I always keep my promises.
This one I didn’t even tell a living soul.
My eldest brother committed suicide, the same night I tried. As I comforted my mom I had the marks on my arm and neck (always hidden for Truly I’m a coward at it, and know I won’t succede, its more for the release I suppose. Though that night I went further than before) I was still hazy from the meds I O/D’d on. I swore to myself, and partly to him that I would never do that again. I saw my familly destoyed in that instance; and I cried for myself.
Horribly I feel that he saved me, from myself. Horribly I miss him and regret my thankfulness; for the lesson learned.
Thankfulness; however, today I don’t remember. I just know numb and desire. I feel so alone in this world; even when those I care about are close. The one I love is 1768miles away, and plays with my heart. I should be able to walk away, I truly can do better. I am stuck, in love, dumbstruck; perhabs would be more accurate. The stress from it just wants a release so desperately, I don’t want anyone else; and sex isn’t an option. Crafts have failed, exercise didn’t touch my desire, and internet inadequate.
I want to cut. I want to bleed, to know that I am human. Truly, I think what I miss most; is always knowing I had a way out, if things went badly enough I could end it.
Thankfully/Regretfully, I no longer have that, all because of my brother; who gave his life for me.
PS: Yes, I feel responsible for his death; however, it is not just what is wrote here. I have many reasons to feel resposnible with what befell my familly while growing up, this is just how I feel, more regretfully today than thankful, yet none the less- Here.