Soon almost 5 years ago, when i was 16, I “ran away” from a youth and child psych ward. I wasnt even there because of an placement order or something like that. Although something like that threatened to happen back then but it didnt. I was in such psych wards constantly. Sometimes the Police escorted me, sometimes people i used to meet and do drugs with, sometimes my progenitor.
I didnt like being there and when having a 15 minutes’ leave to smoke a cigarette i just decided to not come back stay longer then im allowed to talk to people about my age also patients from a diffrent unit.
I hear theres a rave in a diffrent city thats not all too far away. An event where people definetly plan to get really intoxicated and enjoy dancing making out and what not.
I wanna go there. Ati first theyre reluctant. I tell em i have 200 bucks with me. They want me with them. I had those 200 bucks left from savings out of my piggy bank from birthdays or traditional holidays. I was wasting all that money on a whole lot of substances back then. At some point i had the idea of buying so much amphetamine paste i could overdose on it thinkinh id atleast have happyness and fun before dieing. That was the reason i was admitted into the psych ward too, i was there voluntarily. I always where there voluntarily it made it easier to get out, just wait a day and ask to leave and mention you are there voluntarily.
So in the other city never really reaching the rave, cops busted it, but meeting alot of people doing drugs and partying all around places i got intoxicated.
I drank alcohol, smoked weed probbably synthetical, snorted alot of paste, swallowed crystals in a cigarette pape, took 4 pills formed like logos of bougie brands.
I took a lethal dosage of multiple substances in a timeline of an Night.
I just kinda loose my mind keep crying abt wanting to die steal a knife and cut myself etc.
Ppl i were with decided to call an ambulance on me.
they bring me into an Intensive Care Unit for Children.
I begin to have seizures. They inject Benzodiazine ibto me to stop that.
I almost died there but they saved my life.
The same year same Age back then. i was in a youth wellfare office paid lifing facility that also promotes a drugrehab. Sneak out with an Flatmate i told i just wanna get really drunk. She tells me shes abt to go outside at night unallowed to meet her violent partner and his friends also doing drugs. I come with them The partner is an absolute uncomgortable agressive person. I get so drunk on striaght vodka i actually get a blackout. I wake up in an intensive care unit in the morning in an university hospital. they tell me i had an alcohol poisining and went to sleep because of it but almost froze to death it was in the winter.
my flatmate explained to me details of what happend i just forgot about at one point.
I almost died there but they saved my life.
Today im almost 21. I am Queer. I am Trans and Non-binary. I take hormones to feminise my body’s anatomy. I am clean, i even stopped smoking cigarettes. I started to cut myself occasionally again but i stopped doing that for atleast a year. I was in a housing facility and a drug rehab and it was deeply traumatising the people i have talked to about my past made me feel its my fault. I was Online in harmfull niche spaces and where i for example sometimes got asked to commit suicide or got asked by people in the past to share naked pictures of me which i did event tho often not feeling comfortable with it. Sometimes i think about dismembering my body. i still think about killing myself almost daily. i sometimes wish i wouldve died back then. I believe to have (had) a sexual developement disorder and dont understand everything i have done or behaviours i have shown even at a young age. I have nightmares from images and videos i have seen online. i feel like its my fault i deserve to die and i keep feeling soiled and dirty. I feels like i deserve to die. I keep having nightmares abt the traumas that where inflicted on me. I suffered Abuse from almost all the pople in my life i grew up with. I suffered Abuse from both my parents, i suffered abuse from my “Mother” who raised me my entire life. I dont remember clearly but i think i suffered abuse from the Partners of my “mother” when i was a child. i suffered sexual abuse as a child but dont remember everything clearly. I suffered abuse from my half-sister i grew up with that i dont want to be in contact with but she keeps contacting. I genuinly always feel powerless and helpless. I keep thinking i am unhuman i am filth or an abomonation. I keep having unrealisitc delusions. i keep feeling in danger watched or threatend in situations in which i am not in danger.
Who knows if ill keep surviving.
If not i atleast wanted to have expressed a portion of me and my story and see what some might have say to it.
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