They kinda haven’t been for a while, but it’s become more apparent to me lately. All they are is just anticipation for the next work week. I can go to the card shop all day, go to the movies, play video games, etc. , but it just doesn’t feel like anything when I know I’m just going to go back to a job I hate in the next few days. If anyone has seen smiling friends before, it’s like that Desmond speech from the pilot:
“That’s exactly it. Are the best parts of life really just finding momentary distractions to keep yourself busy so you don’t think about the harsh realities of life for a second? I can ride roller coasters, meet new friends, and spend time with my family all day long. It doesn’t change the fact that the sun is just going to explode, and all this was for nothing.”
Purpose is the only thing that makes the sun exploding worth it. My purpose I chose was to be a robotics researcher. It’s just a shame I’m no good at it. Another reason why I think I hate God is he gave me this unending desire and confusion about purpose but made me incapable of ever achieving it. I’m guess I’m just blaming him for my own laziness or stupidity or whatever, but I can’t help the part of me that seeks this purpose. That was entirely on him. Whatever God is, I’ll never understand it. Kinda hate how often I think about that thing lately. As far as I’m concerned God is a thing or it.
Back to the days off aren’t fun anymore. It feels like they should be what coming up for air feels like after holding your breath under water for so long. But they don’t even feel like that anymore. They feel like you get to flail around at surface briefly, choking for what little air you can before being dragged down under again. And it’s only going to get worse and worse as time goes on. Becoming complacent with this mind numbing cycle. I have an interview in an hour. I don’t expect it to go any better than the dozen plus other interviews I’ve had.