— while I typed that I heard the melody of a song Muspelhem wrote once in my head.
I think I should look more into hanging. There are no other sensible options.
I stood on the trainstation again today. I went home and I looked at all the trains passing by. And I felt this urge to just run across the platform and jump. I always freeze. My heart will start racing and I can feel the adrenaline rushing through my body. Yet I cannot move.
Fuck.
I wish I had more courage.
24 comments
I remember that song too 🙂
Muspelhem needs to come back and write a song a week to keep us all going.
So… I guess you’re back from Thailand?
Courage is overrated. Fear is a natural instinct that has real value
I read an interview once with a train driver who had someone jump in front of his train. It ruined his life. He couldn’t sleep at night because every time he closed his eyes he saw it again. He couldn’t work, and his marriage fell apart because he couldn’t look his wife in the eye any more.
You want to ruin someone’s life? Stay away from the trains.
You think I cant think of the fact that its a traumatizing experience for the train driver? I have mentioned many times before on here that it in fact makes me hate myself more because I will be ruining someones life.
And yes it is selfish. After an entire life of being abused and molested and used I am entitled to be selfish one time.
Now, you can just go and mind your own bullshit and go and fuck yourself. Good day sir.
Muspelhem writes awesome songs. 🙂
Unfortunately I got back 2 month ago. I was only there for three week. I hated being there – but I hated coming back even more. If I’m not offing myself Im going back there next year. It was amazing.
What value does fear have in this scenario?
…To think that you could, if you wanted to, consider the conscience and the guilt of the train driver. Not that you should prioritize his emotions over yours but that maybe you could consider it in as so far as involving inculpable people. Idk sometimes I think “eff everyone.” But then sometimes I think “I don’t want to hurt this person”. Anyway, those are my thoughts on that.
I’m confused. U hated being there, but it was amazing?
Fear is the paralysis that keeps us here. It is the first stage to developing hope as a survival mechanism.. That’s what I chose to believe anyway
I was confronted many times with my awful personality because I obviously did not have the opportunity to be high all day – I did drink a lot.
I didnt really hate Thailand. I just hated the fact I didnt kill myself, basically.
That’s a nice way of looking at it, though I dont share that believe.
I shouldn’t have said that. I’m really sorry.
Its fine. I could have reacted less ****-y.
you told me not to worry…
Don’t die. Only if you really want to. Your Transcend right.? I think. You ok like Normal. wink. Donnie. Smoke T E S.
Well Donnie, I really want to. What is “Transcend”?
Like born in the wrong boby.? And she/he is. And getting alot of shit to.
…how the fuck did you got the idea Im transgender? hahah. Thats one of the most random things I have heard lately.
So christina what’s with.?
whats with what?
With you.? I dont post much come’s back.
No chat. I pissed you.
no you didnt. I was just doing some things.
Whats up with me? Well Im doing fabulous and everything, im researching about hanging now. whatsup with you?
You doin fabulous ok.
that was sarcasm Donnie.
Im off to smoke some weed now, take care .
Off the weed 17. still have friend’s who smoke. I have my drug to. No sarcasm christina.
I’m about to tell you the last thing you want to hear. I’m eighteen. When I was 14 my best friend killed himself. My role model. The person I wanted to be just like. Me and his family have never recovered. Neither has anybody who loved him. At the time I’m guessing ( NOBODY will ever know ) that he thought he had nobody. Boy was he wrong. If only he saw what it did to his family. His friends. Me.
Please, I’m literally begging you. Please reconsider. I don’t care what you say, people would miss you. People would never recover. People would never be the same. You aren’t alone. You may think you are, but you are not. The only person who can make you feel alone is yourself. You have your whole life ahead of you. You will bounce back. If you say you don’t have anybody, than I am here. I mean that. As a listener. I will spread your message. Email me anytime at defendhope@gmail.com I mean it when I say that if somehow I heard that you carried through with this I would be hurt. This is not the anwser. You WILL get past this.
Of course you can just cut and paste everyone the same message. Im sure that will make people feel very special.
If anyone is wondering why I usually put comments of (sometimes I forget and get this crap) then look at the comment above. I am sick of bullshit comments. I am sick of people trying to make other people feel guilty. Im sick of having to reply to shit. Im sick of people feeling so full of themself and thinking they can help you that they will fucking give you their email. No. Just stop it. You are only here and saying this to make yourself feel better. I am not here to make you feel better about yourself.
I will not get past this. Go play the prince who can safe everyone somewhere else. Thank you very much.