It’s the same thought, always the same thought that eventually creeps back in to my brain…even when things seem to be getting better, it always goes back downhill and I’m left sitting on my own, tears sliding down my face saying that mantra over and over to myself! Every time I struggle to pick myself up I get shoved back down. Maybe I’m just too selfish, I nenes to stop focusing on myself, but isn’t everyone, doesn’t everyone consider themselves to be the centre of their own little universe? I’m not a bad person, I don’t steal, I don’t lie, I treat others how I would like to be treated, I try my best to be helpful and thoughtful to everyone I meet…yet I’m alone. I have a big family, 3 older sisters, who all have husbands and kids, but I don’t feel part of a family at all. They have their families, my sisters families ARE their husbands and kids, not me, I’m the outsider, the unwelcome extra, the nuisance, unless I can be of some kinds of use (usually a taxi service)! I don’t want to wasp end another Christmas as an unwelcome third wheel. I feel like my life is already over, I’m too old and past it to meet anyone now. I’m 31. But guys my age are either single cause they want to be or have a lot of baggage, and no one wants a girl with issues…so I’m my own worst enemy! I don’t have many friends either…for the same reason! Everyone gets told to remove toxic people from their lives, and I seem to be one of those toxic people. I don’t know how it happened either, I don’t know when I became this person, how I turned in to this misery that people avoid. I am good for one thing, work. That’s when I get called upon, to do things for other people. I bake cakes, so people ask me to bake for them. I don’t get invited to the parties though. I am a graphic designer, so I get asked for help with image retouching (I want to use this photo for my Facebook profile, can you take out that spot for me), my opinion on websites, flyers for charity events… but that’s it, that’s the only time people come to me. I don’t want to live a life where I’m only good for work. I’m not a worker bee. I don’t enjoy working all the hours in the day. But it would appear that’s all I’m good for. And so I’m back to my mantra, the one constant repeating voice that reappears on a regular basis…I don’t want to do this any more! But I don’t have the courage to kill myself. I’m scared ill screw it up. Is just my luck. I’d end up jumping off a building and ending up a paraplegic instead of successfully killing myself, or shoot myself in the head and live! So therein lies the dilemma. What is a full-proof way to end it. I’m getting closer and closer. In my Downey depressed moments I’ve managed to stab myself in the arm with a scalpel (and before anyone starts yes I realise that’s not a good way to kill yourself!) but I can’t cut deep enough to do any damage. It’s just the only real option available to me at the time when my desire to end it is strongest. I don’t think I want to die, but I really don’t want to live either…at the moment that desire is definitely the strongest!
Sorry for the long rambling post, guess I’m just venting. If you made it this far thanks for reading. Twist
1 comment
Thanks for sharing your story, Twist.
From what I’ve read, you seem like you’re just being a little hard on yourself right now. Or maybe VERY hard on yourself. Ease up. A talented 31 year old baker and graphic artist sounds like a great catch to me!
Be honest: graphic design isn’t just mind-numbing work for you, is it? There’s some fun to it, an outlet for creativity that brings satisfaction. Let yourself enjoy it, or rediscover it if it’s been a while since you felt that way. As for baking, sure I’ll agree that can entail some miserable work (I hate cleaning a kitchen or washing dishes) but clearly you must enjoy and take pride in your work there, too. I just can’t imagine taking a bite out of a cake made by someone who detested every moment of its creation and enjoying the taste.
I truly hope you feel better soon, and allow yourself to enjoy the compliments your “work” (if that’s what you choose to call it) produces from others. You’re clever, creative, and valued. If you’d like help from those who seemingly impose on you, why not barter your services for something you respect and value which they can produce for you? You’d be complimenting them in return.
Is the glass half full or half empty? Who cares? The more important questions are A) what’s in the glass? and B) do I really need more than half a glass of it right now?
Smile, Twist, and best wishes that you’ll cheer up soon!