I have been so pissed off all day and i’m not over exaggerating. Im getting sick and tired of people using me, abusing me, and making me feel like nothing and im sorry.. yea.. im sorry. im just gonna like.. emotionally detatch myself from everything. you know, my depression is getting bad again. I am regressing into a deeper depression than i was before. and i can feel it not only in my mind but in my heart.. and its killing me. my meds are making me crzy… and .. i just dont know anymore.I wanted to try and be happy but everything just keeps making it worse no matter my attempts. i have no idea what to do. im just terrible at talking.i feel like i fuck everything up.. sometimes when i try to say what i mean it comes out wrong.. and when i want to or actually need to say how i feel its just like… lkalkajsdlfjjijek.. <— yea.. i can't talk to my family about my problems because theyll just send me back to therapy and thats not a good idea.i just wanna be happy.
I’m an attention whore because i hate to be ignored? Because i strive to have you smile at me, to talk to me, to laugh with me? I’M SORRY that i’m loud. You may call me obnoxious, but how else will you notice me if i don’t try…
Its ok—- oh god im freaking out.. what just happened what do i do..
Im fine—- i wish i could tell you that something is horribly wrong, but i know youre probably going through worse so my pain is nothing compared to yours
It doesnt matter—- as long as youre happy… ill do what i can.
its nothing—- i feel like im going to die
ha…—-that was so awkward.. wtf did i just do..
oh…—- thats ok.. do what you want.. i cant stop you.
hello?…—- please talk to me.. my parents hate me.. i have no friends.. youre here so will you at least pay attention to me?
Everythings great—- its not.
nothings wrong—- it is
itll be ok—- it wont
i dont care—-i really do…
ok.—- just… leave me alone..
sure.—- same as “it doesnt matter”
its whatever—- fuck it…
can you relate?
I’m a teenager in high school. 16 years old. I’ve been struggling for a very long time.. well it feels like a long time but in the grand scheme of things its really only a grain of sand… Since 6th grade i figured out who i am. I am an atheist. I am bi. I am emo. Because of these things i have been ridiculed and made fun of.. ive been beat up.. ive been hurt so many times.. physically and emotionally. Ive been cutting for a while but just recently have i actually pondered the thought of killing myself. How nice it would be to just get away from it all…
I think that i am just going to add a whole bunch of stuff here to explain what i am going through that makes me the way I am.. First of all.. i dont care. lol.. pretty much explains it.. i dont care to the point that most people think im insensitive.. except im really not im very sensitive -_-.. and when i say i dont care i mean i dont care about me.. other people are my main priority.. their happiness fuels me. I am empathetic.
Guys use me. I cant stand guys but i cant seem to keep myself away from them.. Ive been in three relationships. The first one .. my very first one.. broke up with me.. of course.. i found out he cheated on me with my best friend (not anymore) and told me that he only dated me because he felt sorry for me.. The second one.. Johnathan.. i have to say his name here because he was so perfect (excerpt.. all of this typing is kinda making me feel better already..) but he lived about 45 minutes away from me.. we could never see each other and although i was very much in love with him i could never tell him that.. he liked me but.. not that much. broke up with me. apparently (as i was told by his brother) he had a problem with me to begin with which broke my heart.. This last guy was just an asshole, in the end anyway.. he built up my trust.. i told him about my past relationships.. built up my trust.. then.. just… nothing..
My parents laugh at me.. I can’t talk to them without them criticizing me. The other day I was handling the fact that that third guy had hurt me alot and i was crying.. she was holding me but as i was crying and talking about my problems i could feel her head turn to the side to watch the tv.. that hurt me even more.. then the next day i asked her if she could take me to the doctor. she asked why?? I said i think im depressed.. (she knows about my past.. shes seen some of my cuts.. she knows im a very sad person..) she laughed at me. My dad is an alcoholic. He binge drinks and im sure one day soon he will drink and throw up his guts and die… and the sorry part is is i dont think ill really care.. and i am sorry..
I am sorry for all of this.. it really doesnt explain anything.. i thought it might.. i am sorry. I know that most of you out there have been through sooo much more than this.. so much.. but even some of the other more scarring things that have happened to me i just cannot repeat.. regarding family members… life in prison.. stuff like that.. messed up stuff.. I am sorry.. you must think me pathetic to call these problems.. to not know how to deal with the stuff that goes on.. i just.. i cant.. i cant deal with it.. i need help.. i need someone.. but i cant get that help..
I found this site because i am doing a project on teen suicide and how boredom relates to it.. how people dont have places to hang out and thats what gets them thinking and doing stupid things like drugs and smoking and having sex and stuff (ironically i struggle with all of this -_-)… I felt the need to post.. idk why… i keep saying sorry.. i know all of my problems are my fault and none of you will end up reading this.. it will just be another post on this site that remains ignored.. ignored like me.. the way i am everyday.. i feel helpless.. disconnected… bored.. with life… its just all so pointless:'(
Im just so sorry… people have to go through more than this and i am always complaining… what’s the point..
Im… sorry… im so selfish.. i cant stop crying.. i want to stop crying.. i want to stop.. forever…