I know people will hate me and there is no way out my situation – this is why I can’t see a therapist. I have a “girlfriend”, who was once a fiance. We had a child together and then she immediately got fat – I don’t mean a few pounds, but nearly 200. She also stopped bathing (except once per week), smokes constantly (even though she has high blood pressure). She is absolutely revolting to me. I feel so absolutely ashamed when I am in public with her – I walk a couple feet behind her, etc. I can’t have friends – because of this. I then sometimes feel shame for feeling this way. I cannot leave since I can’t leave my daughter. I also have serious epilepsy and I cannot ever drive again. I have lost 2 jobs because I had seizures in the first 90 days (There is no protection for people like me in Florida). I have no family to go to. It is like being in a very lonely prison all the time. I think about killing myself every day now since things are so hopeless and I can’t go another four years like this. I want to die because of the shame and loneliness. Nothing anyone can say will change the fact that I will never get better and I’m stuck here. Psych drugs interefere with my anti-epileptics (and surely enough, the two psychiatrists I have seen all want me to see a neuro-psych that I cannot afford). It is like the only thing I can do is either take up heavy drinking/smoking weed to numb a lifetime of pain or just hang myself. My eyes are watering now just writing this. I am tired of feeling so helpless, so shameful, and so lonely.
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Talk to her about how your feeling. If she cares about you and your daughter and herself she will try to loose the weight and stop the bad habits. You must of loved her at some point. So in a way its helping her help you to help herself.
Save up slowly for all the medically stuff you need. Sadly money doesn’t grow on trees and things are tough all around.
Don’t smoke are drink to try and “solve” your problems. You hate that your wife smokes so why do it yourself?
Don’t give up. You might feel helpless but there is always a way to get better. You just have to work for it. Fierce Love<3
@just listen
Trust me, I have tried all of those things. I stopped smoking nearly 5 years ago to get her to stop (I tried to quit “with her”). I tried to excercise with her (I ended up being the only one who went and lost weight). I have bought her new clothes and tried to go places with her. I have tried to talk to her and get her to see a doctor. I even put it in the context of her dying because of her weight (she was on high blood pressure mediciation – at 31). It is hopeless – she doesn’t care. There is no saving up about it. It would take me a decade to save up enough to live by myself (you have no idea how much my medications cost). If i had somewhere to go – friends, relatives – then maybe I could get my life in order (it would still be difficult). Unfortunately, I have none of those things. I have no friends or relatives here. I have been trying to get out of this siutation for 5 years now. I’m tired of being alone and in a helpless situation – I want to die.
I empathize with your pain. A very brave post. I’ve had so many seizure-like episodes I can’t even remember.
For me, I chose to not identify myself with the experience I was having. You may consider doing the same. You are not your experience…believe me, I would prefer you weren’t feeling the way you do as would you.
Anyone who has the courage to be born into this world is pretty brave. From my perspective, you have nothing to be ashamed of. There are many heroic people who experience all sorts of challenges most could not handle. My gf has seen me in all sorts of states & I have learned to own my experience & not let it own me. Take care!
I know how you feel, I really do. I live with my boyfriend who is an all-out nightmare. He has been diagnosed with bipolar, paranoid schizophrenia, antisocial personality disorder and “sociopathic tendencies”. I dated him for 2 1/2 years before moving in with him but I had no idea things would become this horrible. It has reached a point where we spend most of our time in separate rooms and when we do have conversations he uses mind games to belittle me and tear me down only to act like I am the headcase who is overreacting towards him. My entire family despises him and wants me to leave him. Only problem is, I am disabled, I do not drive and the few relatives I have left have either moved several states away or my decision to be with this man has alienated them to the point where they no longer associate with me. So each day I try my best to get through it but I fully realize this man I am with is pulling me down. His own mother warned me a few days before I moved in saying “I wish you luck, you’re going to need it” while tears streamed down her face. That was one major red flag I chose to overlook because at the time moving in with him was better than staying with my Mom who is an alcoholic. So basically, you and I both are trapped in living situations with no way to get out of them. I cannot afford to live on my own and the boyfriend will not help me move out even if I could. Life is a nightmare right now and every single day I have moments of “when will it end”? I do not want to die, I just want to have a chance to build a better life for myself. I hope you find some way of freeing yourself from the situation you are in, I really do. There is a great big world out there filled with good people who can bring joy to our lives. Unfortunately, we are in no position of meeting them and getting help from them right now. All we can do is hold on and hope for our chance to escape this hell. *hug*
@CursedLife75
We also live in separate areas – for the most part. She doesn’t like going up stairs, so I pretty much live upstairs and she downstairs. She mostly sleeps on the couch (by her choice). There was a time when I had lots of friends, had a job, and had some fmily here. Those things are gone for good. People act like things will just get better if you try hard/have faith. I have to choose with being homeless, never seeing my daughter again, or living here. My love for her helps me endure the pain. I know she will be hurt when I do kill myself, and I am ashamed of that inevitability. Everyone of my friends moved away long ago – I am too ashamed to reach out to them on facebook and unwilling to leave my daughter behind. My only option here is homelessness – Pensacola is an awful city and there aren’t many options for people like me.
I know what you mean by not wanting to die – its just that one can only endure constant pain for so long. People that say have faith and hope, don’t understand. I’m not simply a depressed person who just lost their puppy. I have a medical condition that will never get better. I can’t work or drive because of it. I also can’t make friends or have friends. I lost hope years ago.
I also live with someone just because I have no other options (and I love my daughter). I feel that I am just using them and this also makes me feel ashamed. No matter what I do, I am a bad person. I try to keep my mind busy playing with my daughter, with school, my “inventions”/projects, harassing the cat with my laser pointer, or simply just reading. Sometimes, I cannot keep up the distractions and then pain immediately takes over. I just want to be normal – to be able to drive – to work – to have friends. I want to be able to go to the movies, out ot bars, to the beach, etc. But, I can’t and may not ever be able to. Thank you for responding to me. It helps to know there are others that understand my pain.
Believe me when I say I definitely understand your pain. I first want to congratulate you for posting it does take guts to admit difficulties especially when they cause constant shame. I am on a constant rollercoaster of depression, shame, guilt, lonliness & unworthyness. I’ve had epilepsy along with other physical problems for 20 years. I been trying to control them for years but as soon as the sun shines & the timeframe between each one increases, BOOM the clouds appear & I wake up from a siezure. I black out for hours at a time. I’ve been married for 14 years & have no children. The fact that you have a daughter that needs you is a blessing not to be taken for granted. If she looses you all she has left is the other parent who you do not speak highly of in the first place. As far as your girlfriend….true you cannot change people unless they want to change but you can affect them through your actions, which you have tried through exercising already. If she isn’t ready you can still take other steps to make yourself happy. I don’t drive as well but there are other modes of transportation. I have worked full & part time jobs but please note that you are not required to mention medical information to a potential employer because they cannot refuse to hire because of a disability. Epilepsy is considered a disability by the US goverment. My piont is that you always have options, that is one of the benefits of living in this country.
p.s. I found your article because I was feeling ashamed & simply sharing made all the difference. 🙂 Thank You for helping me by letting me help you.