HEllo all,
When you have decided to leave this world, how beautifull every thing looks, how good every one around you seems, but its that i dont fit in here … I wish i did …
For some reason, the person who matters to me the most keep making me feel i am nothing to them, thats why I try to keep myself isolated, but an angel came into my life, turned my life upside down, life was like a music. First I did not want to trust her too, because I was scared, Scared that she would leave me too, but then I asked myself, If i cant trust this angel, can I trust any one else? She was so gorgeous, not by looks, I mean by her heart. We were such a good friends, she was the whole world to me, we shared every thing that happened in our life. It was all through phone, We became such good friend through phone, even though we were 1000s of miles apart, i felt i had some one with me always. We knew each other even before, when we were near we were some one to each other, but when we were far, we becaome best friends.:) Just when I felt I was the luckiest guy in this world, It all came down in moments of flash, all of sudden she started avoiding me and stopped talking to me giving a small missunderstanding as a reason for her to stop talking with me. Its been 1.5 years now, I have been waiting, waiting & waiting for her to come back. But now I have lost the hope that she would. I dont know what changed her so much, from extream love she has started to hate me the most in this world. I am not able to carry on further, not knowing what she is doing, what she is thinking, and not able to share anything with her … 🙁 What hurts me more is to picture this angel being so harsh with me, I cant believe angels can be harsh, and not my angel, I dont want to believe. I hope she still cares for me inside her heart.
Its not just about her that drives me to end my life, but its that if she could also hurt me, who else can be without hurting me? because she cared for me so much, she said she would never leave me, I am just scared what would happen if I live for more days, how much more wounds, how many more tearful days, how many more disappointment. I dont want to … yes i am a cowerd, but cant help it … it hurts a lot … continues rejection has driven me to this day …
Now., all I am worried are about the people who depend on me, my parents, I am not sure how they are going to manage once I leave them, all I can say to them is Sorry, hope they would understand me.
Good bye every one ………… going to discover, who is God, what happens in the dark, is there ghosts and so many more undiscovered answers 😛
Going to the brink of eternity from which nothing can vanish—no hope, no happiness, no vision of a face seen through tears.
PS: I have got rat posion, hope it works 😛 but i wish this could look like an accident, any one got any last minute tip for commiting sucide such that it looks like a accident?
6 comments
Advice on how to kill yourself I don’t have mate…but I do have some words for you…I’m just a bloke in a box to you I know and whether this helps is entirely up to you but…I had the girl of my dreams for 2 and a half years..she was amazing my baby girl my life and she meant more to me than words could ever describe…my life became about her…she was as much a part of me as my arm or my leg…and we just began on the internet and it was a long distance relationship which isn’t easy to keep going…then 2 and a half months or so ago it ended..she never really told me why and then she was gone…she hurt me the way I thought no one could and it hurt me terribly…but anyway about 2 weeks ago after meeting up with this other girl and getting along with her we finally said we love each other…and then we have barely spoke since…it was like having a spear shot through my heart…the pain was unreal and I really was going to go for suicide for the first time in my life…so I began to plan it and as the days rolled by and I waited for her texts or prayed to hear from her I began watching youtube and doing other bits and pieces…and slowly I started to see how much I actually do love my life…and in fact me…I began to realise I’m not me because of someone else…I don’t rely on other people to let me be me…I can be happy without a person and I can be miserable without them…then I started to think about all the things I wanna do with my life…I wanna go abroad…learn japanese tonnes of stuff ! I wanna move out and be on my own for the first time…so…long winded it may be mate but…think about this suicide is an option it’s true but life can be made so much more enjoyable if you try…other people can screw us all up but believe me mate there are plenty of good ones out there amongst the sea of arseholes…anyway mate hope this helps but if not hope the otherside is actually something fun 🙂
