I have got nothing left in my fight against the miseries of my life. I’ve tried everything, counselling, anti-depressants, keeping fit, keeping working, eating healthy, going to support groups etc. But nothing is going to make up for the losses I’ve suffered in my life – my childhood, my dreams, feeling loved and supported growing up….
I was molested by my brother and beaten up and bullied by him from as early as I can remember, right through until I was 15 and he left home. My parents were barely on speaking terms for most of my life and lived on separate sides of the house until my Dad left, didn’t bother to tell me, just left. My father got in a bitter row with all of his relatives over money when I was small and that basically meant that I never got to know them even though they lived next door. My grandmother died next door to me and I hadn’t spoken to her in maybe 10 years, all because my father was such a bitter man and I was too afraid to defy him. My family sucked all of the colour and happiness and joy frm my life. I have no fond memories of growing up, or maybe it’s just that all the bad stuff completely outweighs anything good. I’ve tried everythng to get better but being bullied for your whole childhood means you lose out on lot of stuff. I didn’t have a grain of self-esteem my whole life. My parents had zero interaction with me growing up, let alone provide me with any emotional support.
I can’t see the point of going on living a miserable life, just to endure more miseries.
D.
3 comments
You know reading this makes me think that my issues aren’t worth ranting about.
It really does sound like you have been through a tough time and when we think about these bad memories we do get really depressed but my psychiatrist told me once that depression and sadness is just an feeling, an emotion, just like happiness. But if we were feeling this happy we wouldn’t be worrying about it. I don’t know what she meant by that but it made me think, let me put my mind to something and it seemed to help me for a bit.
If your still on the medication then keep taking it, try to work through things slowly, if possible distance yourself from the things that make you depressed. and talk, talking helps me, not for long mind but it gives me a break, allows me to relax afterwards and lets me sleep at night.
Boots
dreamboat12,
Stop thinking about making up loses in your life start a new life with new dreams a new future.
I can relate to a lot of what you’re talking about here. I was always an outcast growing up and I’ve always felt bullied by my own family. Aren’t they supposed to be the ones who love you unconditionally and not be judgmental? Well, that is not always the case, but don’t let them ruin your life. I know how it feels to have no control over your own happiness for a long time. I could never help that everyone’s actions always had a huge impact on me. Honestly, some of the best advice I’ve ever taken is just focus on yourself. Don’t think about the past only focus forward. Talk about your past if it’s overwhelming you but other than that don’t dwell on it. It’s going to take time to heal if you ever fully do and you need to be strong while you’re trying to. I’m also on antidepressants and although I didn’t notice anything initially, I’ve slowly been able to feel a little better at least emotionally every day. I’m here if you need to talk. It’s not easy feeling like you’re completely alone. But I’m here to say you’re definitely not alone. I believe in you. I’m here if you need someone to listen to you. I hope you find some inner strength to keep you fighting. 🙂