Yesterday my psychologist suggested to me that I am “addicted to suicidal thinking”. We did not get around to fully explore this, but I would like to post the question if this resonates with anybody. If I understand this right, it’s a “process addiction”, that is: an addiction not to a substance, but to an action you keep doing which short term provides relief from pain or even joy, but long term is destructive. Examples are gambling, shopping, sex addiction. In my case, because something/somebody in my past robbed me of my sense of self, of my ability to feel joy, of my ability to feel empowered and free, I get this relief/joy/etc by thinking/phantasizing/dreaming/planning about suicide.
When contemplating suicide I have control to some degree, I feel I can control the time and way of my death, and I can stop pain and fear.
Like with any addiction you need a stronger and stronger dose, and where phantasies once were sufficient, I now am at the stage where nothing is good enough but the real thing. This past weekend I very nearly killed myself, and I know I am capable of because I years ago I did a (very serious) suicide attempt.
When my psych first suggested it it freaked me out, but thinking about it, it sounds more and more true. It scares me because I know that addictions are not really curable, only manageable. It sounds freakish, and I don’t think it’s common. I googled and I could find plenty about “process addictions”, but nothing like being addicted to suicidal thinking. Does this resonate with anybody?
Just to put this into context – I have two sons which are the reason why I am struggling so hard against following through with my suicide wish. If it was not for them I would have died already at least a year ago. If it was not for them I would commit suicide right here and now, that’s how strongly I feel about it. I accept in principle the right of anybody to take their own life, but with the limitations that we need to consider the consequences for others. In my case the pain and destruction I would cause for my children outweighs my own pain – for the moment. I cannot bear the thought that they would suffer the way I do. I would love to hear from anybody who can relate to that.
18 comments
No-one relates to it. I asked everyone. Sorry.
I can relate…Whenever I start hurting and can find no relief…my first thought is suicide. I talked with an addictions therapist a few years ago and she explained to me that some people kinda of calm down…or feel more in control when they think about killing themselves.
I have a wonderful husband and know that he would be crushed if I killed myself. I know this because I have tried to kill myself over 6 times while I’ve been married.
I don’t know what else to say except it is very real. For me it is learning how to live with it.
I seriously don’t know if it’s a Law of Attraction or something like knowing the Truth or whatever that is, but one thing for sure: ever since I’ve come and known this website (accidentally), and read so many posts, and not only just ‘mere’ posts, but actually the most sincere, heartfelt, intelligent, and no BS kind of posts here in this website,..I’ve always getting more, somewhat, ‘interested’ at the idea of suicidal, although admitedly I still haven’t experienced your kind of pains (it even scared me just to think about it ie: your pains), and thus, haven’t really *tried* to commit one,..but maybe like some people who’ve posted here before, saying that even though they might seem to look all happy, healthy, all okay from outside (surface-ish) life, but deep inside, they see so many meaninglessness, hopelessness, futile, and BIG emptiness to keep living, or rather, *existing* in this physical 3D earthly life! so hence they STILL can feel or at least got so interested in suicidal thoughts too, perhaps with slightly different motivations, ie: out of curiosity of “what’s BEYOND this boring, mundane earthly life?? where am I going from here?? is this really ALL the Reality is?? or there’s more??”
something like that,..that I’m sure not so many people perhaps would ‘busy’ their everyday thoughts with these kinds of ‘weird’ UNpractical thoughts??… I don’t know.
Hi abused. I think I’ve down this same path. For me, severe physical pain has pushed me toward suicide. I’ve lost my life because of it – I can’t even go back to work which I loved so much because this illness has robbed me of everything.
I have a son, too. If it wasn’t for him, I’d be gone long ago. There’d be nothing left to hold me back.
But if pain is the reason why my thoughts long for death, then how come my mind still goes there even when I got a good doctor who has helped to relieve me of much of my pain? I’m in no way the same terrible place I was before, but it’s as if I’ve become so used to thinking like this, that I don’t know how to think anything else, and I wonder if it’s even possible to go back once one makes the trek to this dark place?
Abused, you and I have a lot in common – we both left abusive relationships and survived. We both have children we love, and yet we seem trapped don’t we?
If you ever find the answer, let me know, because I’m in a “better” state-of mind (meaning right now I prefer to live), and I want out of this mess I’m trapped in. I need to find an “Exit” sign. There’s got to be one down here, isn’t there?
JennyA: Do you mind me asking what you mean by you ‘need to find an exit sign’ ??
