I tried

THEY never understand. Or claim they do and then whisper shit behind your back like man she has lost it again.

You DID try and so many people don’t. I know what you mean after telling someone and you feel as big as a pebble and wish you never said a fucking thing. I get so scared and last minute reach out because I am so afraid but so compelled.

You are not an idiot in my eyes. You are brave because you know how people usually react and yet you went out to get someone to fucking just listen. JUST LISTEN and try to get them to understand w out judgement. Am I close?

If you get sick – you get sick. It won’t fix or hurt anything. Its part of the anger at yourself for trusting someone to understand and that what seems like nothing to someone else – was you trying so damned hard. If they ONLY knew how much people hold in for fear of being locked up or committed or judged screamed at or punished for how we feel. They have NO IDEA how much bravery and trust it took you to do this. To talk.

I hate myself too when I feel like I am losing it and no one understands why I feel as I do. Or they roll their eyes and think what a fucking loser.

Like you – I understand how it feels to kick your own ass once you see the reaction or lack thereof.

Listen honey. I hear you. I HEAR YOU. I understand. At least ONE person does. Its me. And I hate that you are hurting like this.

HUG

You are welcome. I hope to hell you do not give up. There are people who get it. But you know – there are those who do not – and what does it do? Intensifies how bad you feel. Right?

Woke up from a horrible nightmare that my kids died and my ex was screaming and spitting an inch from my face saying it was my fault because I am a fuck up.

Called my sister because she said she would listen when I needed to talk. I did. And she interrupted and started screaming at me: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO YOURSELF???

She would not stfu.
So I hung up.

And I remembered why I dont reach out.

I was ashamed. Embarrassed and sat in the garage with the engine running for a few minutes. Just to see if I could do it without puking from the smell. Not to punish her but to punish myself for being a fuck up.

This is what can happen when people like us reach out. Not always but man – I do understand what you are getting at.