I did it :)

Sometimes, when I walk down the driveway to get the mail, I imagine walking away from everything. Away from my past, away from the pain. When I’m driving, I imagine driving until everything makes sense, driving until everything is fixed. But that’s no way to live, so then I walk back inside, I drive back home, and I realize that I’m okay and I have a million things to be grateful for. We all do, really.

Earlier this year the only thing that soothed me to sleep was the thought of suicide. Everything was out of control. I was sixteen years old, I didn’t eat, I forced myself to throw up, my family was so broken, and everything hurt. People tried helping me, but I fought everyone. Suicide calmed me down, I thought I had no purpose, I thought it was my time to go. I didn’t kill myself though, I kept holding on for everyone who loved me, because I thought killing myself was selfish. I was in counseling (for my eating problems, no one knew about my thoughts of suicide), but I lied at every session. I don’t like counselors, they freak me out, and I am really stubborn so I refuse to let them help me. I was fighting for my own death. I starved myself to the point of passing out in the spring, everyone was worried about me with the exception of my parents, they believed I faked it all for attention. In June I came upon the realization that I wasn’t going to kill myself, and I needed to change something. I thought it would be pretty amazing if I could go the entire summer without starving or throwing up. At first it was really only to prove everyone wrong, but it turned into so much more.

I made it all summer. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I wanted it so badly that I never gave in. If you go online you would believe that it is impossible for an adolescent to recover from an eating disorder without professional help of parental support. I did it though, and being able to say that sounds unreal. There were moments that were so awful, I literally had to fight myself each day, I would wake up I the middle of the night sobbing because I would lose hope, but it was all worth it. Today, it has less than four months since I passed out, but I can now eat without knowing the calorie content and without feeling guilty. I prayed for strength and I am so thankful for every ounce of strength I was given. I still have to watch myself sometimes, I have to be really careful not to fall into my unhealthy ways, but I am going to conquer this. I no longer wish to kill myself, I am here for a reason. The thing is, nothing in my life really changed, I just started looking at everything differently. I changed my perspective, I let some of my past go, and I learned to focus on the little things that make me happy.

I’m only seventeen years old, but so far I have conquered a lot. I have a long and complicated past, but that has nothing on my bright future. I still have lots of moments where nothing makes sense; I’m so frustrated because I hurt so badly, I wish my past could change. Everyone does. It would be nice if my parents appreciated me more, if I could have my sister back, if I could get back the year of my life I starved away, but I can’t. End of story. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and I am living proof that you can change your own life. It takes extreme determination, but you can do it.

I know you don’t believe me, but honestly I’m just a regular senior in high school. I love laughing, I slack on my homework, and I love hanging out with my friends. I always thought that recovering from something like an eating disorder and wishing to take your own life would take a person that loved the entire world, that was happy constantly and a person that saw everything in an annoyingly positive way, you know what I mean? It’s hard to explain, but anyways I’m an average seventeen year old with a crazy past and I did it. I promise, if you want it enough, you can too.