i’ve been having suicidle thoughts.. and im only 14.. i just want to hang myself and its done. i have a online boyfriend. family doesnt support me at all for that.. he is 14 also.. i feel as if im just not speacial fo him.. at school im just ‘Caroline’.. just a Caroline… I suck at gym.. no one wants me.. and for him hes athletic, has alot of friends ..and he doesnt know this side of me.. the suicidal side of me.. anyways, as if they would care if i was gone forever and i know my mom cares about me because once i was really close to suiciding.. i mean my sister, dad, mum were gone at USA, so i kept on telling my mum i was going to run away. and get picked up by a car and never come back.. but my mom came into my room and said.. “I dont want you to leave.. please… i really love you i dont want you to be gone..”and she started to cry and so did I.. and that really touched me but thats her thought. what about everyone around me.. im just a ADD kid with alot of difficulties in my school ..the stupid girl.. i got soo scared of flunking my year at 8th grade.. and now im 9th grade and i want to end it. soon. im such a mess right now.. and i’ve been wanting to visit my boyfriend at 15 or 16 years old but i need a job and I live n Canada so its a pretty good economie.. ill do anything to get a job. i want to see him. i want to feel like im shineing for once.. for him.. i wanna feel as if im importan for him… i wanna live my life with him.. butin the other side i dont want to live. i dont want to feel the pain. i wanna see the dark side of my life.. never come back. but if i did then i would never see him.. my head is turning so much.
After that. well theres bulling in my class in 8th grade.. someone called by the name “Réda” and kept on saying like “HII CAROLLIIINE” and told me i was ugly and he hates me so.. its mor like a ‘HI STUPID’ And well the others is like ” i dont want you near me get away from me’
t0day i wear make up. to hide my real side to make atleast some like me for how i look. i know its the wrong side.. but hey.. its life i guess.. im being something im not cuz i dont like the real me.
2 comments
First of all, everything kids say is petty and is meant to make them feel better . Don’t bother with other people; just think about yourself here.
Caroline, as you said, you’re only 14. You’re too young to think you’re in love. It’s great when you’re young, because that’s the only person you’ll ever want to be with (it’s true as an adult too), but there’s a lack of perspective as a 14 year old. Your feelings are strong because you’re infatuated and you’re hormones are rushing, but have you really given it much though? You think because you’re getting married and have already chosen kid names that you’re in love. Being in love is a little more than that, and as much as it sucks, it takes a little longer to develop a mature understanding of what love really is. So, enjoy your conversations with him, but don’t get your hopes up and let your heart break over something that’s long distance. An average teenager that dates will go through s e v e r a l relationships through middle and high school. And no, the love you share with him is not any more different than the kind that the kids around you have with their significant others. It’s all feel good, and you’ll change your perspective about five more times throughout school, and will come to realize other things about yourself. I’m not trying to destroy your feelings about him right now, I’m just trying to make sure you don’t get your hopes up too much.
Don’t ever cover up who you are, though. You are you, and that is truer than true. There is no one more youer than you. Your family is there for you, and they love you for who you are. If you’re having tthoughts about suicide, talk to your parents. If you can’t, talk to your school counselor. They are trained. If you need treatment, they will help to make sure you get it. Don’t ever let people get you down. I hope you realize that your life is worth more than you think it is..
Best of luck,
Dan
You are a young girl as Dan said you are 14, its ok to feel this way, and listen to what Dan has to tell you and listen to me as well, you are NOT useless. I am 17 and have been bullied countless amount of times and have been called a baby prostitute and horrible things and I felt like my mum was against me and of course I live in another country and my father ditched me when I was little when I was about to leave him for good to live in another country.
See? We all have our problems and flaws, and it seems to me you are picking out your flaws and focusing on them and this is what is making you feel so ‘useless’ and ‘unloved’ as you said your mother cares about you, your mother brought you into this world and of course she doesn’t for one second want to see you leave or run away even. And this boyfriend online? Listen to me now there is a big difference between virtual love and real love.
You will understand this when you get to my age, I mean I’m not that much older than you but I know for a fact that you cannot rely on the internet to find your ‘soulmate’ I mean sometimes it works but you need to get yourself out there (not throwing yourself at guys or anything) and you need to get to know more people, but better yet a relationship should not be the thing holding you up right now, especially at 14, I spent years feeling suicidal and messed up in my teenage years because of guys and their tendencies to not really care about out feelings, I still am chasing guys till this day.
You need to focus more on success and ignore those around you who don’t believe in you, and guess what? Bullying is a form of empowerment, these people will have insecurity issues and problems of their own and picking on you and teasing you is their way of feeling powerful and above everybody else, I’m sure you’re not their only target, and i know its very cruel but you need to rise above it or tell a teacher that you are feeling hurt and deeply affected by what they are doing. I have been an endless victim of bullying and I will assure you of one thing now, the older teens get the worse it can get sometimes. I assure you too it can get worse, teenagers are cruel and this is the stage of self development physically and mentally.
Also one other thing, bullies will come in and out of your life and they act as an obstacle which you need to overcome.
I would like to say aswell that I am sure you are a great girl and you are very pretty and don’t require make up to make you look better, but also don’t rely on your boy online to make you feel any better, he’s not serious if you are just talking online and you have to be careful with those things too, you may go to meet him aswell and he could let you down and who knows? maybe soon enough you will move on. Meeting a guy in person is alot more wiser and will enable a better chance for connection, but as I said do not focus on relationships they can do more harm in teenage years than good.
You need to do some self reflection and if you are feeling this way talk to your mother she seems close to you and I can understand why she doesn’t appreciate you seeing a guy online, because it is just not worth it, take wise words from your mother she’s been in your situation before. Also respect yourself, ignore the bullying and do not throw your heart into any boys hands at 14 you will end up really regretting it, like I do now. I did not particularly enjoy my teenage years because alot of boys ruined it for me..
Please take my words into consideration and I’m sure if you apply this advice to your life you will save yourself a lot of damage. Chin up.
Sapphire x