my boyfriend of 8 years killed hiself 2 years ago. i went into a state of shock,he left our daughter of 3 and me behind, his full family and friends. i have since been so alone. i have my good days which can roll onto weeks but then over thinking turns into overkill and i cant help but think my daughter is better off without me. my family have been put through so much. i am a complete failure. always a worry to my family and when i go down i cant pick myself back up. i cant go back on my meds because im pregnant and i feel trapped. it sounds terrible but i wish i never got pregnant cause then it somehow in some twisted way would make it better to make my next attempt. i dont need people telling me this is wrong. i dont need to be told to snap out of it, or youve got a daughter who needs you cause im fucking sick of hearing it. i feel like my entire life is a complete failure and my daughter is better off without me ruining her life. shes such a great kid and im so short wired on her i cant go out i cant sleep i cant even have her cuddle me.
i have a wonderful family but ive always felt like the scum in it, the stain on the family name. i know they want whats best for me but i can see they know im a lost cause. im so mad at him dying and not taking me with him. every day feels like a battle to live. i have nothing to offer the world so you tell me what is the point. cause i dont have one. i dont want to see the future and if i wasnt pregnant now id probably end it. im so sick of this horrible world. im sick of being a dissappointment to my family and a failure to my daughter, and before anyone passes judgement i dont feel this way all the time i have a job, a house, i am the sole provider for my kid(s). when im up i can see the light but i feel like its just a cloak or rose tinted glasses covering the hard facts, that i am nothing, i have nothing, i will have nothing no matter how much i fight i am destined to ask myself why am i still breathing.
2 comments
Imagine the only thing different in your situation is that you have no children. What would you be doing this week?
id be dead most definately id be gone, id have died a couple of years ago tbh and that scares me. it scares me how much i want to die but when i look at my kid i dont want to mess her life up more than what her fathers allready done. i feel like im on a life sentence