My husband has always suffered with depression, we’ve worked through most issues, but just recently he’s sunk further than ever and I don’t seem to be able to say or do anything to help. He’s talked about ending his life and having nothing to live for although we’ve been mostly happily married for 7 years (no kids, both our choices).
IÂ am there for him, I give him his space when he needs it, physical attention when he wants that (not often!) but what I’d like someone to tell me is…what does he really want from me?
ps I have asked him and he won’t talk about it and he won’t go to counselling.
9 comments
he should really seek a good psychatrist help before its too late for counselling to help. Then he would have to take antidepressents which have a lot of side effects. believe me i been through it. by the time i got treatment counselling couldnt help.
Thanks for your advice. It’s really difficult to find a good psychiatrist on the good old NHS and then the waiting lists are so long, he’s had counselling before he met me, not good ones though and has been put off. He’s been on antid’s in the past and they’ve not helped either. He’s also suffered since childhood and he’s 39 now.
Hi, Really difficult for depressed people to communicate, sometimes impossible, i would have to agree with shefeek (above) most guys wont seek help, which makes it hard, buy unfortunatley, they are the ones that have to fight the fight, impossible for it to work any other way….. You no doubt have your work cut out for you, wish i had something easier to offer, be strong, best of luck….
Thanks, he’s a really sensitive soul and i’m quite the opposite, I try and lighten everything with humour and most of the time that has worked but just lately I can’t get past that outer wall. He has real confidence issues and i’m extroverted, talk about chalk n cheese! I’m going to try my hardest to make him seek help.
Yeah, I’m not sure if there’s anything you can do. It probably isn’t anything to do with you at all. If it’s a mood disorder then he really needs medication and therapy. Without them he likely won’t improve.
If it’s related to something going on in his life, he might actually be happy with you but still feel it’s not enough. I’ve had times when I really hated my job and so was terribly depressed even though I was generally happy with my girlfriend at the time. But she couldn’t fix how much my job dragged me down.
Or, he may really, really want you to help/save him, but he doesn’t tell you how because he doesn’t know. I have sometimes been very depressed and really, really wanted/wished that my girlfriend would fix it, but I didn’t actually know what she needed to do in order TO fix it. I know at those times she has felt helpless, probably just like you do now.
But if he really does want or need something from you, I don’t think there’s any way for you (or us) to know what it is if he isn’t talking.
But I can tell you that likely the reason he doesn’t want to see a doctor or counselor is because depression affects your thinking and makes you think stuff like that won’t help. I know when I was depressed and suicidal after a breakup I felt like only getting the girl back would help. I didn’t feel as if meds or therapy would make any difference without her. I didn’t go until a friend made an appointment for me and pretty much took me there.
Ta very much, I sway between feeling helpless and frustrated. There’s a general assumption that everyone wants to be saved (not helped by tv programmes like Touch) when that’s not the case clearly. You sound like you’ve come good now though, so that’s promising.
I will try to explain myself in order to explain your husband (maybe?).
I am also depressed and I don’t prefer talking to anybody about it. Yet, nobody knows it, even though I am depressed for 6 years. I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want counceling, because I feel that I can’t be helped. Nobody can understand what I went through if they haven’t experienced it. Although I am smart, I lack the social skills. The main reason, just maybe, I don’t want to change anymore, that is why I won’t seek help. I got comfortable living this way and maybe being different, and also suicidal. Maybe he doesn’t want to change either? I could only dream of left alone as I prefer that most recently, because everybody seems just to bother me. Not all the time though, I need to a little communicate to keep me sane. It’s great that you are there for him, I have really good friend too, that would be always there for me. BUT it doesn’t matter, when I am alone I feel depressed and lost in this world. When I am with people I just forget for little while. Sadly, it is more important how you feel alone. As you see , I there is many words “maybe” in my post, so don’t take it for granted. And from what you wrote, I can guess, you can’t do anything for your husband now. He is being totally honest with you, he said he wants to attempt suicide etc. So if there would be something you could do, I guess he would tell you. For now just make him feel needed.
P.S
I’m sorry for mistakes. I was jumping from one thought to another in my head. So some words doesn’t belong there and some words are missing.
No worries, I appreciate your very frank and honest reply. I’ve being really trying to get to the bottom of what causes depression and what halp there is out there and it is mindblowing. I suffered in my early 20’s after disassociating myself from my (demented) family and was put straight on antidepressants and they were not the answer for me. I’m not sure if they help anyone frankly. You’re right, not everyone wants to talk either, damn there’s no way you’d get me talking to a stranger, I’d be worried that they’d lock me up in a padded cell!