I lament that I am single and lonely, unable to find the right guy for me (back when I was looking, back when I wasn’t disabled).
All my peers from university are doing real well financially and relationship-wise. So obviously I feel I’m behind them in this “game of life.” Which I am.
But then I come across these posts on fb/online where ppl post about their relationships, asking questions, asking advice etc – and it might be due to “availability bias” as ppl in good functioning relationships don’t post stuff online but still- I see TONS off ppl in FUCKED up relationships in these posts. As in they need to run for the hills types.
Ex- this girl just posted how she’d just come under some inheritance (her father recently died) and the bf “needed” 12k for a new engine to fix his truck. But 2mo later the truck broke down and “needed” a new whatever part. He then convinced her to buy a BRAND NEW Tesla- which she didn’t want to do but he guilted her into getting. And no, idiot got the car titled in both their names not just hers, meaning she can’t just take it back. Their relationship isn’t doing so well now apparently.
Anyhow, she’s DISABLED and has NO money except for this little bit of inheritance. She didn’t say how much her total inheritance was, but the cheapest new Tesla is 37K, plus 12k for the new engine is already 49k, plus taxes.
How is she so stupid to squander what little money she has? Especially being disabled, she can’t work. And has many DECADES left before dying?
The guy is obviously using her. As soon as he squeezes all the inheritance money from her, he won’t stick around.
And it’s so sus that the $12k put into the new engine but the truck “stopped working” just 2mo later?
Anyway, my point isn’t about this specific girl and this specific post. In the past 24 hours I joined a new fb group and I read a bunch of posts from a bunch of people.
A LOT of ppl are in fucked up relationships where one is using, gaslighting, or cheating on the other.
I wonder what percentage of people are in fucked up relationships? Statistically, it probably ranges from 25% to 50% of those in relationships.
While single ppl are 100% lonely. Like me.
But anyhow, after reading all these posts about all these fucked up relationships, and these ppl seem either CLUELESS that their partners are users/manipulators/cheaters/narcissists/etc- or KNOW they are cheaters but won’t leave them- after reading all those posts, I guess it takes the sting off of being alone and lonely a bit.
These ppl in those posts all need to run for the hills and ditch their shitty partners. But I know half of them won’t.
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Anyhow, all us single folks- at least we’re not in shitty relationships O_o
Still sucks to be single and alone. -_-
But better to be single than in a fucked up relationship.
7 comments
Single can certainly be lonely…..leave you wanting and desiring….but it can be simpler too. Being in a relationship requires trust and giving benefit of doubt…..the more people I come to know, the fewer I realize should be afforded those…..saddens me greatly
Yep people see others as a means to an end or an end in themselves. The key is to know which is which and what type of r/s you’re in.
Everyone tries to project the image of a happy, perfect life. I’ve always seen that as really fake. Not to mention social media is responsible for creating more misery for people. It’s wiser to keep a low key personal life and it avoids conflicts.
Indeed, it is absolutely better to be single than in a terrible, exploitative r/s like the one you described. He is basically bankrupting her and she can’t see it.
This is the sad thing about “love”…some people are looking for their “happily ever after” and others just view them as fools and see what they can get out of them.
Back in high school I knew this very beautiful girl who got involved with this guy who’d bully her and she had a kid with him. I could see that the abuse would only get worse and I tried to convince her to leave him.
One of the saddest things I’ve seen to see someone so pretty reduced to tears and suffering all the time because of the evil monster she allowed into her life.
She was going to a more ‘reputable’ school, so I think she was from a mid to upper class family so I think she was ok financially.
If she was single and interested in me I might’ve pursued it, but the kid was a deal-breaker…I was too young to help someone out in that situation.
Ya so you’re right Eternal, a lot of people are in bad or unhappy relationships. No doubt there are some good ones too…but I think most people are faking it.
I just regret not taking full advantage of the many chances I had in hs and univ…once you head into the workforce, good opportunities vanish and clubbing generally sucks for meeting quality people.
I waited too long for the right person to come along…and I realized I should’ve just gone with what I had…bird in the hand as they say.
That’s what most people end up doing anyways-settling…it’s like musical chairs, whoever is left standing when the music stops, is out of the game.
I am glad I didn’t have kids at least…that would’ve been a headache on it’s own…to have those attachments, for life basically.
Still it is good to have a “soulmate”…someone to share your ups/downs with-assuming you can find someone compatible.
Once I get some stability in my life, that’ll be my next goal. I wish I played my cards better in my 20s-40s, but all we can do is live in the present and try to do better.
“Indeed, it is absolutely better to be single than in a terrible, exploitative r/s like the one you described. He is basically bankrupting her and she can’t see it.”
—that’s the thing, ALL the ones being exploited can’t see it. and if ppl try to tell them, they refuse to listen. i know ppl like that IRL. even when ALL their friends tell them to NOT go out with the guy or to NOT marry that POS, they do it anyway.
“This is the sad thing about “love”…some people are looking for their “happily ever after” and others just view them as fools and see what they can get out of them.”
—and that’s the problem with life. it’s never 1 bad person gets with another bad person (unless they’re a rich asshole couple and they’re both evil). for the masses, usually it’s a very sweet person who gets used and abused and controlled by a shitty selfish evil person.
—and they hide their evil so well and are so good at manipulating
—i’ve had several ppl tried to do that to me- both males and females. with females, they pretend to be your “good friend” while they’re anything but.
