, so we’ve lost the war and with that, we’ve lost control too. Keep it up, fellas.

Life sucks and then you die.

Shit hurts and then you die.

Earn bucks and then you die.

Give fucks and then you die.

Mouth shuts and then you die.

Utter words and then you die.

Thoughts burst and then you die.

Face perverts and then you die.

Nights occur and then you die.

Heart rests and then you die.

Just kill yourselves and then you’ll die.

Its like you feel alright but then something small just like a snap happens and then all your mind can think about is everything bad that has ever happened that is happening or that is gonna happen in the future. It fucking sucks. Its like you fall again and again in the spiral. Its like at the end of the day you are deep inside the spiral and then the next day you climb it all back working hard the whole day doing things to make things close to normal but then at some point as soon as you see the ray of light your leg slips and you fall back inside deep inside the spiral. And then again you wake up the next day and everything repeats itself. And the effort put into climbing back to the top just gets wasted because you know that at the end of the day, you’re gonna fall deep down again. And right now, you have the energy and your mind has the strength to try to climb back to the top but if you keep climbing and falling everyday like this then one day you will just accept that you can never come out of the spiral and that day you’ll stop climbing back because that day you’ll understand that there’s no point climbing back because what would even happen if by any chance you got out of the spiral, nothing. So that day you’ll face the loser in you. You’ll see that all the time and effort you put into this is wasted. Nothing mattered neither your love for maths nor your love for your family. Nothing mattered because you’ll realize that all this time when you were trying and trying, you forgot one thing– that you built the spiral in a way that it’s inevitable it’s indestructible it won’t destroy itself because it knows what happens when someone destroys themselves, it knows this because it has seen you destroying yourselves by your own hands, thoughts, actions. The spiral knows that if it has to be alive then it has to love itself and not you. Because if it starts loving you then you’ll gain back the power to destroy it, just like you had the power to built it, right in the middle of your head. So good work building up the strongest part of you all by yourself, credit goes to you.

I can’t afford this rn. Its just not right. I have to do what I have to do. I shouldn’t do what I am doing. I have to be alright. I can’t go back into this. It’s been almost 10 days so now I can’t slide back into that again. I have to stay outside. I must stay outside of it. I can’t let it control me again. I can’t afford to have my head messed up again. I can’t spend hours wishing for nothingness. I can’t afford this at this point. I need to work hard. I have to keep pushing myself. Doesn’t matter if I get exhausted but I have to keep pushing myself. I must not fall back into the spiral. I never came out of it but I was having a nice dream about normality, happiness and life. And now I don’t want that dream to end. I may not like it but I still want to be in that dream forever. Please, don’t send me back into reality. Pls. I can’t. Pls. Just pls.

Not so dear P,
You wanna help me? Huh? You wanna fucking help me? Then stop whispering from that little shadowy corner of my head. Just have some balls and take control over me. Stop giving me those minute rays of hope like they’re helping me. They fucking suck. Your little hopefulness just messes up my mind even more. Just don’t speak if you don’t have any voice. If you really wanna help me then take control over me, fully. Kill your rival– negativity. What? You think this is too hard? Ok then I am a genius so I have a solution for that too. So if you can’t fight that ***** negativity then just leave my fucking mind. Because you being inside my head only messes up my thinking. I can’t deal with negative thoughts if you just keep whispering like a little *****, telling me that you can help me, fuck you. How the fuck would you help me, huh? You need to help yourselves first. Because I don’t want to take the blame for your murder too (ive already committed a murder). Just like Flynn from that movie– all the bright places. He tried to help the girl (i don’t remember her name) but forgot to help himself first and then when he realized this then he couldn’t bear it. So yeah, if you think that you can help me then please go help yourself first, I repeat, there are two ways you can do that. Actually no there are three– a. you can kill your rival (don’t fight with it, there’s no chance you’d win) and then take control over me, btw i know this wouldn’t be easy for you because you won’t be able to deal with the guilt of murdering someone (even if it’s negativity). b. you can simply get the fuck out of my head (trust me, this is the easiest among all). And c. you can stay here and watch me (and yourself) die slowly and don’t say I didn’t warn ya before, this third option can be a little painful. So now it’s time that you choose among the three ASAP. Or else I would eliminate the first option and if you don’t choose even after that, then I would remove the second option (i.e. I would lock you in that little corner where you already are, and we can both choose the third option and die slowly, together).
So listen to me you mfing positivity/hope/ray of light or whatever is your name, you force me to listen to you every once in a while but now it’s time that you listen to me and choose your future.
Oh wait one more thing, when i said the easiest way was that you get the fuck outta my house, I forgot to mention that it was the easiest way for you. But you wanna know what’s the easiest way for me? Well it’s pretty simple. You can just choose not to help me. And if you do this, then I am telling you it would be really good for me as my mind would get cleared up without your removal or death. If this happens, then you can just sit and play in that little corner and no one would bother you. Just don’t make too much of a noise while playing. Who knows if negativity murders you for your annoying nature. And if you follow the rules and keep your mouth shut then my mind would start thinking again, as there would be just an eternity of negativity. And that’s actually cool. I mean my mind would remain calm under the rule of negative thoughts. If not calm, then atleast things would be sorted. I would know what I think because there’s just one thing to think– death.
Well, death is the ultimate level of negativity. So like it’d be the goal.

