Everyday, i just want to..
Bash myself
Cut myself really deep
Burn myself
Choke myself
Stab myself
Kill myself
Fill myself with never ending pain.
Cause it’s what i deserve, it’s what i need.
I want to do it, but i can take the lead.
Gumpy
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Gumpy you don’t deserve any of this pain, and you don’t deserve any of these thoughts wandering in your mind. You really aren’t a bad person, you help many people.
It sounds like you are severely depressed and all of this pain is consuming you and leading you into more of a hell everyday. I know you said you have a counciler but I think you need something more then just a counciler, maybe a psychologist or physiatrist. You also have to be open about your problems with then, you shouldn’t conceal your thoughts because if you do then they won’t be able to help you. Please seek more help gumpy
I’m not sure if I deserve what I’m feeling, but if I didn’t, why does it happen
@rathernot- Yes i do :/ I’m a terrible person, i honestly am. I’m annoying sister, stupid daughter, a non-supportive friend. And to myself, i’m ugly and useless.
Yea, i’m going to go to some chilld mental health thing :/ i don’t need help though. I haven’t attempted yet so what’s the big problem? Thanks though :/
@CondensedFlesh- Are you saying that you’re getting what you don’t deserve? That you get pain even though you deserve happiness? No one, at all, deserves pain. Except me :/
Gumpy
Nooo, I was saying that we may get just what we deserve, at least I do feel I deserve this, but I don’t know what I did to deserve it.
Gumpy, you have spoken negatively about yourself but non of us see that in you. You want to know why because we see the amazing person you are!!! Maybe you can’t see it but we can!! I’m glad you are going to get some child mental health thing, you do need it because no one should feel like you are feeling right now.
@CondensedFlesh- Oh, haha i’m terrible at understanding things -.- Yea, i know what you mean.
@rathernot- That’s cause it’s the internet :/ I’m just words on this site, but in real life, i’m nothing like i am on here. I don’t want to be like this, but it is how it is. I don’t like to think negatively, but i could never think positively either. I’m just so angry and resentful at everything.
gumpy, you dont deserve any of that 8_8 you deserve happiness. your an amazing person and so caring. i shall be dying soon, ill send all happiness, hope, love and care to you and everyone else. (if thats possible) your young your life will change and you will find the love of your life you will find happiness. i love you (even though i dont know you) i care for you alot. you deserve better.
Gumpy, i dont think you are any different from here then you are in real life. I can see the heart that you have and it’s a big heart, that doesnt change from the internet to the real life.
I understand when you say that you are angry and resentful at everything, im sort of like that too….but that doesnt mean you cant see the wonderful things that there is in life, or the things that there will be to come.
@the very ugly duckling- Happiness is for people who actually take a step out of the house and does something to change the world. All i do is sit in my room all day and watch TV. I don’t do anything :/
Don’t die ! :/ You don’t deserve to die :/ I hope someone comes along to save you, i really do ! I don’t have the ability to i hate to say it, but i’d give it all i have to try to save you ! And thanks so much, i love you too ! Anyone would !
@rathernot- I’ll never not deny it :/ Everything, everyone is just a lie though. Everyones who’s nice to me is just doing it.. for who knows what. The world is beautiful. And i can’t be in a world where beauty surrounds me, but to everything, everyone else, there’s that little imperfection that they see when they turn their head- me. I’m sorry i’m so negative, it’s like i’m bragging about how filled with flaws i am. Sorry, i am such a complainer -.- aha.
Gumpy
Gumpy no, you dont have to be sorry, its not like you can control how you feel about yourself, i understand that you have low self esteem, maybe this happened because you were hurt by someone in the past, or maybe it happened because of many other reasons, but the point is that it happened, and it happened to someone who has such a big heart as yourself, and you dont deserve to feel this way. I wish there was a way i can change the perspectives of people so they can see what i see in them. I see beauty in everyone that has a big heart, and you are part of that category. This is also why you and I see how beautiful sophie is, because her heart is loving and caring, there are very few people like her and you, thats why you guys are amazing! Its sad to see that you guys have a hard time seeing how great you guys are, but i understand its not that easy, but just like she is getting help you need help too, and i know you are going to get help too so thats good, and i really hope the best for you and sophie.
You’re just yet another young girl that is depressed because she isn’t popular and hot etc. There may come a time when you’ll change, like she did and they all will like you.
People only feel sad when something’s wrong or it’s not the way they want it to be, but what about when you feel sad and you have apparently no reason to?
Also people that are helping you/being nice do it because there is a reason behind it, they wouldn’t spend there time on someone that didn’t deserve help, and we see that you do, because you are not just ordinary, you aren’t a bad person, you are a good hearted person who is confused about herself.
You’ll be fine, Gumpy.
Condensedflesh, I’m not sure if you are trying to help gumpy out but I don’t agree with what you have said, she doesn’t have some normal type of teenager problem, if that was true she wouldn’t be contemplating suicide
rathernot, what’s ‘normal’ anyway
She just feels bad because she thinks she’s ugly/unwanted and whatnot, because she thinks she’ll die virgin unlike her friends and she probably, for whatever reason, has a distorted self-image. I don’t really know what’s wrong with her, but seems like that’s it.