[—that’s the thing, ALL the ones being exploited can’t see it. and if ppl try to tell them, they refuse to listen. i know ppl like that IRL. even when ALL their friends tell them to NOT go out with the guy or to NOT marry that POS, they do it anyway.]
Human nature…my close sister really now regrets the guy she married and has kids with and said she wishes someone told her not to.
I reminded her in detail how both my dad and I warned her not to marry him…he was arrogant, selfish, petty and had other bad qualities. He’s not bad looking buy my sister is pretty and could’ve gotten someone way more attractive.
But he had money-a good company at the time, so the allure of the easy life, traveling sucked her in. She ended up finding out the hard way…he was never really there for her in her bad times and had to do most of the work in the house.
Still she could’ve done worse and could’ve ended up alone so despite his faults, he’s a decent father, never abused her and so on balance, it was better than nothing.
But it’s true as you said, people in these situations don’t listen-because of their emotions “love is blind.” Some get off easy and others end up having a terrible life.
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[—and that’s the problem with life. usually it’s a very sweet person who gets used and abused and controlled by a shitty selfish evil person.
—and they hide their evil so well and are so good at manipulating]
Indeed-the bad people learn how to play nice until they have trapped their victim and then they let their evil side out.
Kids are never socialized not just to be good people, but also how to recognizes clues for what makes a person bad/evil to avoid them.
And ofc they don’t listen when they’re given good advice, but life gets them in the end.
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[—i’ve had several ppl tried to do that to me- both males and females. with females, they pretend to be your “good friend” while they’re anything but.]
Ya ditto…I continued to be friends with some guys I should’ve just dropped ages ago…because they were never true friends to me to begin with, they were users.
It can be tough because I prefer to build lasting relationships and to make best friends rather than casual ones. So when you mistakenly thought you could work through your disagreements but the person takes off, it can be frustrating, because of the time you put into that relationship.
I lost a friend a few years ago over a dumb argument, and we were friends for years from my previous job where we met. But then I realized he never really cared for my friendship until I started a business and he thought he could get rich with my help…but once the business failed, then he lost interest.
Nobody’s perfect and we have to overlook people’s flaws just to have some friends in our lives. While I’ve got my issues with my close friends, for the most part they have been there for me over the past couple of decades.
And ofc as you get older it’s harder to make new friends. Few people care to have you in their circle since everyone has a stable life by then.
Yeah, that’s the thing- when you’re in you’re 30s, 40s, 50s- people in that age group have their set of close friends and they don’t care to have any more. Maybe casual friends, but they don’t want to invest time and energy into someone new.
And if you’re that person who DOESN’T already have your group of LT friends, then you’re SOL. Like me. I had my friends in university but I had moved away for work. And once I moved, we grew apart.
And making new friends is hard af. I mean I made friends, but really CLOSE friendships were hard and I did make some, but then for various reasons, those ended too.
I can’t get over the barrier of ppl having their set close circle of friends and not wanting more. And this was before I became sick and disabled. Now I don’t even try bc I don’t see the use. No one wants to be friends with someone who is poor or sick. That’s a lesson I’ve learned in life and about human nature.
And so here I am, on SP. still alone and lonely.
I truly feel for you…and you are spot on. I’ve had the same experience. I’ve worked for different companies over the years, got to make some friendships…but for the most part, they’ve only been “office friends”…they never care to be friends outside work.
Or it’d just be a group dinner or event and you wouldn’t go beyond that. So I think I really lucked out with the goofballs I got to know in university who then became my lifelong friends.
Like your case, my best friends from HS moved to other cities and we just lost touch. Those were actually some of my best relationships.
But I learned early on in school to have a large group of friends because over time you’re going to lose most of them…and whoever is left will be there for you in the future.
I’m able-bodied and can be charming/funny when I need to be. I’ve always been open to adding a few more friends in case I lose the ones I have…but ofc it’s the same issue, most people really don’t care because they have who they want in their life already.
I think they’re setting themselves up for failure-because if you have no backup group and you lose your main friends-then you can end up alone.
My friends and I have stayed together because we respect each other’s limits and on an individual basis, they admitted they don’t have anyone else, outside of our group…so I think it works well for us.
But I’ve seen in life anything can happen…people still move for jobs or relationships and the “friends forever” notion falls apart.
Sadly like you said, people don’t want to be around poor and sick people. Even when you’re healthy and self-sufficient/working, they’re hesitant or really don’t care to expand their network.
It’s also back to us being in a selfish age…if you’re rich/very attractive, then you have something they want and will try to get to know you better.
If I’m able to free myself financially, then it’ll give me the time and freedom to make new relationships…in the ‘romantic’ sense…I’m not really going to bother to make new platonic friends…but if it happens, then I’m fine with it.
Usually I find it’s best to meet people through shared hobbies…if you do it long enough, say like badminton, chess or some other interest, then they get familiar with you and want to get to know you better, but it’s still a longshot.
Been there, done that, tried it. Doesn’t work. Shared hobbies mean nothing. These ppl have their set friends and only want news “friends” to share their hobbies bc their friends aren’t into it. They don’t want to make any real friends.
And this was the roadblock I ran into back before I became disabled. Like before, no one could tell. And even then, making real, close, friends when you’re over 30 is near impossible