I have not posted here in over a year. I went through a very brief period of “remission” from my depression. When it returned, it did so with a vengeance. I am now 57 years old and have never been able to recover from the combination of heart related issues I first suffered 3 years ago.
I am now isolated in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains where I am companion to my 84 year old mother who has dementia.
I have been in the process of applying for SSDI since late last year. The hospital has just sent my records in to Social Security. It’s now late August and they were requested in December last year.
One way or the other, this will stop by the end of the year. I will either regain control of my life and the ability to not be a financial and emotional burden on my family by getting approved, or I will take that drive to the Golden Gate Bridge and end it all in 4 seconds.
I have no one, no money, no prospects. At my age it does NOT get better. I have a virtual pharmacy of heart related meds in 90 day supplies, drugs for hypertension, beta blockers, cholesterol and depression. If I take them all at once (I mean, I have 36000 mg’s of Hydralazine alone) I would think it would do the trick. I have an enlarged heart and permanent weakness to the left side of my heart. I’ve even begun to have episode of hypo-tension (very low BP). Chronic fatigue and back/chest pain. No, at my age it doesn’t get better…..it just gets worse and more and more lonely. I really want to try to hang on for my mother, at least until next June when my sister retires and can take control of Mom’s situation. But I am so desperately tired and lonely, deeply, deeply sad.
6 comments
I’d like to commend you on 57 years of enduring existence on this planet. There are countless people who can’t make such a claim and countless others that never will. I realize your situation doesn’t look good, but after 57 years, don’t you think you owe it to yourself to make death come and take you if it wants you? I would be damned if I would give into death at that point. You take care of your mother as well as endure a heart condition. People all over the world receive shiny awards and trinkets for far less effort. You my friend, are my hero.
Oh dear… Just reading about your heart condition makes me cry because of an… experience in the past… I’m sorry to agree, but you’re kind of right… at your age it doesn’t get better. But don’t let yourself sink into this thought and let it control you. Try to make the rest of your life happy. If you do decide that ending it all is all that’s left, at least go thinking that you’ve done your best and feeling at least a little bit happy, a little bit proud of what you’ve done. You’ve done so much for your mother. And you’re an amazing son for doing everything. I would say keep fighting, but it’s difficult for me to talk to someone older than me and tell them to keep fighting, I mean… you’ve fought for so much longer than me. You’ve done an amazing job. You’ve kept going for so long. I want you to keep going longer and longer… but I wouldn’t want you to be in pain… heart problems… they are painful, aren’t they? I can’t stand the thought of someone having their heart… heart! That’s just horrible… watching it once… But… if in the end you decide it’s the only way… try to do it when you’re happy and proud of something. Anything. Because you’re a great man.
I’m 51, and get SSDI, welcome to the site, hold on for a while the SSDI takes the pressure off a little. Its nice to see someone older here, there are so many teens and very young adults at SP not that thats bad, its just a cultural age difference.
All the kids have moved to the SP Chatroom. I kinda miss them. Sad but true.
Hi Duke
Hello