Hi Tammy2000 🙂
An exit sign… I wish there was another way other other than suicide. A different way to escape this terrible life.
Abused, I have been thinking about your post for a while now, and my reply to it too.
Can I ask you a question? Do you find yourself compelled to come to this site? I find that it’s become part of my daily routine, even on my good days.
I think I need to take back part of what I said. It was true that pain drove me here. But even when the pain is reduced, I still face a bleak future – the likelihood of no cure, not being able to go back to my job, not being the great parent I used to be because of all of this, and realizing that I have nothing in common with people anymore (people seem so cruel and vain and I just can’t stand it anymore).
So maybe I keep facing this because I really can’t get out. Perhaps thinking this way does give one control and provides comfort to know that there is something that is in your power when you feel otherwise so helpless.
I think your psychiatrist has something there, though because I’m pretty sure that I’m addicted to this site, even during the good times.
Hi JennyA, thanks for your very thoughtful responses. Yes I do think we have a lot in common. When you say that you have nothing in common with people anymore – have you ever considered that you may have Complex PTSD. One of the symptoms of that is that we feel like we are fundamentally different from other people. Complex PTSD is a possible consequence of sustained abuse – as you said you have suffered. I know I have it. Look it up on Wikipedia, it has a good article on it. As such this is treatable, not quickly, not easily, but treatable – and it means that people are not REALLY all different, it just feels that way – and feelings especially when you have PTSD do tend to masquerade as facts and seem very real.
This is not to say that there aren’t people who *really* are cruel and cold, but I know for a fact that there are people, and quite a lot actually, who are genuinely kind and compassionate.
Now for the theme of addiction – yes I think I am addicted to this site – after I posted my question yesterday I had to set the kitchen timer so I wouldn’t check it for replies more than every 10 minutes – even though I knew that most answers would take a long time to come through because I live in such a far out time-zone (I am12 hours ahead of the time stamps displayed on this website). So while you were all replying, I was in bed fast asleep, or rather popping a sleeping tablet in a desperate attempt to settle the raging thoughts in my head (but couldn’t post/read because my husband was sleeping next to me, and he does not know about this site).
Yes, thinking about suicide gives me comfort – up to a point. Sometimes when I cannot sleep I think about suicide, and in a weird way it is like a comforting security blanket and I can drift off in the knowledge that if it all gets too bad I can always go. Trouble is, if the thoughts get too serious, then they become torturous, because then reality sets in that because of my sons I CANNOT do it, and then it becomes this terrible struggle of the two parts in me, one wants to die and the other one tells me I under no circumstances am allowed to.
Like for you the irony is that I have had a very tough life, 12 years of an abusive marriage (emotionally and sexually), then many years as a single parent with no family support (they are all overseas as I am first generation emigrant), no help financially or otherwise from the father (just as well as he is obviously the abusive bastard, but money would have been helpful), and one son who had *severe* behavioural problems, was almost uncontrollable for years.
Now this has all come good. I have met and recently married a lovely man who is a good father to my sons, earns a very good income, loves me to bits. I had the freedom to follow my dream, study and train for an entirely different career, and just as I was about to finish that I fell ill, became so badly depressed and suicidal that I ended up twice for 4 weeks in a psychiatric hospital, and have not really recovered my wish to live ever since. My illness has now all but destroyed my hope to pursue this new career, leaving me unable to do any work, and barely able to get through each day.
This is where the addiction thing comes in. When things were difficult, this was one of my ways, not a healthy way obviously – to cope. It gave me at least mentally a way out, a phantasy of a way out, when my life was inescapably miserable. First I could not escape from the abuse (those who have been abused know that leaving an abuser seems only easy from the outside, from the inside it feels almost impossible – its part of the pathology of abuse). Later I could not escape from the responsibilities of single motherhood. My older son’s behaviour was so bad at times, I considered fostering him out, giving him up – because I had reached the limit of what I could handle, only to be told that there would be not foster parents willing to take him, because he was violent. Again, the only escape seemed suicide – if I killed myself someone else would HAVE to take care of him.
