I think I’m going to kill myself

I am alone. There is no place for me.
I have a Master. I believe he would be better off if he didn’t have me as a burden. Anyway, I don’t really have him. His real family has him. I am the one without family.

I am the one without anyone at all.

I don’t have a place to stay. I don’t have people who love me and will stay with me. My health is terrible. My whole life has been lonely and terrible.

I tried to have hope and be a good person. A nice person. I think the last nice thing I can do for myself or anyone else is to die.

I am so tired. In so much pain. It’s inhumane to expect myself to keep going.

I wish Master would love me and have me. But I am just another responsibility to him. He has a family. I never had one, but I understand that it means everything. Whereas, I, do not mean anything. To anyone. Anywhere.

My birthday is coming up. My father killed himself around this time of year, just as he was turning 21. Just like me. I will die like my father died. That’s all I ever could be. Dirt to dirt. Impossible to make something out of nothing. And I am tired of paying the price.

I don’t want to have sex for money anymore. I don’t want to lose my health insurance. I don’t want to be alone everyday in my apartment waiting for Master to leave me. Disappointing him everyday. Master spent so much money to save me from an abusive man. And he will have to spend so much more on me.

I am not worth it. It was fun to try being loved for the first time though. Master treated me more nicely than anyone I’ve ever met before.

He will go away soon to be with his family. When he comes back, I will be dead. My best friend is supposed to come for my birthday, I bought him plane tickets and everything. But he wont come. Because I wont be alive.

I will see Master one more time before he leaves to see his family for the holidays. I will feel what it is like to be loved again. One more time. The last time.

Then I wont bother them anymore.

I hope my mother will pay for my arrangements. But I’m sure she will put that all on Master. I am sorry, Master. Sorry you met me. But thank you for making me feel loved for a little while. Now I know what it is like. It’s very nice.

Master will get over it. Because he is strong. His daughter is the one who matters. And his daughter’s mother. Those people are his family. My parents will feel great. And my friend… my wonderful best friend… I am sorry to him. So sorry. But it hurts too much. Better now than later.