I lost my father to suicide in 1997. He was 84, lonely, and depressed. It was not a surprise to me.
I lost my son to suicide in 2007. He was 24, well educated, intellegent, successful, had just been promoted with the police dept he was an officer with. Had just bought his first house. And I still can’t believe it happened.
I am 47. I have felt different. Lonely, yet want to be alone. Always stressed, even over little things others don’t let get to them. I have been in therapy off and on for most of my adult life. I have been on many medications. Nothing works. Therapy is just sitting with someone who is being paid to act like they care, but they really don’t understand what I’m feeling, thinking, or need. I get more out of talking to myself than I have ever gotten from any psychologist or psychiatrist. I’m tired of paying money to talk to someone who can’t do anything to help. I’m tired of taking medications that don’t help. Life is what it is. I have nothing to live for, and therapy or medication isn’t going to change that.Â
I have looked at suicide prevention website after website, and I have yet to see anything that would give me a reason to want to live. I’m trying to hang in there, but I know it’s only a matter of time.Â
My purpose for writing this is to tell everyone who is involved in suicide prevention that it is not as easy as you think it is. I have called help lines. They don’t understand. They can read from their script, or say what they are trained to say, but that doesn’t change anything. I have been to support groups. Again, I walk out of there and back into my life, unchanged. I have been to doctors. They are all about doing what they have to do to get paid, and will listen week after week and collect their money. But that doesn’t help. Medications can put a person in a fog, or make them tired, or make them restless, but medication doesn’t change what a person has going on in their life, or how they feel about living life.Â
I know you mean well. But dying is the only way a person can escape the pain they feel on a daily basis. It really is the only thing that works.
14 comments
Hey I’m sorry for your losses *hugs* sometimes suicidality runs in families, I feel for you though. Earnest Hemingway came from one such family…
Suicide prevention works for some people, but not for those who are that damaged they cannot be helped anymore. I also don’t believe that human life is sacred and must be preserved at all costs, so whatever you do I sincerely hope that you find the peace you’re looking for. Take care!!! =(
Suicide takes a lot of strength and courage. You can tell yourself every day your going to go through with it, but then panic ensues and you lose your nerve.
Hey alluvion, I’ve thought about that myself but I think when push comes to shove I will have the courage to do what’s needed. I suppose it also depends on the method one chooses to use in the end, in that some will be more confronting than others and some will be less so. Personally speaking I’d prefer a gun or barbiturates, but sadly they aren’t really an option for me…
Ever noticed “the tone” of people who post their *genuine* suicide notes and follow through? There’s no “will it hurt?” There no “I tried but it didn’t work”? There’s no excuse. It really isn’t that difficult. Sure when panic or fear is present, it makes it difficult if not almost impossible. But someone who is resolved to suicide will get the job done.
I’m just gonna take a whole heap of valium then drive out to one of the gorges up near me on a cold overcast day and jump, it’s all I can think of to be honest and while it scares the shit out of me oh well…
Staying alive is scarier, and for me is not an option anymore…
Shelly where do you live at?
New England area alluvion, northern NSW Australia…
You answered that really fast. I can tell you are constantly searching for answers too. I’m sorry our minds are so tortured like this.
That’s okay, it’s not anyone’s fault but the way things are…
You know what really depresses me and saps me of all hope? Even if I’d been successful, confident, stable and relatively happy in life the world itself is going utterly dark and humanity seems to be suffering from collective madness, stupidity and self destructiveness that’ll destroy everything…
So even if I wasn’t this way, what hope is there!? =(
Splendid analysis Shelly. As a group we are inherently doomed by our very nature.
Alluvion, you’re quite right about the trickiness of becoming deceased. I think it results both from an innate fear of the unknown as well as an irritating social stigma that results as a consequence of the existing power structure.
I think it’s laziness. When you don’t have the mental strength to will yourself to your end, other options sound better and better and you put it off, only to keep suffering and frustrated that you didn’t go through with it.
Aim: NoHart126 Skype: Danyiel.Arkady