Now that my life is basically good – but this old way of thinking still operates. I have gotten too used to using the thought of suicide as an option to deal with emotional pain. It has become fully automatic – like salivating at the smell of nice food. Emotional pain -> instant suicidal thoughts. No transition period, no warning signs, nothing that I feel I can do about it. And because suicidal thoughts have given me this feeling of escape and relief and thus a degree of pleasure, it has taken on the characteristics of addiction, so that now I have no longer any control over it. And in order to get the sense of relief/joy/freedom/empowerment, more and more is necessary. Years ago it was enough to study suicide methods, and think about what I would like to do. Later it was looking at pictures of suicide victims, reading stories about attempts etc online. Please don’t flame me for that ( I already feel ashamed for that as it is), I mean no disrespect to the memory of the people I looked at / read about. I just needed them as an aid to fantasise myself into their shoes so to speak. Doing that relieved the intensity of my own suicidal feelings and my pain, and eventually I would be able to let go and get on with my life. It was a bit like a pressure relieve valve. Now this is no longer enough. Now I actually need to really plan my own very real suicide, and of course this is where this addiction becomes really non-sensical and ultimately destructive, I can only kill myself once, and I know I shouldn’t, so now I am still addicted to that kind of thinking, but it no longer provides relief, because it is immediately linked with the guilt for even contemplating doing this to my sons.
Sorry for the length of this. I have never before been able to speak about this with such frankness. I feel very exposed so please treat this with respect. But I believe that the only way to healing is to be honest with yourself, even if what you see seems freakish and shameful. And for me there are really only two ways forward from here, one is the painful way of working through this and getting better, and the other way is to end my life, and in doing so passing the pain on to those two wonderful young men I brought into this world. It is becoming clear as I write that there is no middle way, because carrying on as I was will not work, and will kill me eventually.
Finally, niki: No, its not my interest/curiosity in a possible afterlife. I kind of hope that there is none – because I just wish to *stop to exist*. Paradoxically I am a Christian, and as such am convinced that there is an afterlife.
Thanks to anybody who had the patience to read this long ramble.
abused,
Since you’re willing to talk and have the urge to help yourself, that gives me enough room to squeeze in.
Man and woman are 2 totally different animals, only love or sex can make them compatible under one roof.
Hormones different in each sex, apply differently to each thinking pattern.
And your hormones, enzymes and chemicals are out of balance.
It’s like being compulsive thinking of own hands being dirty, to wash and wash and wash, just caused by a mis-connected thought with misfired neurons. But western medicine has to put a name as compulsive disorder to define its task of difficulty, and apply medicine to increase or decrease neurons’ output, without even knowing the real source of trouble coming from which organs or sections of the body. All they know is just the brain output is malfunctioned.
So how can they cure instead of controlling it.
Actually, it’s no big deal at all, since most cases can be cured with just a few days of herbs of dosage.
I’m not a doctor but I know which parts of organs are in fault, just by feeling pulses on the wrists.
It’s not magic at all, but a learnable science of knowledge of medicine ignored by most people believing only in chemicals.
Natural ingredients are best for natural body, not toxic chemicals.
Only that acquired chemicals in daily life, such as bleached flour, whitened salt, preservatives and etc. damage the body again.
According to western medicine, in your case, you are doomed to die one day in suicide, or living miserably throughout.
To me, you are just a normal person able enough to live a happy life, since the basic of an intact family is already provided, only if you will just learn of your real causes and get the right treatment.
After your physical body is well enough, you can have a reasonable mind to sort things out.
If you’ve read my previous comment, you would have known I’m an abuser stated by my wife and the law.
So, only if you feel comfortable at that, and not treating me as a threat, we can talk some more.
Things such as, it is normal for man to think and see far in order to hunt, and woman to think and see things only around their proximity in order to nurse a home.
It’s normal that woman doesn’t know how to read maps, or to point out the right direction.
It’s normal that they can’t figure, turning left meaning not by pointing right with their right hand.
If reversing the natural order, one’s physical problems will occur.
Those are enough to show the contradiction of man and woman living under the same roof, not to say the lifting up, or down of a toilet seat.
It’s not stupid of woman not able to read maps. (they are programmed to see only the easily defined, like a distinctively tall or colored building, or a vulture of threat is flying near their cave)
And it’s not lazy of man not doing dishes.(they are programmed to think and see far instead, but women always damn them behind bars to think their hell out)
It’s just habitual for one to blame someone else for things they themself unwilling to do.
Have to understand !
Thank you fireflieslite,
I agree that man an women are different, but not to the extreme that you say. My husband does dishes and I read maps very well thank you. Also I don’t get what that has to do with my problem, except maybe that in principle my problems are caused by reversing the natural order?
I am openminded to non-traditional treatments, but how could you possibly detect all my problems from feeling my pulse? I don’t mean any disrespect, and thank you for caring and answering, but I am sceptical. Also, even in practical terms, quite likely we live in different corners of the world, so how could you? But, I am open-minded – what kind of treatment/out-of-balancedness are you talking about?