She should know that since she’s still developing, nothing is permanent for now, just wait some years until all your stuff is done and you gain more confidence and find your place/people. This will give you some character. Like I said, you’ll be fine, girl.
gumpy just cause you sit in your room it dioesnt mean anything, i shut myself in my room in my waredrobe all alone. in the dark! even if you dont do anything u still gotta find that happiness. gumpy your amazing no matter what! you sound caring, and loving and beautiful! you are honestly amazing.
CondensedFlesh, normal is what society deems as normal(what the majority is)
Illnesses aren’t that simple to understand, so i know how hard it is for you to believe that this is her only problem and that’s it. You should know that she cant control what she feels and sees in herself, if she could she would, but she cant. No one wants to be depressed, no one wants to feel like shit, so obviously she doesnt want this. Just remember that mental illnesses aren’t so black and white, there is a complex reason to why her brain is triggered this way.
Just like anorexia, it’s not a physical problem it is a mental problem.
And why do you disagree, rathernot?
When you want to make someone feel good, what you do is tell them that what they feel is normal, that they aren’t the only ones feeling that way so that they can relate somehow, no? She needs to know that many girls feel that way, that it is indeed normal, that she isn’t a creep.
Oh, sure society, since when do you trust so much in what society deems as whatever it deems, isn’t society what fucked you up
@rathernot- Yea, i don’t know why i think of myself like this. My friend used to call me things, maybe it’s from that, i don’t know.
Sophie is the one that’s amazing. I’m not. I know what she looks like know, and she is sooooo pretty ! I am actually really jealous of her.
Thanks so much rathernot 🙂 It must be hard to see something out of nothing like me.
@CondensedFlesh- Yea, i know, i’m pretty pathetic -.- haha. I don’t want to be hot and popular, i never liked those kind of girls. But being them would be much better than this though. But I want to be something along the lines of pretty though. I know, it’s a want, and a pretty selfish want as well.
I’m not patient enough to live any longer, i have no hope at all for the future. I’ll try to wait, but i see no point in doing so.
Gumpy
condensedFlesh, i guess it is good that she knows that there are also other people suffering through what she is so she wont feel alone, but you do make it seem like its a simple problem and not that big of a deal, when it really is a big deal and she cant just brush it off and let it fix itself, she needs some serious help.
I never said i trusted society……i just said that whatever is deemed normal is what people believe to be normal. I dont think that there is a normal, i think that only in the individuals mind is were you can find normality, reality exist in your mind and your mind only…
@the very ugly duckling- Thanks so much 🙂 i wish the exact same for you ! I don’t exactly know you, but you sound like the most of us, who see nothing in ourselves, but are caring and filled with uknown beauty. I’m not saying that for myself, but you know what i mean 🙂
Gumpy, It could be from your friend :\ and im sorry she implemented these thoughts into your mind, like i said before, even if she is your only friend i dont think she is a good person to be friends with, your low self esteem isn’t worth your friendship, you should be happy with a friend, not feel hurt.
Yeah sophie is amazing 😀 but so are you, and i bet you are as beautiful as her, but i will still think she is the best because you know….i love her hehe 🙂
It’s not hard to see how great you are, just your humble and caring words show that you are such an amazing person, and the fact that you have taken care of sophie for me makes you an even greater person to begin with
Maybe by making it seem as a ‘simple’ problem she won’t feel so bad and will overcome it more easily? When you give the problem too much importance is when it starts to control you, when you start to over-think, build your whole existence based on that problem and you end up like me, there’s no longer a problem, I am the problem. Now if the problem disappears, I do with it.
Gumpy, you gave the impression that that’s what you wanted, I mean everyone wants that..so why would it be wrong if you did too
@rathernot- Yea, i know. Fake friends are better than no friends though.
I wish i could be like Sophie, she is amazing. I don’t like the way i am though. I’m sorry i’m being so negative and arguing over this -.- aha.
gumpy, dont be sorry, i know what you mean, and i know that what you are going through must be really hard to deal with, dont worry, you will get the help you need, you just have to be determined to get help, and then after all this is done you will be happy with the great person that you are!
condensedflesh, sometimes it is better to be understanding about peoples problems, by doing this you are making it easier for the person to accept help, and you are making them feel comfortable and at ease, which seems like they can not achieve with someone blaming them for there problems, and saying that there problems will just disappear with time, obviously the problems haven’t ended yet and worse then that the problems have escalated into suicidal thoughts. What you should be doing is encouraging for people to seek help, not just forget about their problems.
Never said they disappear with time, never said forget about them, in fact said ‘overcome.’
Condensedflesh, yeah well pretending like the problem is simple won’t make it easier to overcome, by making the problem simple it sounds like the problem can just be brushed off, disappeared, forgotten, and ignored
Maybe it’s just me but I don’t forget and ignore things that are easy. Those are what I do first.