thanks a lot for your words mate, I have lost interest on everything, two weeks back, I was off to Amsterdam, I am sure no one would have enjoyed a trip to Amsterdam the way I did, I was hopeless, each minute I was waiting to get back home, and I felt so sick that I could go to work the week. The more I try to have fun, the more I end up being sad. All I love doing is be alone and stay in my bed. I can’t take it with people around me complaining that I need enjoy life. I don’t know to do that anymore. Now, I really feel at peace, knowing this is the best way, and it would put a stop to all the miseries …
I felt the same too mate…I went to London a little while ago no money and my friends ended up paying for most of my meals, and they let me know about it, I felt awful by the end…was meant to be my big holiday the thing to get me over my ex…it didn’t really do it…and when this thing happened with the girl last week I was so distraught I didn’t even bother going to a job interview I had…I laid in bed and did pretty much nothing…didn’t wanna move didn’t wanna speak I sat and tried to plan out my suicide…wondering about people…now yeah some day it may take over me again but I realise now it’s part of me…I take things harder than the average guy…when I fall into depression I fall hard…but I am trying hard…so damn hard to beat thing…and I call it a thing cause it is…it might be a feeling or a voice or whatever but it is a thing…something that taunts you tries to make you give it all up…I dunno I don’t feel like letting the bastard win to be honest :p and besides I still wanna do a lot…and god yeah I will probs be here next time a girl I get close to breaks my heart but I think next time I’ll find it just that bit easier, I hope…
Basically mate it gave me a strong sense of peace too…the idea it would all just go away…but the idea of it all now…although it steal feels like freedom it feels tainted to me…I dunno I guess I wanna keep going and see what happens tomorrow…or next week…or the rest of this year…life is hard mate it really is…it’s meant to be I think I dunno why or anything but I think it’s like this for some reason…anyway I dunno where your at right now but as I say your not alone…far far from it ^^ so do what I do and dont let your emotional side make your decisions for you…
I’ve gone through the same thing too and know it sucks but noone in this damn world is worth enough to kill yourself for. I really hope to see your next post saying you are still here with us 🙂
Still alive mate, put it down for another day. I was not sure about the poison I got, what if it fails, I can’t face others, things would get more worse for me. Also if I die now, it could be problem for my roommates, I don’t want to trouble anyone after my death. So I have decided to go to my home town in July, try to get a bitten by a poisonous snake and make it all look like an accident.
Feel good to be here, I see so many people who are like me. I am so sensitive, just some small bad thing happens, I feel a lot. I get stock with one thing for too long, if something really bad happens, I really never manage to get over it. I have really had it enough. I have lost hope that I would enjoy this life. So it’s better I end it, rather than just dragging myself and living for the sake of it. I don’t see anything good coming my way, and so what hope should I try to live.
ah mate seriously I couldn’t agree with more of the things you’ve said…I honestly know what you mean the little things hit me so damn hard…they niggle and they seem to take forever to get over…it’s awful to be forced to obsess about something bad like that…when my ex and I broke up I had nightmares for weeks and weeks about her…it was horrible to be tortured like that…I really do hate my mind sometimes…I do but at the same time…as awful as it makes me feel sometimes it also brightens me up…it gives me hope that friends or family sometimes just cant…it makes me see the joy in the things most people don’t…I remember last week sitting here at this very chair thinking…I don’t get joy out my my life anymore… I don’t enjoy my games…I just wake up and drag myself through each day…but that was then…I dunno maybe I’m just going through a good patch and I’ll crash again at some point…but I now realise that I do have real ups and downs…I realise next time I crash I will hit the ground hard and if it’s over a girl god help me haha 😛 but I dunno…I don’t wanna give this up…I’m re teaching myself to enjoy things…I now sit on my games or surf on the net and smile…I listen to music and just enjoy it…I lived with a person as the center of my world for so so long…god I forgot how to enjoy anything else…but you can learn mate…it’s slow…hard…and it takes effort but it will make you see life in a much more positive light…well done for putting it off…whatever you reasons for it may be the fact your coming here like this and conversing means your listening…and I hope…really hope that it’s giving you some sort of help or comfort 🙂