I’ve known a lot of suffering in my life.
I’ve been bullied by my peers, emotionally abused by my father, betrayed and abandoned by close friends, raped, had my heart broken and ripped to shreds, been told countless lies by those I trusted. I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety, cutting, ADD, anorexia, bulimia, social phobias, self-hatred, schizophrenia, paranoia, and constant thoughts of suicide. Aside from emotional difficulties, I am in constant physical pain due to TMJ disorder, scoliosis, muscle spasms, and chronic migraines.
Yes, I’m still here. I’ve survived all of it, I cope with the notion that pain is my constant companion – that even when my emotional/mental afflictions aren’t weighing me down, my physical ailments are ever present.
But it gets to the point where I question how much one person can handle. With my depression, anxiety, social phobias, and anorexia striking me full force in recent weeks, I am beyond exhausted. Nothing feels manageable. After a very long spell of loneliness, I finally met a wonderful guy and I can’t even enjoy him without starting conflicts and pushing him away. It seems all I want is to be left alone, but being alone makes me long for someone to understand me. No matter how hard I try to express myself, though, making anyone understand what I’ve been through and who I am inside is just impossible. Last week I thought I loved him. This week, I avoid him because it hurts too much to speak and show that I am nothing but pain encased in a human shell. I feel too much so I kill the feelings until there is nothing left. I trust no one and any hint of happiness is killed away to expose what I know too well – misery.
I don’t think a single day passes when suicidal thoughts don’t bubble to the surface at some point. My skin often feels too tight of a vessel, my heart feels too heavy, my soul feels trapped in a time absent of meaning. They say suicide is the most selfish act, but it is often not considered how much that person is suffering – that maybe it’s selfish of everyone else to expect him/her to endure it just so they don’t have to experience the loss.
I don’t know what to do anymore, but nothing helps. Not my meds, not alcohol, not being around friends (it often makes me feel more depressed). Neither life nor death appeal to me. My life is simply unending purgatory.
“How can I ask anyone to love me when all I do is beg to be left alone?” – Fiona Apple
6 comments
I hear ya’.
And I point at gestalt therapy yet again. Danm near obessed with it at the moment.
Try getting a copy of gestalt therapy verbatim, It won’t make all that much sense at the beginning with all the terminology and whatnot but you pick it up quickly.
It’s definately helped me to understand how we can “Doublethink” and be so contadictory with ourselves.
And once oyu understand it you can start to get to the roots of the problems, to actually grow.
Good Morning Onlydarknessinside,
First time on SP? Just wanted you to know that I read your post…and to let you know you are not alone. I am also a survivor of child sexual assault from the age of 4, and was raped by the age of 7. I have dealt with numerous emotional, mental and social disorders as well…some of them similiar to yours. It took them until I was in my 40’s to finally diagnose me with PTSD with multiple traumas…I dunno..it did make me feel better. I also deal with endless physical pain caused from failed attempts(7), self abuse and the abuse of others. As well I have been diagnosed with multiple auto-immune disorders. I also have a history of short term abusive relationships…many. If things were going too good…I would test them…and they always failed eh? I mean…how could I trust anyone? How could I respect anyone that wanted to be with me…they had to have an ulterior motive…other than I was smokin’ hot…hahaha.
I tell you all this…because even I have finally found love and JOY…something I had NEVER experienced as a child…so don’t give up…look for your answers…they are there…you just have to quit being afraid to look. Paralyzed by fear and anger…ayup.
BTW…with each emotional issue I face and deal with…my physical symptoms lessen…just thought I would tell ya. When the emotional, mental and spiritual bodies have had enough…you guessed it…it starts to affect your physical body. Although the pain and symptoms are very real…it has become a disease process in some respects…the cause is not physical in most cases. It can get better…but you must get better…no more sitting on the fence or as I often say…walking the razor’s edge…take a step…just a small step towards life and begin your journey to healing.
Here if you want to talk or rant…I feel your pain
Peace
Amakua
GOOD MORNING Ama! Give me some love sugar!
sorry about hi jacking
onlydarknessinside ,
I’m really sorry to hear all that, I too have had my share of torcher that never goes away, the only time I’m really happy is when I’m a sleep, not trying to give your ideas I’m just saying you’re not alone, I do the same thing as you, like when I go to the dentist and there drilling I say to myself yeah go ahead hurt me because I know your helping me? Now I’m confused! Bad analogy! Hang in there.
We’re your friends and you can always talk to us. We’ve all been through some sort of pain.
That we have. We’re here, if you wanna talk.
thank you guys. Just caring enough to listen makes you a lot nicer than most of my friends.