In regard to you being “an abuser stated by my wife and the law”, I could not really find an old post by you that stated what happened. I do not pass judgement, and I feel secure enough that no man would ever abuse me again, so I don’t feel threatened.
If you are innocent I have no problem, if you are an abuser and have recognised that, I have no problems, because I believe all humans are redeemable. If you are an abuser and are refusing to recognise that reality, I do have a problem. My husband (who was my abuser) is a narcissistic sociopath, he is incapable of emphasising with other people, and he will never recognise what he did to me. But – I will still talk to you. 🙂
JennyA: I too would love an alternative ‘exit’ other than suicide, but there is no way at all to give up on life and just be left alone in peace, I HATE that and it makes me angry. It’s a crime that so many people take their own lives when searching for a peace that this shithole doesn’t offer.
Dear abused,
Thanks for your very detailed reply. I understand you!
No need to apologize or worry about me “flaming you”. I get it. Our lives seem so very similar! It’s shocking actually. You not only think like me, but you’ve also gone through such similar circumstances. I thought I was so alone!
I was abused as a child by my father (physically, emotionally/psychologically). Then married someone even worse then him. Had a child. It was very hard to get out of that relationship. So many people judge you and think that all you have to do is just move out. It’s so much more complicated than that. I didn’t get married only to get divorced. I felt like things would get better if I could just get him the help he needed. It wasn’t until the life of my child was at risk until I had enough strength to really get out. And even that was hard. But I did it.
I went back to school – to university and got a degree. Started working at a great job. Life was hard as a single parent, but I did it. I found a way to rise above my past every day and make it through and thrive. I felt resilient. My father and ex-husband had sought to destroy me, but I survived and even thrived.
But it wasn’t until I got struck with illness that I hit an impenetrable wall – a barrier too strong that no amount of “self-will” could enable me to escape it. And I sunk. My life spiraled out of control. And before long, I went from a very happy person to one who longed for death to come. But even that isn’t easy because I have a child.
abused, I could relate to so much of what you wrote – you seem so intelligent and are such a skillful writer. I feel like I’m there with you and can understand your pain. Perhaps because I feel it too.
I long so much for things to just get better, but as my doctors remind me, it takes time and patience. Today my psychiatrist told me that I have to consider the possibility that I will never get my life back. So much for hope!
Oh – I have to mention that you made me laugh when I read how you have to set your timer – I can certainly understand, and I appreciate how humorous you can be 🙂
And how do you ever manage to keep this site hidden from your husband? I have a hard enough time keeping it from my child – but you have 3 in your family to hid it from!
Well, you’re probably sleeping while I write this. Maybe we use the same sleeping pills? lol.
You made me smile today. It’s not an easy thing to do. Thank you!
Oh – I just realized that I forgot to answer your question about PTSD. Last year I made a request for a copy of my medical records and I noticed on there that my psychiatrist wrote that it’s likely that I have PTSD, among other things. I’m sure over the past year he’s added to that list.
Isn’t it amazing that you can grow up and leave your parents home and/or leave an abusive relationship, but even years later you still haven’t really “escaped’ it. Those memories still lie dormant, waiting to frighten again. The learned behaviors are still there, too.
I’m glad you found yourself a good husband. I think those are few and far between.
Dear JennyA,
it is so good to have discovered a kindred soul here. I would like to continue this conversation (maybe not daily – we don’t want to feed our compulsion 😉 – but as needed, but not on this forum. Would you like to contact me on facebook: http://www.facebook.com/angelika.i.jones
Obviously, don’t post on my wall. I have not been too active on it recently, but that can change. As you will see (if you accept my invitation), most of my friends there know about my problems and that I have been in a psychiatric hospital, but what I shared here goes beyond what I can share with just about anybody.
Having found someone who understand already makes me feel a bit better, at least for the moment. Less like a freak, and more like someone who suffers from an illness that may be rare and strange and terribly difficult but at least not unique.
Hang in there – at the moment my strategy is to live in the moment. When something feels even the tiniest bit pleasant, I try not to think that the pleasure will not last, but just stay in it. It does help, although it does not at all remove the wish to die. Which to anybody else would be bizarre, but I trust you understand. Still, it helps me at the moment to get through each day, so I thought I share it. I am glad I made you smile. I will try and do that again.
