I’m a teenager in high school. 16 years old. I’ve been struggling for a very long time.. well it feels like a long time but in the grand scheme of things its really only a grain of sand… Since 6th grade i figured out who i am. I am an atheist. I am bi. I am emo. Because of these things i have been ridiculed and made fun of.. ive been beat up.. ive been hurt so many times.. physically and emotionally. Ive been cutting for a while but just recently have i actually pondered the thought of killing myself. How nice it would be to just get away from it all…
I think that i am just going to add a whole bunch of stuff here to explain what i am going through that makes me the way I am.. First of all.. i dont care. lol.. pretty much explains it.. i dont care to the point that most people think im insensitive.. except im really not im very sensitive -_-.. and when i say i dont care i mean i dont care about me.. other people are my main priority.. their happiness fuels me. I am empathetic.
Guys use me. I cant stand guys but i cant seem to keep myself away from them.. Ive been in three relationships. The first one .. my very first one.. broke up with me.. of course.. i found out he cheated on me with my best friend (not anymore) and told me that he only dated me because he felt sorry for me.. The second one.. Johnathan.. i have to say his name here because he was so perfect (excerpt.. all of this typing is kinda making me feel better already..) but he lived about 45 minutes away from me.. we could never see each other and although i was very much in love with him i could never tell him that.. he liked me but.. not that much. broke up with me. apparently (as i was told by his brother) he had a problem with me to begin with which broke my heart.. This last guy was just an asshole, in the end anyway.. he built up my trust.. i told him about my past relationships.. built up my trust.. then.. just… nothing..
My parents laugh at me.. I can’t talk to them without them criticizing me. The other day I was handling the fact that that third guy had hurt me alot and i was crying.. she was holding me but as i was crying and talking about my problems i could feel her head turn to the side to watch the tv.. that hurt me even more.. then the next day i asked her if she could take me to the doctor. she asked why?? I said i think im depressed.. (she knows about my past.. shes seen some of my cuts.. she knows im a very sad person..) she laughed at me. My dad is an alcoholic. He binge drinks and im sure one day soon he will drink and throw up his guts and die… and the sorry part is is i dont think ill really care.. and i am sorry..
I am sorry for all of this.. it really doesnt explain anything.. i thought it might.. i am sorry. I know that most of you out there have been through sooo much more than this.. so much.. but even some of the other more scarring things that have happened to me i just cannot repeat.. regarding family members… life in prison.. stuff like that.. messed up stuff.. I am sorry.. you must think me pathetic to call these problems.. to not know how to deal with the stuff that goes on.. i just.. i cant.. i cant deal with it.. i need help.. i need someone.. but i cant get that help..
I found this site because i am doing a project on teen suicide and how boredom relates to it.. how people dont have places to hang out and thats what gets them thinking and doing stupid things like drugs and smoking and having sex and stuff (ironically i struggle with all of this -_-)… I felt the need to post.. idk why… i keep saying sorry.. i know all of my problems are my fault and none of you will end up reading this.. it will just be another post on this site that remains ignored.. ignored like me.. the way i am everyday.. i feel helpless.. disconnected… bored.. with life… its just all so pointless:'(
Im just so sorry… people have to go through more than this and i am always complaining… what’s the point..
Im… sorry… im so selfish.. i cant stop crying.. i want to stop crying.. i want to stop.. forever…
thank you..
5 comments
Hey,
don’t beat yourself up over the little things. There is no reason to be sorry.
You shouldn’t be sorry.
Carry on with your life. I’m always here if you need anything.
Nobody will ever know the pain that you feel, the stuff you have gone through, no one will ever know how much you are hurting no matter what. No body has been in the EXACT same place you have been in. But, people get sad. and there is no reason to say sorry.
i say sorry all the time. I actually think im a burden to be alive right now, but i have started to love myself. (i say that then i’ll turn around and deny it to anyone who asks.)
