I am having a really bad day. Things aren’t good with my husband, he loves me, but he is quite immature regarding his relationship skills, he often acts like an elephant in a china shop and hurts me immensely by the things he yells at me when he is angry.
I have a myriad of psychological disorders, depression, PTSD, a behavioural addiction driving me towards suicide, plus probably OCD. I am getting counselling, and I am taking a whole collection of medications each day.
Still, today the urge to kill myself became so strong I nearly gave in. I have two teenage sons, and I know my suicide would devastate them, break them. So far I have done a good job raising them, much of it on my own, and they have grown to two lovely young men, I cannot bear the thought of destroying all of that now because I run out of strength.
But on the other hand I have just about given up hope that I can ever be really happy again. I regret marrying my current (second husband), not that he is a bad man, but he inadvertently hurts me a lot. Because of things he said I am now estranged to some of his family. I have never done anything bad to them, it’s just things he told them about me, which weren’t even true, and they never talked to me about it, and they now refuse to even speak to me.
Up to last year I was studying for a new career, I had to give that all up because I became too unwell. Now I can barely get through the day, all my energy is used up fighting the demons in my head which constantly scream at me that I need to kill myself.
It would be so easy to do it. In August I was all ready, I had ordered a bottle of helium, written my letters, and set a date. Then someone from this sight talked me out of it. I cancelled the order of the helium (I can’t get the disposable bottles here where I live, you have to pre-order bottles a couple of days in advance – hence I cannot just do it spontaneously).
Helium is my preferred method, but I am also considering just strangling myself with the belt of my dressing gown, that at least I can do at the spur of a moment. I am so torn, there is no will to live in me anymore, only pain, but I just cannot bear the thought of how much pain I will pass on to my children, whom I love more than words can express.
I’ve been in hospital for this twice already this year, problem is I don’t believe it will help me to go there again, it would just keep me safe and alive, but what for…. Sometimes I think if I can hang on for five more years, then my youngest son will be 20. Will he then be able to handle my suicide without going to pieces????
4 comments
your kids will think about it a lot. its never easy to deal with someone committing suicide. friends, parents, grandparents. i haven’t had a parent kill them self, but a friend. totally devastating. and when i found out i had a grandparent kill them self i was like… well at least i wouldn’t be the first one in the family.
it really just makes you think about it a lot. i think about it all the time. most of the teens i know do too…maybe i just have fucked up friends though… anyways i try to justify my contemplations of suicide with my problems, but i just can’t cuz i’ve seen the effects of it and been affected first hand. my point is :what if it would make your sons consider suicide a valid option for themselves?
but hey i’m just a seventeen year old kid. and i don’t really know a lot about you or your life. i might not have a clue what i’m talking about. if i offended you i’m sorry.
Firstly, you did not offend you, thanks for responding. Secondly, good question about my kids considering suicide…
It depends. If it’s because of me – because I killed myself and I caused them such pain – that thought is to terrible for me and the reason I am hanging in there. But if – hypothetically -I knew that they were in the same kind if pain like I am now – but not because of me, I would completely understand if they wanted to die, and not prevent it at all cost, that is after trying all I can to help them. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody to live with my pain, but I force myself to do so, for the sake of my kids.
Well, I got through today, one day at a time. Hope things get better for you.
i do agree with come_pick_me_up my mother is dead from drink all her life and i now think if i was dead i coulded be with her and the pain i am in will go away but i still have two sisters hear that i need to take care of even thow i am the youngest and i wouldent wish the life that we go threw on anyone either no deserves it but i am glad u made it threw ur day just keep this in mined like has to look up cuz after awile it will get bored looking down
Dear really bad day, I am so sorry you have all these horrible feelings. I wish I could scoop you up and make it all go away. Would you consider buying a book called” How I stayed alive When my Brain was Trying to Kill me.” Its readily available on Amazon. Darling I too have struggled with lonliness and divorce, abuse and abandonment. I have recently been left by a man I loved with all of my heart. He had mental problems and took them out on me. I dont have children and I live alone. Sometimes Im crawling the walls with lonliness and I think I want to die. My ex left me but not before he destroyed my self esteem and left me financially screwed.
I dont want to see the new day but I know one day I will want to see it. I want to be here to experience that day.
I want you to be here too. Please please dont do the thing with the helium darling. Dont think for one second that you wont be doing untold damage to your children. They will never recover. You are a mother and your reason to live is that. No matter how painful. I have accepted that maybe my pain is my fate. That I have to carry on as I will destroy the people who love me. I am a sister and a daughter. I have decided that I must keep going because I will destroy my mother and my sisters and therefore I have to carry the pain and BE ALIVE for them.
If thats the way it has to be then thats my fate. If you can accept that you MUST carry on for all your life, not just until your son goes away then you might find some peace. I say might because I know the pain is overwhelming and you want to go.
It almost broke my heart when you said that you thought of strangling yourself. Please dont do it. Dont think you arent important to the world. You are. I dont know you but I dont want you to die. You know the Butterfly Effect? The tiniest things can alter the way the world works and can change the future in so many ways.
Your actions can and will affect your children. They will never be who they were meant to be if you are gone in such a way. they will NOT be ok and they wil not recover. They will endure but they wont be the full human beings they can be and will be if you stay here.
You have so much power. You have the power to make two people either happy and balanced or desperately sad and messed up. Think about that. Use your power to make them happy. Dont turn it into destruction.
I wish I could meet you. I think you need a friend. x