My birthday was a week ago.
but I needed to spell this out somewhere. I’m tired of spelling it out to myself when I already have heard it a million times.
I hate my birthday. Every year it comes and it reminds me of all the pain I’ve lived with, how long I’ve dealt with shit and have never had help, and it reminds me of how long I’ve lived and have seen, heard people say that they don’t know me when they see me everyday. It reminds me of every failure. It reminds me of all those things people have said to me. I wasn’t planned, I should’ve been aborted, I’m a failure, I will always be a failure, fatass, piece of worthless shit, ingrate… the list keeps going on and on. And now, my birthday is like a reminder of how long it has been since Niel has died, since I’ve fucked up the last month of his life. I keep thinking about this, and it just ruins my week. I’ve been in a bad mood since my birthday and it’s just not going away. This year I have a chance of drowning myself in alcohol because I’m in college and people love celebrating birthdays. It’s all I want to do. It’s all I’ve thought about. Just drowning myself in alcohol because I don’t want to remember that my birthday has come or that it was here. I think I’ll have a chance to do that this weekend. I really do just want to drink until I can’t remember shit. Maybe i’ll forget the pain, even if it’s just for one night.
4 comments
You know what’s interesting? The most common birthweek in America is the first week of October (give or take a few days). Why is that?
Women get impreganted 9 months before the baby spits out. If mommy & daddy created you 9 months before October 1st, then Jan. 1st would be the day they “shook hands”. All of those Christmass parties, New Years ever parties, etc., lotsa babies are created in the winks of those eyes. 🙂
If you wana kill yourself with alcohol try something else because it’s most likely that you’ll throw up before you can die, but if you want to get shitfaced just to forget about the pain for a bit then go right ahead that’s what I always do.
I drown myself in alcohol even when it’s not my birthday. Why deny yourself the pleasures in life.
I dont want to do anything stupid if I’m drunk. Plus I don’t really want to have people see me as some idiot who just drinks and drinks. It’s frustrating.