As to how I can keep this site secret from my husband – it helped that until two days ago he was away working at sea – he is a marine engineer and works four weeks off/four weeks on. Now that he is home it will be more difficult. Laptop has a password which is required even when the screensaver kicks in, or if it goes to sleep, so all I need to do is pop down the lid. The rest of the family has their own computers or their own accounts on mine, so never an excuse to log into my account. My iPhone is more of a problem as it is regarded as public property – at the moment I keep it firmly parked in my jeans pocket. As spring comes here (I am in Australia) and I am going to wear skirts, I have to make it a habit of closing the window, and habitually erasing the history. Tedious but effective. I am reasonably open with my husband, but there are things I’d rather keep private, and I think that is healthy even in a good marriage.
Hope to talk to you soon again my friend.
For sure – I’ve made an account and am in the process of sending you a message 🙂
Jenny
I’m pretty sure I’m addicted to suicidal thinking… I just wonder what helps it and how to treat it besides medication… I hate meds and I already take 4 of them just to treat my depression
Last week my therapist suggested the same thing to me that I am “addicted to suicidal thinking”. We haven’t talked further about it as she has been on vacation. I wondered how could anyone be addicted to a thought. I too understand being addicted to drugs, drinking, and food, but addicted to suicidal thinking…no way.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot this past week and realize it is true. For over a year now I’ve thought daily about suicide. Not that I want to actually kill myself but I use the thought as a way to escape life. When something makes me sad, upset , or feeling inadequate I think what a relief suicide would bring.
You see, my mom opened the door to suicide as an escape when she decided to end her own life when I was eleven. My first thought of suicide came when I was 13 and it seemed like the best way to get away from everything. This thought comes and goes, but I know that it is a permanant soluction to a temporary thought. It would cause pain to those left behind and living through it myself these past 44 years I don’t want to cause that pain to anyone. Death is bad enough but trying to deal with someone taking their own life is the worst. I questioned if I was the cause of her decision. Was I not a good enough daughter, not lovable enough and more, but I realize it had nothing to do with me but was her own internal demons going on.
I was placed on medication 10 years ago and seeing a therapist during this same time span. First seeing her four days a week and worked down to once a week. I am back off medication now for a month and I feel better. Don’t get me wrong there are still many days that the thought pops up as a way out, but that is all that it is a thought. The “Thinking” addiction. I’m hoping there is a different route than to let this addiction take control over my life.
Right now I try not to go down that road as often, as it is an all to familar place but to try and find a different avenue.
I never thought I’d live past 40 as that was the age at which my mom took her life so I never made plans for my life. However the only dream I did have was to visit Ireland due to the friendship of a neighbor lady when I was five. So I try to turn my thoughts from suicide to planning this trip for next year to celebrate my 60th birthday.
Being raised as a Christian I know it is a sin to take ones life, but as a thinking human being I believe it is also my right to take my life if I want and some days I do. Somethig or someone stronger that this thinking addiction is at play in my life. It has been 41 years since my first thought and I am still here. Maybe it’s the pain and devistation it would cause to others that keeps me here, but Iam still here.
Everyday that I can reply to the question “How are you?” by saying I woke up on the RIGHT side of the dirt,is a GOOD day!
Hi Trish,
you’ve been fighting a brave battle… I am a Christian as well, so I can relate to your moral ambivalence, the strong mandate to not cause others pain (in my case to my two sons), and on the other hand the strong desire to escape the pain, and exercise what I too regard as a basic right of freedom of choice….if only it could be done without hurting anybody else.
In regard to the addiction: it’s been more than two years since I wrote that post, and I can offer a bit more information. I have since been put on Naltrexone, which directly addressed the physical side of the addiction.
With any addiction, even an addiction to a thought (really a variation on a “behavioural addiction”), produces an emotional high by an outpouring of endorphins, the body’s natural morphine. Naltrexone basically neutralises all morphine related chemicals, including endorphins, preventing them from producing the usual rush of joy.
So while on Naltrexone, even when you engage in the additive behaviour, you don’t get the big endorphin reward, you don’t get that rush of feeling good. I stayed on Naltrexone for almost two years, I tried once before to come off it but it was too early, but about half a year ago the timing was right and I could come off the Naltrexone, and would not get the old resurgence of suicidal thinking. It’s worth investigating…. it certainly helped me…
Mind you, I am still struggling, many hospital stays later I’ve now also been diagnosed with Borderline, which is yet another mechanism by which I am drawn to wipe myself out. So the battle is far from over, but the Naltrexone has certainly helped.