been crying so long i feel like i’m about to throw up… so may as well see if writing something about it helps.
i don’t know what to do. i don’t enjoy anything anymore. i do things but it’s really just to kill time until it’s time to go to sleep again. it’s been like this for as long as i can remember. maybe i’m not meant to enjoy life.
i should probably just kill myself and save everyone else the trouble of supporting my stupid ass… but i keep thinking about my parents, and how sad they would be if their only daughter committed suicide. they would blame themselves and it’s not their fault, i’m just sick. i guess i could leave a note but they wouldn’t believe me.
i just want somebody to say they understand… not that “it will get better,” not that “if you kill yourself you’ll be hurting everyone who loves you,” just “i know how you feel.” just so i don’t feel like i’m being lazy and stupid on purpose. i am trying to be a real person but it just doesn’t work. there’s nothing i like aside from sleeping and my depression meds give me insomnia so i can’t do that all the time. yeah, i’m on meds… guess they’re not doing that much good, huh?
i want to enjoy life again. i want to have fun doing something other than smoking weed. weed helped for awhile but i’m building up a tolerance now. gonna try to be clean for a few days to see if that helps. i did take 2mg of melatonin and i feel sleepier than usual so there’s something for everyone with medication-induced insomnia. at least i did someone some good today.
i just don’t know if i can be happy anymore.
6 comments
Take deep breaths.
Your parents would be sad.
I understand you and the feelings you are having.
Ask to switch your meds to find a combination that works for you… I take 4 meds and still don’t have exactly the right combo.
There is a possibility to be happy again. Maybe checking yourself into a hospital would help. They can fix meds faster since they can observe you to make sure they aren’t making you worse, they provide group and individual therapy and they introduce you to a lot of people having similar feelings to you. It might seem like an extreme but it could really help.
I feel exactly like you do. You’re not alone
Oh, how many times have I sat in self-loathing feeling like everything was my own fault, and that I was nothing more than a lazy bastard who didn’t deserve anything in this world. But you’re not lazy. You’re just hurting.
Youre probably really exhausted
Sounds like your alive on the outside but dead on the inside. Me too. People don’t understand how hard it is to commit suicide. The fear of hurting loved ones is a very real thing. I know how you feel.
Weed is a depressant.
If you smoke it for a while it builds up in our system and creates depressive symptoms.
Good luck!