Why Cant Pull Through With Suicide ?

Ive Tried Killing Myself so many times & I doesn’t work
I bullied every day by my brother calling me FAT COW , You WHORE , Go Kill Yourself all his comments. Telling me m ugly hitting me giving me black eyes .
I remember one time I was online & this random person sent me a message calling me fat telling me I could die at any moment & nobody would care. So I Took his advice I got a the biggest knife I held it to my throat I busted into tears sitting there thinking about what he said those words burned me . I Hate looking in the mirror and I See Nothing . I try to loose weight nothing works My Friends Buying the prettiest clothes when I Have to go & stand their while they buy everything they want & can cause their a small , medium , large , x-large . I Hate Having a gut I Looking at myself Nothings right I just want to die.
The guy I fell for isnt even talking to me anymore I wonder & stay up thinking is it because im fat am I to big for him , to ugly , I dont know what to do anymore.