I’m scared of myslef. And i am scared of happiness, but honestly i want to be happy. heres my e-mail, when you want to talk, or if you want to talk… Fagg.Muffin13@gmail.com
i get on everyday, just barely on the weekends, you know, i may not have the best advice, but i have 2 ears that can listen and a heart that will help.<3
Hi, you are right… your only 16… but i started to get depressed around 14, and now im 27 and more depressed than ever…
Let me say this, i completely understand how you feel. i too dont care except when it comes to others… and i also struggle with boredom, friends, drugs, smoking, and sex… and i also dont have a devastating reason to be depressed and want to kill myself, but i am, and i do everyday…
The women in my life also use me… although i was a virgin and without a real gf until i was 22, which was a big reason for my depression.
Its so odd that your story is so similar to mine… makes me feel like i might accually have a chance at finding a lasting relationship… almost as if we were ment to be together… but your 16 and im a mess…lol
well it was nice to read your story, and i hope things will get better for you. high school is only 4 short years of one of the worst parts of society, and thats the popularity contest… where your cooler if your a bully or making fun of someone else, and invisible if your not… its over quickly and life gets better… just try hard in school and find out who you are, and what your good at. try to find what you want to do in life, for fun and a career… and when you find or have ideas about those things, explore them and try to get a head start on your life… i hope it helps, and ya…
perhaps we’ll chat again, or something. bye
~Tim
you arent pathetic at all. this sites pain purpose is so people can come here to vent without being criticized. which helps alot. its helped me tremendously. you could be possibly;y looking for love in the wrong places. one day youll fine the right person. just be patient. youre parents should care more. its aggravating reading that they laugh at you. if my parents laughed at me idk what id do. im here if you need someone to talk to. i can empathize.
Im literally filled with so much emotion right now that i am shaking… all of your comments.. idk.. they just hit me. I know that my problems dont really mean much in the grand scheme of things but its weird feeling like there are people.. well.. knowing that there are people out there who have gone and are going through it. Tokey… first of all lol.. second of all.. yea.. @charliemarbles24 i am looking for love in all the wrong places.. its just sooo hard.. i keep feeling like i have these people who are there for me.. who care for me and then they just kill me on the inside.. again.. im shaking writing this (very emotional person). it hurts me alot that my parents dont care but idc.. or at least i say i dont ha.. @seriously.injured.. i dont really use my email very much. i would love to get in contact with you. maybe a change in people that I talk to will help me to realize something ive been missing.. idk.. idk anything..
On a side note.. i wrote a suicide note yesterday hoping that it would help… it didnt really.. im starting to feel less.. sad.. that my life is shit.. and more angry because i cant DO anything about it :'( but then when i get angry i start to cry.. I do absolutely hate it when people say “oh youre so young you have so much time ahead of you” (again.. lol tokey..).. well right now this is me.. this is my life and it doesnt and hasnt seemed like it will get much better for a very long time.. i wish i could share with you ALL what exactly i have been going through and really it starts out with some dissociation i have been trying to deal with since i was 8…my uncle.. well… another time i guess..
I just really want to thank each of you for what you have said..
Ill still say sorry though… none of this would be wrong if i could just.. get over myself i guess..
my cuts are getting deeper.. my depression is worsening.. none of my “friends” have real reason to talk because they do almost the same thing…
You guys are so great :’) I appreciate everything you said.
Im really just rambling now -_- … sorry..
I don’t think anyone ever understands what another person is going through. It’s crazy to think that they could. We are not you. Your pain and suffereing is not negated or lessened because someone has been through “worse” or lived “longer”. You shouldn’t apologize for feeling the way you do. It’s what you’re feeling. Thank you for sharing it with us. “getting over yourself” I think is the wrong phrase. It implies that you have something to “get over” like it’s an obstacle or a hurdle. You don’t have to “get over” yourself. I think you need to learn yourself. It seems that you’ve been basing your judgement of yourself off of others and what they think you should be. Be who you are on the inside. Learn from your past mistakes. Realize that life is painful in all it’s glory. and ramble on brother, ramble on…