And the nothingness stops.

I need to stop feeling I need to stop living I need to stop breathing I need to stop existing I need to stop crying i need to stop everything just stop my heart from beating I can’t take this anymore the pressure to live increases it’s unbearable I need to die and I want to die I sound pathetic and I still wonder how the website’s owner has not kicked me out yet It’s not alright It won’t be alright I’ve bought your “everything gets better” lies so many times that I have no money left It does not improve Shit just keeps worsening I am a fucking let down I am not afraid to die anymore I am not afraid to die a n y m o r e

Rest in chaos and if you really want to help me then pray (to yourselves because there’s no god) that I die sooner than later Pray that I never come back on this genuine site Pray that you never have to read all my stupid thoughts Pray that I go to hell

I feel nothing. Hope this nothingness lasts forever.

I need a break. Or else give me the courage to kill myself. I repeat the courage, not just these thoughts about killing myself or the ability to come up with a plan for suicide, I need the courage to execute that plan without any loose ends. And if it can be obtained from somewhere, then do tell me.

I feel tired and exhausted all the time… My body aches badly… I feel like I’m moving slowly, time is moving slowly… I try to daydream most of the time… But sometimes I think I am normal like last evening when I was studying math (yeah, maths and I get very engaged whenever we meet)… Sometimes my mind runs faster than it should… Like I feel like everything is moving very fast… Like I have a genius mind who can solve everything and I am like the most happy and excited version of myself (although this happens rarely)… Sometimes I look at my childhood pictures and cry because I removed everything good from that little girl and feel bad for her… Sometimes I feel that I’m betraying my parents by pretending to study and by not shouting at them about how I tried to seek help but didn’t get any from them… I’m tired of faking to be happy all day when I am not… Because if I stop faking then my mom thinks that I’m hiding things from her again… And then I have to work hard to bring up a thousand lies to prove to her that I’m alright… So, to reduce this hard work, I act happy… I’ve gotten used to faking it so much that now I think it’s just another tiring chore that I can’t not do… This is the part about opening up to my parents that I feared… Now, my mom doesn’t trust me, like at all… But that is just another fucked up thing that I’m very unwilling to fix…
My mind is filled with millions of thoughts all the time and I can’t control them… It’s like one moment I’m thinking about suicide and the next I’m thinking about playing my piano… It’s just confusing and bad… I get lost in the thoughts… They’re overwhelming…

I don’t want to feel like this. I want the old me back. I don’t miss her but the people around me would love to see her. She was better in everything than me. Just bring her back to life and kill me. She deserves to live. I deserve to die. It’s that simple. Everything would get fixed once she comes back.

A man is never completely alone in this world. At the worst, he has the company of a boy, a youth, and by and by a grown man – the one he used to be.

~Cesare Pavese

Ik you’re trying but you gon’ve to try harder. Just keep going and one day you’ll be there. Stop thinking about the past. Forget it and move ahead. Once you reach there, you can reminisce about the past as much as you want. Just have patience and faith in yourself and you’re gonna get through this, alone and alive. You are brave and I love you. And I trust you.

Me at 3:00 am talking in the mirror, with wet eyes. After saying all this to myself, the first thing that is coming to my mind is a picture of my dead body. It’s a picture I’ve visualized so many times but this time it’s different… This time no one is near that dead body, it just lies all alone, just there, just like that. It’s good to not see my family crying over it but it’s sad to see that it’s there all alone, waiting to be burnt to ashes (burying the dead is not done here, instead the body is just burnt to ashes), still lacking the peace that it should’ve gotten immediately. Near that body, I can see my favorite Agatha Christie book and that’s it. So like the book is accompanying the body but like it’s still alone. Just like I’m here all alone using my marvelous psychic power (idk if that exists) and witnessing my dead body, inside my overly exhausted and fucked up head.

PS my chemistry teacher died earlier today. That kinda sucks but whatever. Everyone is dying but me.